Hänsel und Gretel

They came, they saw, they clung to their nametags. We’re sure we conquered their hearts and minds with our extremely desirable and hip aloofness, sporadically pleasant weather and immaculate study habits… But really though? More likely you did one of the following things, because you were amused by their fresh-faced naïveté, and took a sick pleasure in crushing it.

General purpose

  • Physically
  • Introduce them to the sketchiest grad student in 1020
  • Sexile them
  • Ask them if they’ve read it in the original language; scoff
  • Neglect to tell them to switch to the 1 from the 2 or 3 at 96th.


  • Tell them about Frontiers / “FroSci”
  • Sign them up for the Earth Institute listserv
  • Wake them and stare into their soul with your blood-shot, Red Bull-fueled 4
    am Butler-eyes
  • Feed them John Jay’s vegan “riblettes”
  • Leave them in Mudd
  • Bombard them with acronyms
  • Pressure them into smoking their first Butler cigarette


  • Hand them a flyer that says “go green: use a diva cup!”
  • Tell them that boys aren’t allowed in the dorms
  • Take them to Lehman instead of Butler
  • Make them steal kosher brownies for you at Hewitt; wait for them to get yelled at
  • Use the phrase “strong, beautiful barnard woman” more than 5 times in an hour
  • Burn your bra in front of them

A cautionary tale via Wikimedia