Etiquette Guide: How Best to Scar Your Prospie

Written by

Hänsel und Gretel

They came, they saw, they clung to their nametags. We’re sure we conquered their hearts and minds with our extremely desirable and hip aloofness, sporadically pleasant weather and immaculate study habits… But really though? More likely you did one of the following things, because you were amused by their fresh-faced naïveté, and took a sick pleasure in crushing it.

General purpose

  • Physically
  • Introduce them to the sketchiest grad student in 1020
  • Sexile them
  • Ask them if they’ve read it in the original language; scoff
  • Neglect to tell them to switch to the 1 from the 2 or 3 at 96th.


  • Tell them about Frontiers / “FroSci”
  • Sign them up for the Earth Institute listserv
  • Wake them and stare into their soul with your blood-shot, Red Bull-fueled 4
    am Butler-eyes
  • Feed them John Jay’s vegan “riblettes”
  • Leave them in Mudd
  • Bombard them with acronyms
  • Pressure them into smoking their first Butler cigarette


  • Hand them a flyer that says “go green: use a diva cup!”
  • Tell them that boys aren’t allowed in the dorms
  • Take them to Lehman instead of Butler
  • Make them steal kosher brownies for you at Hewitt; wait for them to get yelled at
  • Use the phrase “strong, beautiful barnard woman” more than 5 times in an hour
  • Burn your bra in front of them

A cautionary tale via Wikimedia

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  1. Ahahah

    Great post. All so true. Fuck the Earth institute emails!!

  2. Anonymous  

    Absolutely LOVE THIS POST!

  3. Anonymous  

    What about when your prospie projectile vomits?

  4. Anonymous  

    Genius, love love love this post.

  5. Anonymous  

    Have them walk into Shakespeare one minute late.

  6. hannah  

    our library is the barnard library. it happens to be on lehman walk. lehman library is the CU social sciences library.

  7. Anonymous  

    Thank you for the clarification. Stupid Barnard girls stealing the name of one of Columbia's libraries.


  8. Grammar Nazi in every sense of the word  

    Hansel doesn't have an umlaut over the a.

  9. Anon  

    Diva cups are amazing. Seriously.

  10. Funny story

    a prospie sexiled my friend... this prospie dude was gettin it in with a female prospie... and a 3rd prospie (b/c my friend was watching 2 of them) walked in on the action. how's that for a weekend at columbia. NICE

  11. Anonymous  

    Encourage them to use the elevator in any building regardless of which floor they are going to.

    Tell them to check out the amazing study areas on the 1st (not 2nd) floor of butler.

  12. Anonymous  

    What will we do if they have little baby prospies? There's already not enough room for all of us as it is and with prospies who weren't even legitimately admitted to the school but rather born into it they'll have to start housing people in Butler!

  13. Anonymous  

    make them throw up on each other. happened last year.

  14. Anon

    No, It's from Zoolander

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