When we last checked in with Columbia’s favorite hose, point, ’n’ laugh competition, the kill reports sounded like the best creative writing assignment you never turned in. This week, the killers lay on the literary as we hit notes of tragedy, romance, and Tupac. The following noir nugget wins Most Evocative for bringing together Tracer Bullet and John Jay dining:

Time of Death: Sunday, March 01 at 10:42 PM

Location of Death: John Jay Dining Hall

Summary of Death: My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim I’d be on easy street. Instead I’ve got an office on 49th street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents. It’s a tough job but then I’m a tough guy.

While fans of star-crossed love will sigh prettily over what might have been:

Time of Death: Monday, March 02 at 09:55 PM

Location of Death: Broadway Elevators

Summary of Death: After spotting the most handsome stud walking out of the Broadway elevators, I turned to get another glimpse and realized that this man of steel is the enemy. One shot to the back didn’t even phase him, but it got the job done.

The tradition of getting shot while eating in public continues, although some reports leave us with more questions than answers:

Time of Death: Monday, March 02 at 04:57 PM

Location of Death: Cafe 212

Summary of Death: “Are you a cop?” Pause. “Yes.” Her food was problematic.

Getting killed is also one of the best reasons to brush up on your American literature (remember, it was a book before it was a movie):

Time of Death: Sunday, March 01 at 06:49 PM

Location of Death: 1st Floor John Jay

Summary of Death: Poor fool was discussing assassins the whole elevator ride down from his floor. The first rule of assassins: never talk about assassins.

Finally, the obligatory gangsta rap report of the week, because the only way to survive on the streets is with a water gun:

Time of Death: Sunday, March 01 at 11:15 PM

Location of Death: between his shoulder blades

Summary of Death: Give the crack to the kids who the hell cares one less hungry mouth on the welfare First ship ’em dope & let ’em deal the brothers give ’em guns step back watch ’em kill each other It’s time to fight back that’s what Huey said 2 shots in the dark now Huey’s dead I got love for my brothers but we can never go nowhere unless we share with each other We gotta start makin’ changes learn to see me as a brother instead of 2 distant strangers and that’s how it’s supposed to be How can the Devil take a brother if he’s close to me? I’d love to go back to when we played as kids but things changed, and that’s the way it is…. ..That’s the sound of my tool you say it ain’t cool my mama didn’t raise no fool And as long as I stay black I gotta stay strapped & I never get to lay back ‘Cause I always got to worry ’bout the pay backs some buck that I roughed up way back comin’ back after all these years rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat that’s the way it is

All the kill reports are available for your reading pleasure at the ESC CUAssassins page. The agent names alone are worth a look.