Bwog does not endorse any of the below. They’re just…wistful dreams.
Recently I’ve been very on-edge. There’s something pent up inside me that yearns to break free. I’m living life on a thin line—each slight misgiving threatens to push me over the edge, where I may finally snap. I imagine myself inside a quiet library, where I let out a guttural, impassioned scream. What’s holding me back? Why can’t I explode? I want to curl up into a ball and disappear where nobody can see me and then spontaneously combust and suck in the whole world like a black hole. Unfortunately this isn’t like…possible, due to physics or whatever. So I’ve channeled this manic, frustrated energy into something productive. Turns out all of Bwog is going through something similar, so here are our suggestions on what to do when what we really want is to just spontaneously combust:
If you’re still waitlisted for a class
- Look up your professor’s address (cough cough, Whitepages) and knock on their door at 3 am.
- Dox your professor on Twitter (IP address, SSN, all the good stuff).
- Hack SSOL.
- Start a YouTube channel dedicated to making a video where you eat a piece of paper with your professor’s face on it every day until they let you into their class.
- Take a piece of your professor’s DNA (from hair, used mug, etc), trace their ancestry, and contact all their relatives.
If a club rejects you
- Silently stalk the president of your club until they file a restraining order.
- Still attend the club meetings and pretend they let you in anyways (that’s actually how half of Bwog’s staff got here!)
If you’re trying to avoid awkward social interaction on campus
- Stake out rarely-traversed locations at schools that are not your school (i.e. if you go to Barnard, go to the fourth floor Butler stacks; if you go to Columbia, study in the hallways of Altschul.)
- Pretend somebody doesn’t exist Black Mirror “White Christmas” style.
- Wear a baseball hat and dark sunglasses like the (utterly brainless) spies in movies.
How to fix your broken GPA
- Become friends with a legacy, become “the child [their parents] never had,” then whine to your friend’s parents until they ask the registrar to change your GPA.
- Good old-fashioned blackmail.
- Read Bwog.
If all of the laundry machines are still occupied even at 2 pm on a Tuesday
- Steal one sock from each pair you find in the washer or dryer.
- Put all of the lint from the ground in the dryer so the clothes will come out covered in lint.
- Unplug one of the machines and drag it into your dorm and just keep it there.
If you just really hate somebody
- Find what suite they want during the housing lottery. Take that suite.
- Catfish people on dating apps using the face of the person who wronged you.
- Make really convincing wanted posters and put them up around campus.
If you’ve already been emotionally wronged by the dining hall food
- Stage a sit-in in one of the dining halls and refuse to leave until you get what you want.
- Shit on the Sundial and tape a piece of paper to your shit that says “This is what [insert dining hall name here] did to me.”
If you have a crush on someone who probably likes you too but you’re both too afraid to tell each other you have feelings for each other so both of you are stalling
- Make a playlist about this exact feeling and make the cover of the playlist a picture of Patrick Bateman screaming because that’s exactly how you feel, too.
- Make tweets about it and post it to your public Twitter page which you hope they secretly stalk.
- Text them very vague allusions hoping they’ll catch on.
- Send face responses to their BeReals.
- Write a section of a Bwog post about it which you hope they somehow come across (if you’re reading this, please text me).
- *Existential screaming*
Me via PxHere