A list of things, via letter, that I associate with those who find it okay to eat whole fruit outside of the home.

Dear men, (not specific to you per say… but all is fair in love and war)

OK. It’s time to talk about one of the biggest unspoken red flags: Eating fruit in public. I’m not talking about grapes or berries. I’m referring to those of you who find it normal to eat WHOLE fruit in public.

Unhinging your jaw to tear off a little bit of apple is so barbaric; I cannot be the only person who believes this. It gives caveman or Ice Age mammoth, and I don’t like it. Watching people on campus tear into their pears makes me so upset, that I’ve decided to call you all out </3.

Below is a list of things that give “eating fruit in public,” and though some may be hyperbolic, they are all true to a degree:

  1. Would definitely defend Elon Musk in an econ lecture
  2. Has seen all of Succession, and will go to the ends of this EARTH to defend Tom Wambsgans
  3. Won’t hold the door for others, forcing you to be crushed by the Butler Breeze prematurely
  4. LOVES Chef Mike. Not the sandwiches, Chef Mike
  5. Spec supporter
  6. Is obsessed with Dua Lipa but is unaware that she sings
  7. “I just…. don’t see an issue with putting myself first 110% of the time”
  8. Would reserve an entire Butler cubicle for their backpack
  9. Is particular about liking cold water vs. water that is lukewarm
  10. Is actually named Luke
  11. Lies about their height to their Marriage Pact
  12. “Is too focused on the bag to date”
  13. Has zero sisters and is okay with that
  14. Is in their “SoundCloud Phase”
  15. Big fan of the JJs cheeseburger
  16. But hates lines
  17. And real, physical, mail

If any of these things resonate with you, maybe start small by cutting your fruit up into slices, or saving that apple for the bedroom.


Hogwarts Apple Fan, via Pixaby