The following is a back of the envelope calculation to determine how many dollars worth of snacks I stole from the Faculty House dining hall over winter break. It is not intended to be used as a guide for how you too can get free snacks. That would be wrong.

Anyone who spent winter break on campus knows that Columbia decided to get creative with its holiday dining policy. For those of you who had the luxury of not structuring all of your meals around Columbia’s schemes, the plan went something like this:

  1. Each CC/SEAS Student was granted four meal swipes per day– in two groups of two swipes– to be used at Faculty House. This plan did not extend to Barnard and GS students, who were expected to starve.
  2. The first set of two swipes was valid from 12:00 pm to 2:00 pm, then expired. The second set was valid from 2:00pm-6:00 pm, then expired as well.
  3. The first swipe in each set was to be used for a regular meal.
  4. The second swipe in each set would earn you four snacks to take with you in a brown paper bag, courtesy of Columbia Dining. These snacks included, but were not limited to: Pop-Tarts, single serve cereal boxes, miniature milks, black and white cookies, muffins, hummus and pretzels, and the biggest cupcakes you have ever seen in your entire sad life.
  5. Most importantly: No one ever checked how many snacks you took.

My strategy was as follows:

  1. Use one meal swipe for a to-go lunch at noon. 
  2. Mingle with the crowd of second-swipers who were carefully deciding which four snacks to take. Seamlessly blend in. Take four snacks, then discretely place four more in my jacket pocket. 
  3. Leave and eat.
  4. Return to Faculty House to use my second swipe for snacks. Put four snacks in the complimentary bag and four more snacks in my jacket pockets.
  5. At 5:00 pm, return to Faculty House for dinner. 
  6. Repeat Step 2.
  7. Repeat Step 4. 

Now, because this is absolutely not a step-by-step manual on how to steal without getting caught, to the calculations.

  1. Number of snacks allowed per day: 8
  2. Number of snacks I took per day: [(4×2)+(4×2)]x2=32
  3. Stolen snacks per day: 32-8=24
  4. Days in winter break: 25
  5. Snacks stolen over the course of winter break: 24×25=600
  6. Average price of snacks: $1.00 each
  7. Total dollars stolen: 600x$1.00=$600.00

Depending on whether you’re majoring in Art History or Econ, $600.00 either seems like a ridiculous amount of money or mere chump-change. Either way, 600 individual snacks is enough to last someone at least three or four days of online classes, when eating whatever is within arms reach is the only way to stave off boredom and despondency.

In conclusion: don’t steal. Yes, it gets you free snacks, saves a ton of money, and provides a steady source of serotonin. But at the expense of what? Your sanctity? Your immortal soul? The bottom line of a multi-billion dollar institution? Be better than I am. Learn from my mistakes. Save yourself while you still have the chance.

And if you get caught, deny, deny, deny.

Blood Money via Wikimedia Commons.