This is PrezBo’s house. Very posh.

Once a semester, a small group of students are selected to attend a Q&A at PrezBo’s house. They are treated to blintzes, fancy soda, and lots of very evasive answers. New Bwogger Yaniv Goren found this semester’s talk uncharacteristically dull, but not without highlights.

Last night, President Bollinger held this academic year’s first Fireside Chat. Accompanying him were the usual Columbia administration suspects: among them, Cristen Kromm, the dean of undergraduate student life; Suzanne Goldberg, the executive vice president for university life; and Scott Wright, the vice president for campus services.

Fireside Chats, held once a semester in PrezBo’s 60 Morningside Drive residence, can be quite contentious. This is unsurprising: give a handful of students the opportunity to confront powerful campus administrators about Columbia’s latest controversies, and you’d expect some Tiffany Pollard-level antics.

But this semester’s Fireside Chat was characterized by relatively tame questions. PrezBo used this hour of serenity to espouse political beliefs, utter platitudes about the Core, and distance himself from accountability for the manifold problems facing students.

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idk some old picture of what looks like Schermerhorn

EIC Youngweon Lee asks a question that should be on all of our minds: does Schermerhorn Hall actually exist?

My very first class at Columbia, a Tuesday 10:10 am anthropology class, was in 963 Schermerhorn Extension. I am adamant that this is probably one of the hardest classrooms to locate on campus, and it was my literal first class of college. Every single person, including the professor, got lost that day. A total of two students, myself included, out of a class of 12 or so, ended up actually finding the classroom.

This anecdote is demonstrative of a larger issue surrounding the maze we call Schermerhorn Hall. First, a small minority of the student population knows where it even is. Next, no one actually knows how to pronounce it. If you think you know, you’re wrong. However you’re saying it is wrong. Third, what even is the extension? Why did they have to extend Schermerhorn Hall? It’s like the original building was too straightforward and intuitive, so they added some confusion. You can only access the extension through certain floors of the main building, and there’s a weird passageway to get there.

The only logical conclusion to be derived from this is that Schermerhorn Hall is not a real place. It’s actually a secret passageway to go to Brooklyn. If you stand in a “bathroom” in “Schermerhorn Extension” (I actually don’t know if there are any bathrooms in Schermerhorn Extension), look in the mirror, and pronounce Schermerhorn three different ways, you will be teleported to Hoyt-Schermerhorn Station in Brooklyn, which is another liminal space with a really weird transfer from the A/C to the G, which is not a real train. Half of the station has been closed since 1946, rather like how Schermerhorn Hall has a weird extension whose purpose I am unsure of.

“Space” isn’t real. Neither is Schermerhorn Hall. Wake up.

“Schermerhorn?” via Bwog Archives

I don’t know who in the heck even made this masterpiece but it pretty much just made my day

Maybe you’re an upperclassman who has run out of freshmen who are willing to swipe you into JJ’s Place. Or perhaps you’re a freshman yourself, preparing for the hell that is not having that backstage pass to JJ’s Place. In the interests of the people, we here at Bwog have decided to compile a very useful, very valid list of ways to sneak into JJ’s.

Disclaimer: This post is meant to be a satirical take on an aspect of Columbia student life. Bwog does not actually approve of and/or condone sneaking into university dining halls.

