This week was girthy and a lot to swallow.

Hey folks! 

This week I was randomly chosen within Bwog to write up the This Week at Columbia news recap, however, I am studying abroad in Spain at the moment. I tried my hardest by using all the resources and information I could find online, especially Reddit, and tapped into the astral plane to view and interact with Columbia’s campus from Madrid. This is a recap of all the highlights I was able to gather! We had a week packed with juicy, girthy(content-wise), and exciting news! Have a nice weekend!

Best wishes,

Jake  

On Tuesday, February 14th, to celebrate Valentine’s day, JJ’s announced they will be offering hot dogs. But these hot dogs are not your standard 6-inch weiner. JJ’s has pushed the envelope by crafting an 8.54 inch sausage filled to the brim with meat. In a testimony from Mr. JJ himself, he explained how he designed the glorious glizzy in the dirty, dark, dank John Jay hall basement locked up for the past 17 years: “Ya know I was just dinkin around with the dawgs pouring whatever on it and it just worked”. Dozens of trucks rolled in on 114th in the morning as workers rallied to bring the 12 tons of shmeat into the back doors of John Jay. Students started filing in line at 2:00 PM for the event that was taking place at 5:30 PM, making sure to bring their valentines day date with them. Free merch was supposedly being offered to the first 500 students to embrace the almost foot-long franks awaiting them. However, to everyone’s surprise, only the first 43 students were able to successfully get the rare “I tried JJ’s weenies” t-shirts. President Bolinger and recently announced Barnard President-Elect Musk attended the event and I was able to get a few words with them. President Bolinger had tears rolling down his face as he passionately explained, “These were the best weenies I have ever tasted, and I have had my fair share of sausage in my mouth”. Elon, as the stoic, strong, sexy, and beautiful intellectual he is, explained “Wow, I am blown away by all of that meat. I am gonna have a word with that Mr. JJ. I am going to make sure that everyone around the world can have access to these 8.54 inches of delight by 2035. I will be able to do this using a new technology I am planning on calling HoloWeenies and I will use Mr. JJ’s delectable and mouth-watering meats as a backbone to gather investors.” After the hot dogs ran out, students continued lining up as the masterminds at JJ’s replaced all of the water in the Coca-Cola and milkshake machines with the hot dog water. We were told this water supply should last for at least a day or two however students entered the dining hall with tanks and jugs tied to their backs ready to be filled with the wondrous water. Dining hall workers tried to stop them, but SEAS students got creative hiding tubes inside their jackets connected to the backpacked jugs and cups they poured the water into. Towards the end of the event, I encountered a fellow Bwogger, Columbia Student, and renowned food critic and was able to ask about their experience at the event. Sofie Huang BC’25 had some critical things to say about the event “I thought the JJ’s special meal was upper average but overall dissatisfying”. It seemed like she was further in line and wasn’t able to get merch or a weenie or get to taste the weenie water milkshakes or soda. Bolu Oshuntolu SEAS’25 seemed to have a better experience “I was a little shocked, I didn’t know the staff had it in them. I almost went into a paralysis because of how amazing it was.” Bolu was halfway through the line, so he probably didn’t get a dog, so I am not sure which part of the event he was referring to but I agree with his sentiment. He also mentioned the water being pee flavored when he got into JJ’s “which was still awesome, but definitely changed”. Before leaving the event, I ran into Maximilian, the renowned critic (Bo Tang SEAS’25), peering into the sunset. The words he said about the event brought me to tears and I truly cannot recreate the moment for you all, however, I can provide a few of the words he shared with me. He referred to the changing of the coke machine water to be “the peak of human development” and mentioned that consuming the sausage-flavored milkshakes was a “primitive practice”. I highly recommend checking out his full review here. Overall, this event was a clear success and hopefully, the JJ’s weenies will be a Columbia staple for the future. 

Over the course of the week, Columbia students have been experiencing the wrath of New York’s climate. Monday morning, everyone had to shuffle to class in 4 layers with temperatures of 10-20 degrees Fahrenheit. The following day the temperatures suddenly shifted to a high of 80. In that one day, the leaves began to regrow on the college walk trees. However, before the end of the day, the temperature began to go back down to its previous level. While students were waiting in line for the JJ’s weenies special, the temperature had gone down about 74 degrees to a low of 6 degrees Fahrenheit. A student in line wishing to be blessed with 8.54 inches of goodness was instead issued to a hospital after experiencing cold shock and passing out after refusing to go back to his dorm to get a jacket which would have subsequently caused him to lose his spot in line and his wiener.  

On Wednesday Soulja Boy was announced as the Bacchanal headliner with an opening act performed by Weezer. I was able to get a few words from Soulja Boy about his surprising appearance at the yearly Columbia event, he said “Soulja boy will be in it, oh. Columbia will watch me crank, watch me roll.” We also received information that Soulja Boy will be giving out the latest generation of his prized SouljaGame console and handhelds to random attendees of the concert. The newest generation actually recently started shipping last Friday, so this is quite a good opportunity for students! On top of that, it’s not clear how long Soulja Boy Game 2.0 will be available due to the copyright takedown on his previous console. Soulja Boy believes that his console will sell without issues however and everyone will be able to “superman that hoe” (referencing the ability to play the Superman 64 game provided by the Nintendo 64 emulator on the device). Soulja Boy also included in his Twitter announcement that the Soulja Boy Game 2.0 will include AI of some sort. This is shaping out to be the biggest console release of the year. Soulja Boy is very excited to share his gaming console and music with the Columbia community! 

Additionally, it seems Weezer is very excited about the prospects of working with Soulja Boy. Rivers Cuomo, lead singer of Weezer, went on record excitedly and nervously stating “Oh-h h-hi. M-man you don’t know how long we have been waiting for this chance. W-we have always felt that our distinct music style would mesh perfectly with Mr. Soulja Boy’s style. I am nervous but excited to meet him and sing for him. I don’t know if I mentioned this but I’m really excited, b-but it’s not like I like him or anything like that”. After saying this Rivers started making weird faces and noises so I walked away. 

Students in McBain hall woke up to a special surprise on the morning of Sunday, February 12th. Only cold water was coming out of the sinks and showers. Columbia Housing informed students of the issue at 1:28 PM and mentioned that the issue was being looked into and would be resolved as soon as possible. Wednesday afternoon, the first student reported no water coming out of any faucet on their floor. Students outraged by the lack of support from Housing flooded into Hartley Hall to complain to the hospitality desk. The issue was resolved the next morning when the plumber just turned a nut a couple times in the basement and claimed to fix the issue in a matter of minutes. It turned out that the plumber had not been paid for several weeks by Columbia and decided to just not go to work which resulted in a Columbia Admin trying to fix the water situation themself making it worse.

That’s all for the This Week at Columbia, check in next week for more news updates!

Omg JJ’s is literally weenie hut jrs via bwog archives

Jake Torres and Sofie Huang contributed to reporting.