Learn how to turn a crisis of meaning into the most mediocre stir fry you will ever taste in your short, sad, pointless life. 30 easy steps!


  1. One Full Onion, Vidalia
  2. Two Cups of Rice, White
  3. One Can of Beans, Black
  4. One Dollop of Olive Oil, Virgin
  5. 11 Mushrooms, Magic


  1. One Butter Knife
  2. One Frying Pan
  3. One Condom, Unused


  1. Wander the streets aimlessly like a Victorian ghoul.
  2. Acquire hunger just to feel something.
  3. Enter West Side Market.
  4. Stare blankly at the wall of onions. Does it matter which kind you choose? Is there any difference? Is there any point? 
  5. Pick Vidalia because it’s the second cheapest. (The cheapest is obviously below you, but you still aren’t made of money.)
  6. Find some mushrooms. Any mushrooms. Nobody cares.
  7. Buy that kind of rice in the bag that you can just stick in the microwave for two minutes and eat because God forbid you have to do a single dish you lazy piece of garbage.
  8. Wonder why olive oil is so expensive. Do you have to drill into the olive with an off-shore oil rig?
  9. Decide not to buy any olive oil.
  10. Open the olive oil bottle in the store and dribble a dollop into that condom you always have in your wallet even though you haven’t felt the touch of another human since your girlfriend left you for Mark. (Note: The olive oil need not be extra virgin. You are the extra virgin—virgin because you’re an incel, extra because you’ve only ever been a superfluous, unnecessary addition to any room unfortunate enough to contain you.)
  11. Leave.
  12. Realize you forgot to buy beans.
  13. Decide to use that can you always keep by your bed to throw at potential intruders.
  14. Realize you don’t have a can opener.
  15. Cry for the first time.
  16. Spend forty minutes cutting off the top of the bean can with a butter knife.
  17. Chop the onion with that same butter knife. Realize you’re mostly just crushing it to a pulp. Throw the mangled mess into the frying pan.
  18. Squeeze your condom oil into the pan with the onion.
  19. Stir with the butter knife until browned.
  20. Cry for the second time (because of the fumes, not for any other reason).
  21. Attempt to cut the mushrooms with the butter knife. Fail. Rip it to pieces with your bare hands. Feel some power for the first time in your miserable existence.
  22. Add mushrooms to the pan.
  23. Add beans to the pan.
  24. Microwave your stupid rice bag.
  25. Add your stupid rice bag to the pan.
  26. Take the pan off the heat. After some contemplation, turn off the stove.
  27. Bury your face in the food like swine at the feeding trough because you don’t own a fork.
  28. Realize it needs salt.
  29. Rub some onion juice on your eyelids. Cry salty tears into the pan.
  30. Bon appétit! 

Eyeball via Bwarchives