It’s time for a New Normal at Columbia.

The Citizens Advice Bureau has recently announced its recommendations for revamping major programs at Columbia. The Bureau began work on the project in 2019, when John Stamos starred in the made-for-TV movie Little Mermaid Live!.

The last time Columbia updated its major requirements was in 1482. Various campus groups say that Columbia students deserve better. It is time, these groups say, that Columbia update its major requirements for the third millennium.

The report, which can be found here, is partially summarized in the following list.

Note that each major program is followed by the Bureau’s suggested rule change.

  1. Math

Math courses should be forbidden from discussing all numbers above 15.

2. Statistics

All averages in statistics courses should be zero, all standard deviations should be one, and all distributions should be normal.

3. History

Courses in the History Department should only cover the year 1964, the year of the 1964 World’s Fair.

4. Urban Planning

Urban Planning courses should fulfill the PE requirement.

5. Hydrology

Hydrology courses should no longer take place on boats.

The Bureau hopes that its changes will be implemented within the next five years.

Planet Claremont via Bwog Archive

Meeting via Pixabay

Meeting 2 via Pixabay

Numbers via Pixabay

Graphs via Pixabay

History via Wikimedia Commons

Urban Plan via Wikimedia Commons

Stream via Wikimedia Commons