Just a few days after the start of the beloved ESC festival of waterguns, over one third of the agents have been officially as dead as Empanada Joe’s, and CUAssassins is starting to get nasty. 

Less violent but just as serious as the war in the street is the competition between killers for the best kill report. Since our first look at them, the reports have only gotten more and more entertaining, sophisticated, and zing-y. One of Bwog’s favorites is even quite lyrical:

Deceased: rosestitos

Time of Death: Tuesday, February 24 at 05:12 PM

Location of Death: 114th between Broadway and Amsterdam

Summary of Death: I saw da Raj I killed da Raj I put his dead body in ma garage

Though few others attempted rhyme, also vying for the position of most poetic report is a more sophisticated stripe of snark

Deceased: Eleanor

Time of Death: Monday, February 23 at 09:34 PM

Location of Death: Outside of Havemeyer Hall

Summary of Death: We lay in wait for this great dame. We sent him to the Whitehouse in the sky.

Close to half of the killers chose to make their report original and quirky by poking fun at their victim’s agent name – some more colorfully than others

Deceased: BAMF

Time of Death: Monday, February 23 at 09:37 PM

Location of Death: Broadway

Summary of Death: When a BAMF gets PW3ND, does it make a sound?

Also well represented was the classic secret-agent/cop show/Keifer Sutherland rendition of events

Deceased: The Fisheater

Time of Death: Sunday, February 22 at 10:17 PM

Location of Death: 111th and Amsterdam

Summary of Death: 7:37pm- Target found leaving Ruggles and going down Amsterdam. Recon sent and backup requested, immediately. 7:42pm- Recon reports on target’s location: Mexican food place. between 108th and 107th. 7:44pm- Backup arrives; camps at 108th. Recon watches across the street. Squad leader camps at 107th. 8:03pm Target leaves food place. Recon alerts squad members. Target passes our locations and Squad leader and backup converge behind. 8:06 Target eliminated. Civilian casualty due to misidentification: 1

And the gangsta-rap variety

Deceased: The Godfather

Time of Death: Wednesday, February 25 at 03:49 AM

Location of Death: Outside of Hartley Computer Lab

Summary of Death: They shootin’! — Aw made you look You a slave to a page in my rhyme book Gettin’ Big/”big” money, playboy your time’s up Where them gangstas? Where them dimes at?

Many advised their victims to essentially be less stupid

Deceased: the lead pipe

Time of Death: Monday, February 23 at 05:10 PM

Location of Death: outside John Jay

Summary of Death: You shouldn’t socialize with other team members in public… Then end. Fín.

And of course, the winner of the sweet-and-simple contest

Deceased: Tangerine

Time of Death: Monday, February 23 at 09:45 PM

Location of Death: Broadway 5

Summary of Death: Easy

For all the kill reports, statistics, and rules of the game, check out the ESC CUAssassins main page.