Your favorite, most reliable Barnumbia advice-givers, Nikki Nambiar & Tal Bloom, launch the first article of their immaculate advice column. 

Oh, Barnumbia. How you yearn. Yearn for advice, for guidance through these harrowed streets of this harrowed institution. No one tells you how to do college (well, Bwog does… but we digress). Do not fear. Tal and Nikki are here. In our first installment, we will give you all you need to know about this silly, silly school. 

What should I do if I only have 20 meal swipes left for the semester?

Well, in this situation it probably would be best to use them up as quickly as you can—an abundance mindset if you will. Try to use all 20 meal swipes in three days, so that you have less time to be in that sad, conserving mindset! Then get back to us. Xoxo.

What tips do you have for choosing the right major or field of study?

People will tell you there’s “no right major”; no field of study that will be an end-all-be-all for your college career or future life. They’re wrong. We recommend that you only choose from the following list of majors. We warned you.

  • Astrophysics
  • Russian studies
  • Creative Writing
  • Classics

My boyfriend says he’s going to break up with me because he hates the humiliation of being signed into Barnard. My roommate also says she’s going to roommate divorce me because I “always have him in the room” (it’s only like, 5 nights a week!!!!). What should I do???

Oh boy. This solution is two-fold. As communication is always key, I would recommend that you minimize contact with your roommate as much as possible. Sneak your boyf in. Stalk your roommate’s location. Sneaking should solve your other problem, too. Simply do the “standing in a big trench coat” bit to sneak your boyfriend in. No sign-ins AND no embarrassment! 

“How can I prepare for internship and career opportunities while in college?

FRIEND!! What do you mean… in college?? You’re saying you decided to come to Barnumbia without having already made a 50-step plan on how to become the most successful human to exist? If you don’t already have your internships lined up, I’m sorry to say I think there’s just nothing we can do to help you. Sorry bro.

“I think my textbook is haunted. What’s the best way to exorcise it without getting detention?”

This is a great question. It seems to be a common occurrence and probably why a lot of our resources are available online now. I personally ran into a haunted textbook freshman year (Calc textbook… it was absolutely horrifying) and what helped was repeatedly begging the demon inhabiting the book to help me with my homework. Pester power, baby. I’m sorry your textbook is haunted but I hope it gets better xoxo.

Alternatively, you can take it for a run (get it exorcise like exercise).

“I accidentally enrolled in a class on ‘Advanced Quantum Pogo Stick Physics.’ What do I do now?”

 Rise and grind.

My pet rock is feeling lonely in my dorm. How can I find it a suitable roommate?”

We’re so sorry to hear that. Maybe there’s a deeper underlying issue. I would consider couples counseling. If that doesn’t work, there are plenty of loose bricks in front of John Jay. You should try setting your rock up with one of the bricks. Hope that helps!

“What extracurricular activities or clubs are worth joining, and how can I find my niche?”

Bwog baby. But also please join Barnard Garden Club!! Both clubs are filled with the coolest people in the world and we’re most definitely not biased.

Email for any future burning questions you may have.

Tal and Nikki via Tal and Nikki