Green M&M to become new President of Barnard College. Update: Elon Musk to become new President of Barnard College. Editor’s warning: Mentions of Elon Musk; unsexy candies.

The Barnard Presidential Search Committee, in a since-deleted email sent to students Thursday evening, announced that the M&M spokescandy known colloquially as “the Green M&M” has been appointed to replace Sian Beilock as the President of Barnard College. In their email, the Search Committee highlighted the pioneering and groundbreaking nature of the career of Ms. Green, who is expected to officially take the mantle of President this summer.

It was previously announced on July 21, 2022 that Beilock would be stepping down in order to accept an appointment as the President of Dartmouth College, and the Presidential Search Committee was known to be conducting a thorough and intensive search to replace Beilock as president. Now, their search comes to the end with a capable and inspiring candidate in Ms. Green.

Upon making her debut as a promotional figure in 1997, Ms. Green became the first female spokescandy of the M&M brand (owned by the multinational manufacturer Mars, Incorporated). Ms. Green is set to become the first milk chocolate president of Barnard College, as well as the first unsexy president of an Ivy League institution. 

In addition to her highly visible role as a leading and pioneering spokescandy for one of the world’s most popular and iconic products of the last century, Ms. Green found herself catapulted into the spotlight in recent years due to backlash from primarily conservative pundits such as Tucker Carlson, who criticized her bold, feminist decision to change her style of footwear. Following the media attention, Ms. Green was replaced in her promotional role by popular actress and sketch comedian Maya Rudolph. The cultural firestorm involving Ms. Green and the likes of Mr. Carlson has been thoroughly chronicled and commented upon by leading media publications, as exemplified by the piece “Let The Green M&M Be A Nasty Little Slut” (surprisingly not a Bwog article), published by Rolling Stone in early 2022.

In addition to the Search Committee’s email, Columbia President-Elect Nemat “Minouche” Shafik sent a brief statement to Columbia students’ email accounts heralding the appointment of Ms. Green. “I am greatly looking forward to the opportunity to collaborate with Ms. Green and coordinate the trajectories of our amazing institutions in the years to come!” wrote President-Elect Shafik. “I have always admired Ms. Green, who has been a great source of inspiration for intellectuals around the globe, and I greatly anticipate the ability to work alongside a fellow girlboss as I begin my term as President of Columbia. Columbia University and Barnard College have always shared a close bond, and I can think of no better candidate than Ms. Green to join me in preserving this relationship and leading the Columbia and Barnard community into the future. Mmm, is anybody hungry? I’m kinda craving some chocolate.” Shafik, alternatively known as the Baroness, will begin her tenure at Columbia University alongside Ms. Green this coming summer.

More details, including a statement from Ms. Green herself, can be expected in the coming days. For now, Barnard students and the Columbia community at large can rest easy knowing that the void left by Beilock’s departure has been appropriately filled, and the utmost stability and serenity can now be expected moving forward in the succession process.

UPDATE, 11:57 pm: 

In an interesting turn of events, Twitter Chief Executive Officer Elon Musk, the well-known billionaire magnate and lightning rod of controversy, took to the social media platform to air his thoughts on Ms. Green’s appointment as new Barnard president. 

Musk is the latest in a long string of influential figures expressing their aversion towards Ms. Green’s new appointment. Apart from Musk, contentious drag queen George Santos spoke against Barnard’s decision in a video posted to his OnlyFans Thursday night, saying, “It should have been me” and “They asked me first, but I turned it down. I’m too busy educating the nation on the value of truth through blatant lies and tasteful drag. Did you know Barack Obama killed JFK?”

UPDATE, 12:21 am: 

Medical reports from Sibley Memorial Hospital in Washington, DC (adjacent to the Mars, Inc headquarters) have been received. Ms. Green is reported to have been in critical condition, having suffered blunt force trauma on her way to New York via motorcade. 

