If you wrap gifts this well, you’re definitely procrastinating

It’s a week until Christmas, and you haven’t started buying gifts for your friends! It’s not really your fault – when you have a final on Christmas Eve Eve, it’s hard to focus on shopping. But if you haven’t quite found the perfect present for your Columbia friends, don’t worry. Momma Bwog has a lot of experience shopping at the last minute. Unfortunately, we don’t know your friends, so we’ll just have to guess what they like.

If there’s one thing holiday gifting is about, it’s stuffing things in boxes. So, in the spirit of the season, we’ll fit members of the community into tight little boxes and let you know what gifts you can get your favorite Columbians.

For the campus activist:

• Clogs to stomp out the patriarchy. Get them with backs (for extended marching), and to get the big deals, by them used through Barnard Buy/Sell/Trade.
• A box full of bargain books from the tables on Broadway. As a bonus, the box can be used to make signs.
• Since it’s been hard to find this semester but has symbolic value, red duct tape.

For the Butler camper

• A blanket with bookshelves on it, to keep them warm on those cold nights and to blend in.
• Get your loved one some Q-Tips, because for some reason, libraries make your skin secrete 10 times as much oil as usual.
• Even for the yellow and red zones, you’ve got to keep your Blue Java coffee warm somehow.
• Apparently, Butler campers like beer.

For your overworked friend:

• Fix their stiff back with a massaging back roller. Or, to help with stress, get a different kind of massager.
• Another tried and true stress relief – chocolate. A lot of chocolate.
• Help them keep track of their Ritalin and Adderall with a handy pill organizer.

For the shirtless runners:

• Gym shorts that cover… more.
• Because they’re proving to be way too finicky, you might want to make sure they have an extra Fitbit charger.
• Help them cut through college walk traffic with some nifty turn signal blinkers.

For the philosophy major:

• Encourage them to ask the (un)important questions with What If?
• Help them through the lonely nights with the 2014 rom-com What If.
• Shame them into keeping their exploratory lectures out of your discussion section with the children’s book, What if Everybody Did That?

For Prezbo:

• A brand new toupee.

All I Want for Christmas via Shutterstock