Learn how to turn a crisis of meaning into the most mediocre stir fry you will ever taste in your short, sad, pointless life. 30 easy steps!
- One Full Onion, Vidalia
- Two Cups of Rice, White
- One Can of Beans, Black
- One Dollop of Olive Oil, Virgin
- 11 Mushrooms, Magic
- One Butter Knife
- One Frying Pan
- One Condom, Unused
- Wander the streets aimlessly like a Victorian ghoul.
- Acquire hunger just to feel something.
- Enter West Side Market.
- Stare blankly at the wall of onions. Does it matter which kind you choose? Is there any difference? Is there any point?
- Pick Vidalia because it’s the second cheapest. (The cheapest is obviously below you, but you still aren’t made of money.)
- Find some mushrooms. Any mushrooms. Nobody cares.
- Buy that kind of rice in the bag that you can just stick in the microwave for two minutes and eat because God forbid you have to do a single dish you lazy piece of garbage.
- Wonder why olive oil is so expensive. Do you have to drill into the olive with an off-shore oil rig?
- Decide not to buy any olive oil.
- Open the olive oil bottle in the store and dribble a dollop into that condom you always have in your wallet even though you haven’t felt the touch of another human since your girlfriend left you for Mark. (Note: The olive oil need not be extra virgin. You are the extra virgin—virgin because you’re an incel, extra because you’ve only ever been a superfluous, unnecessary addition to any room unfortunate enough to contain you.)
- Realize you forgot to buy beans.
- Decide to use that can you always keep by your bed to throw at potential intruders.
- Realize you don’t have a can opener.
- Cry for the first time.
- Spend forty minutes cutting off the top of the bean can with a butter knife.
- Chop the onion with that same butter knife. Realize you’re mostly just crushing it to a pulp. Throw the mangled mess into the frying pan.
- Squeeze your condom oil into the pan with the onion.
- Stir with the butter knife until browned.
- Cry for the second time (because of the fumes, not for any other reason).
- Attempt to cut the mushrooms with the butter knife. Fail. Rip it to pieces with your bare hands. Feel some power for the first time in your miserable existence.
- Add mushrooms to the pan.
- Add beans to the pan.
- Microwave your stupid rice bag.
- Add your stupid rice bag to the pan.
- Take the pan off the heat. After some contemplation, turn off the stove.
- Bury your face in the food like swine at the feeding trough because you don’t own a fork.
- Realize it needs salt.
- Rub some onion juice on your eyelids. Cry salty tears into the pan.
- Bon appétit!
Eyeball via Bwarchives