1. Take the subway there. On a weekend when there’s supposedly “planned work” on the 1 line, ignore the paper sign and go down into the 116th station anyway. When the train arrives on the downtown track (because it will), tell the operator the secret password, which is “overnight oats.” The train will then take you straight through to JJ’s.
2. Dig yourself a hole into JJ’s. Go to the John Jay lobby. Then, jump in the same spot 138 times, until you have a made a man-sized hole wide enough for your to crawl down and grab some of those sweet, sweet chicken wings.
3. Swipe a Cornell ID. We tried this one here at Bwog, and we can confirm 100% that this works.
4. Capitalize upon the positioning of the solar system to practice some dark magic. Legend has it that if you whisper “Jonathan Jay’s Place” into the mirror 5 times on the night of a full moon while drinking a REAL Jamba Juice, you’ll be granted a CUID with unlimited JJ’s swipes.
5. Take notes from Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Click your heels three times in front of the overly-aggressive air conditioning units in John Jay Hall. The air will then reverse directions, taking you in and directly to JJ’s.
6. Dress up as a giant crinkle cut french fry. Walk right in. Enough said.
7. Ally yourself with the Rat King of Lerner. Go to Lerner. Then, find the secret tunnel that the rat king of Lerner Hall and his minions have chewed through the walls straight across campus and into JJ’s Place.
8. Time travel to 1788. Locate John Jay, who has fallen ill upon writing the fourth federalist paper. While he is weakened, take his life and assume the identity of “John Jay.” Help complete the Federalist papers, and then donate to Columbia. Subsequently declare in your will that 200 years from now a child will be born who will share your name and who will have unlimited swipes to a so-called, “Jonathan Jay’s Place.” Go 200 years forward in time, and grow up and enjoy the sweet innocence of childhood. Take time to stop 9/11 or do whatever else you want to do, then enjoy your free JJ’s swipes upon reaching adulthood.

That new green smoothie kinda looks like puke though :/ via Bwog Archives

Welcome!

Upon hearing about the ten-person super suites of renovated Carman, this Bwogger knew she had to investigate. Having never entered the illustrious freshman residence hall that is Carman, there seemed to be only two possibilities of what was to come: either this would be an off-brand Bachelor in Paradise or the den of an above ground sex dungeon. But alas, this Carman super suite was more shocking than we could have ever imagined.

Where were the puddles of elevator vomit? The confetti of condoms in the halls? It didn’t smell like rubbing alcohol, Gatorade, and sweat—it smelled like laundry! With walls reminiscent of a freshly painted Blink gym and carpets like those of a high-end motel, Makena Kiara and Olivia Grinberg, both CC ’22, share in the bewilderment, “Yeah, we thought Carman would be a lot crazier than it is.”

When asked why they chose Carman, Makena and Olivia answered that they wanted to experience a complete college life. As one of the few suites on their floor occupied by mostly non-athletes, the pair feels they may not be the most accurate portrayal of life at Carman, but are definitely one of the most aesthetic.

Makena, inspired by the positivity of the sunflower and has curated her side of their enormous double in this image. Olivia, by fate, has adorned her walls with posters of bees and botany that, she says, are the same posters that her brother has in his room. This adorable pair makes a room larger than any John Jay lounge into a society6 dream.

Photos and words of wisdom after the jump!

There are no sharks in this Bwoglines, I just like that song.

Happening in the World: Soil liquefaction is sweeping away already damaged neighborhoods in Indonesia. When soil is saturated with water, as it is after the earthquake and tsunami that ravaged the country, it can behave almost like a liquid. The combined natural disasters have killed over 1,407 people. (CNN)

Happening in the US: A New York Times investigation uncovered thousands of pages of Fred Trump’s tax returns. The documents reveal a pattern of shady financial maneuvers by Fred and his son Donald Trump, as well as proving that Donald’s story that he is a self-made billionaire is a misrepresentation. (NYT)

Happening in NYC: Bob’s Burgers-themed food carts are coming to Manhattan starting today! They’ll be stationed outside the Javits Center until October 7. (Secret NYC)

Happening on Campus: Columbia Effective Altruism is hosting its first event of the year today at 8:00 pm in IAB room 405. There will be a presentation about effective altruism as a movement and about how the club operates on campus, followed by a Q&A and discussion. THERE WILL ALSO BE FREE FOOD.

Overseen: A bunch of relevant graffiti on a vagina cleaning advertisement on 110th.

Book Recommendation of the Day: The Name of the Wind, Patrick Rothfuss. The first of the Kingkiller Chronicles, this book is one of the fantasy greats. The characters are richly drawn, the plot is complex and riveting, and there are plenty of crass jokes. Sadly, only two of three books are published. When you’ve read both you’ll be waiting on Rothfuss even more impatiently then on G. R. R. Martin.

Photo via Bwog Archives