Condolences for Ms. Green have poured in, to which she has responded via morse code blinking, “I’m not dead yet!!!” (exclamation marks inferred). Her chance of survival are incredibly low, given that her body has fractured into a million tiny pieces like a crushed M&—oh wait…but miraculously Ms. Green has held on. It seems that the more thoughts and prayers she receives, the stronger she grows. Perhaps she will grow into a bigger, more powerful M&M. 

UPDATE, 12:29 am: 

Musk declared via his Twitter account that he is now the new President-Elect of Barnard College. This claim has not been verified. 

No prior connection between Musk and Barnard is known, nor any institution or public figure associated with Columbia University. Mr. Musk’s interest in the Barnard presidential office has come at a surprise to some, with outgoing President Sian Beilock having been woken up in the middle of the night, told the news, and having said, “Well, not my problem. Do you know how much Dartmouth is paying me?”

UPDATE, 12:38 am: 

The Green M&M has died.

UPDATE, 12:54 am: 

Barnard College has officially released a statement confirming the appointment of business magnate and current Twitter Chief Executive Officer Elon Musk to succeed Sian Beilock as President of Barnard College, confirming what Musk declared Thursday evening via his Twitter account. Following widespread speculation on campus concerning the validity of Musk’s claim, especially in the wake of the tumult of the now-retracted appointment of Ms. Green to the same position, the Presidential Search Committee sent an email to Columbia and Barnard students confirming Musk’s appointment. 

In the email sent to students, the Presidential Search Committee emphasized their seven-month long search for a resilient leader who valued higher education and innovation. They declared Musk as possessing these qualities due to his career in entrepreneurship and technology. No mention was made to the decision to retract the announced appointment of Ms. Green, nor the late-night Tweets Musk fired off upon the initial news regarding Ms. Green.

Elon Musk is widely known for his pursuits in business and technology, currently holding the position as the second-wealthiest person on Earth. Grimes’s ex-boyfriend graduated from the University of Pennsylvania with degrees in Economics and Physics. The chronically-online incel subsequently co-founded the software company Zip2 and the digital banking system X.com. The South African apartheid heir became the CEO of Tesla in 2008. The Joe Rogan fanboy also founded SpaceX and co-founded the research group OpenAI, the neurotechnology company Neuralink, and the tunnel construction organization The Boring Company. In 2022, Musk became the owner and CEO of Twitter. 

President-Elect Elon Musk is expected to lead the University into an era of strength and innovation, mentioning his upcoming institution of “radical changes” in Tuesday’s Tweet. Musk is anticipated to support student entrepreneurship and technological research, especially throughout the STEM fields. 

Below is an email from Barnard’s Presidential Search Committee sent to students at 12:51 am on Friday, February 10: 

Dear members of the Barnard community, 

We’ve all just downed five shots of Fireball. We’re fucking tired. 

We are thrilled to announce the selection of Barnard College’s 9th president, Elon Reeve Musk. This has been a lengthy and comprehensive search spanning seven months. The committee aimed to elect a leader who exemplified certain qualities: leadership, committed support of higher education, confident resilience, and an eye for innovation. 

Musk is an extremely accomplished individual who we have identified as possessing all of the above qualities. He graduated from the University of Pennsylvania with degrees in Economics and Physics. After a brief stint at Stanford University, he co-founded the software company Zip2 and the online financial system X.com. In 2002, Musk founded SpaceX, the first private company to launch a spacecraft. He became the CEO of Tesla in 2008. He later co-founded the artificial intelligence research company OpenAI, the neurotechnology company Neuralink, and the tunnel construction service The Boring Company. In 2022, he became the owner and CEO of Twitter. 

While this decision comes at a time of heavy discourse surrounding Musk’s career decisions and ideals, we are confident he will lead the College down a path of strength and innovation. Musk will support student entrepreneurship and technological research with an emphasis in the STEM departments, expanding on the Barnard Year of Science. We are sooooo excited for Elon to join Barnard!!!! 

Horrified, 

The Barnard Presidential Search Committee

Barnard’s New Presidents via Bwog Staff

Tweets via Bwog Staff