A thoughtful collection of conspiracy theories on what is going on in the Barnumbia broken elevators! Could Hilary Clinton be hiding in the Lerner one? Or is your lost key card from freshman year just chilling out in Hartley’s broken elevator?

When I was little, the elevators in my apartment building never seemed to work. So, I would make up fantasy stories of what could be going on in the big metal boxes when they weren’t ushering me up to my apartment building. Second grade me was convinced that Harry Styles was living in the shut-down elevator when in reality the cables were just broken. 

Recently at Barnumbia, it seems like none of the elevators want to work. From Hartley to Sulz, it seems like everyone is now either having to climb up the stairs or wait at least 5 minutes to catch a ride up to their respective destinations. For me, I often opt for the latter option. All this waiting has led me to revert to my childhood tendencies. I was thinking, hmmmm what is actually happening in these elevators? Could someone, or something be hiding in them? 

Sulz Elevator: 

This broken elevator has led to many Barnard first years having to trek up to their respective dorm rooms. Why is the elevator not in service you may be wondering? Well, Greta Gerwig is actually writing the sequel to Barbie in there. She must really need to focus because locking yourself in a box is some serious dedication. Let’s hope she mentions Barnard in this sequel! And, rumor has it, Ryan Gosling went to bring her a snack as a writing break there yesterday….

600 w 116th Elevator: 

This elevator is often out of commission for a few hours every few weeks. Why, you may ask? Well, those who can’t get a seat at the ShakeShack below the building often will go take their french fries, ShackBurgers, and shakes to this metal box to enjoy their overpriced meal. From what I’ve heard, people love the vibes of just chilling out and eating on the 116th floor. I guess it’s something about the aura. For this situation, it seems like the best solution would be more seating at Shake Shack, but we all know that NYC real estate can be quite tough. 

Barnard’s Milstein Elevators (BOTH!) : 

Since none of the Milstein elevators are working right now, I guess no one has to study. Just kidding (but we all know we wish this was the case…). So, what is going on in these elevators? It seems like the infamous Brooks 7 Floor Shitter has claimed another floor as a victim. Maybe this time, the pooping perpetrator remembers their little accident and has realized this behavior is gross and unacceptable. Let’s just hope that the Shitter has had their final hurrah because right now it seems like no one is safe. The Barnard noses can’t handle it anymore. 

Hartley Elevators: 

We’ve all had to take that trek to Hartley after losing our key card. So, it makes sense that the shrine to all the lost ID cards has taken over their elevators. From the start of using these cards, anytime one has gotten lost, it has felt a gravitational pull towards Hartley. Did you lose your key card once? I bet you will be able to find it here. But, good luck to anyone who now has to walk up to the 9th floor, that is not a fun way to spend your time. 

Lerner Elevator Near Entrance: 

As the Lerner Entrance elevator has become the most recent elevator to fall under the plague of the broken elevator syndrome, you can bet that now you will likely have to walk up all the ramps. Hiding here is Hillary Clinton, while her Secret Service Agent gets her the iconic Ferris strawberries. While she doesn’t want to walk all the way into the crowded chaos that Ferris can be, she definitely is a fan of the strawberries and Nutella combo they provide (and maybe a DIY pasta bowl too!)

Barnumbia, please, I implore you to fix the elevators. Our legs can’t take all the stairs anymore! But, in the meantime, a great way to occupy the time while waiting for that other elevator to come or while hiking up to class, I hope you can imagine something fun happening in the locked metal box….. (And one final shoutout to the Philosophy Hall elevators for their scariness and the SIPA ones for taking longer than forever). 

DISCLAIMER: This article was written last week and it seems that some of these elevators are working now….however, we can all still wonder, hmmmm, what has taken over the newer broken elevator?

Image via Bwarchives