Just a few days after the start of the beloved ESC festival of waterguns, over one third of the agents have been officially as dead as Empanada Joe’s, and CUAssassins is starting to get nasty.
Less violent but just as serious as the war in the street is the competition between killers for the best kill report. Since our first look at them, the reports have only gotten more and more entertaining, sophisticated, and zing-y. One of Bwog’s favorites is even quite lyrical:
Time of Death: Tuesday, February 24 at 05:12 PM
Location of Death: 114th between Broadway and Amsterdam
Summary of Death: I saw da Raj I killed da Raj I put his dead body in ma garage
Though few others attempted rhyme, also vying for the position of most poetic report is a more sophisticated stripe of snark
Time of Death: Monday, February 23 at 09:34 PM
Location of Death: Outside of Havemeyer Hall
Summary of Death: We lay in wait for this great dame. We sent him to the Whitehouse in the sky.
Close to half of the killers chose to make their report original and quirky by poking fun at their victim’s agent name – some more colorfully than others
Time of Death: Monday, February 23 at 09:37 PM
Location of Death: Broadway
Summary of Death: When a BAMF gets PW3ND, does it make a sound?
Also well represented was the classic secret-agent/cop show/Keifer Sutherland rendition of events
Deceased: The Fisheater
Time of Death: Sunday, February 22 at 10:17 PM
Location of Death: 111th and Amsterdam
Summary of Death: 7:37pm- Target found leaving Ruggles and going down Amsterdam. Recon sent and backup requested, immediately. 7:42pm- Recon reports on target’s location: Mexican food place. between 108th and 107th. 7:44pm- Backup arrives; camps at 108th. Recon watches across the street. Squad leader camps at 107th. 8:03pm Target leaves food place. Recon alerts squad members. Target passes our locations and Squad leader and backup converge behind. 8:06 Target eliminated. Civilian casualty due to misidentification: 1
And the gangsta-rap variety
Deceased: The Godfather
Time of Death: Wednesday, February 25 at 03:49 AM
Location of Death: Outside of Hartley Computer Lab
Summary of Death: They shootin’! — Aw made you look You a slave to a page in my rhyme book Gettin’ Big/”big” money, playboy your time’s up Where them gangstas? Where them dimes at?
Many advised their victims to essentially be less stupid
Deceased: the lead pipe
Time of Death: Monday, February 23 at 05:10 PM
Location of Death: outside John Jay
Summary of Death: You shouldn’t socialize with other team members in public… Then end. Fín.
And of course, the winner of the sweet-and-simple contest
Time of Death: Monday, February 23 at 09:45 PM
Location of Death: Broadway 5
Summary of Death: Easy
For all the kill reports, statistics, and rules of the game, check out the ESC CUAssassins main page.