A too-little, too-late (too-gross) allusion to shock porn? We would never! And we resent the accusation. No, this is just our new sometimes-weekly feature about two very hungry girls (Diana Clarke and Carly Silver) trying to share big mouthfuls of one snack. Barring more euphemisms, we thought it necessary to introduce this feature in light of the dozens of Morningside Heights a-la-carte eateries that all seem to sell similar products. So sit back, dim your computer screen in case your roommate walks in, and enjoy 2Girls1Snack.

When two girls (us) went looking for one snack (a pastry) on a recent afternoon, nearly all the croissants in a fifteen-block stretch were sold out. Oh how we wish that Morningside Heights was placed in the middle of the French countryside, and that Juliette Binoche would come whizzing by on a bicycle in just a moment. But it isn’t, and she won’t. Still, committed to a report-worthy snack experience, we rounded up croissants from three seriously different bakeries around Columbia, then settled into a beam of sunlight to get

down to snacking.

1Snack: clockwise from rear- Westside, Artopolis, Silver Moon

First up was the Westside croissant (marked $1.59, but we 2 girls were only charged $1.33). As soon as we pulled it out of that familiar crinkly bag, the smell of butter was overwhelming, and our fingers went limp with grease just as soon as we touched it. That said, it was perfectly pleasant to eat, if squishy and a little wrinkled. There was little if any flaking, and it reminded us more of regular old bread than anything that would get an artsy close-up shot in a French rom-com. The croissant left a heavy bread-and-butter taste on the tongue, and some palate-cleansing cranberry-grape juice was necessary soon after. This was an adequate, filling snack, but as a croissant, it wasn’t too impressive.

Two Girls’ Rating: One Star

Next we turned to the Artopolis offering ($2.20). Puffy, smooth, and streamlined, it looked far more sophisticated (and also kind of like a baby seal curled in on itself). Flakier than the Westside croissant, this one gave more resistance when bitten but was also lighter on the tongue, with an almost cool, oddly and delightfully refreshing sensation, and crackly, flaky bits that melted in our mouths.

Two Girls’ Rating: Two and a Half Stars

Pleased though we were with Artopolis’ croissant offering, we still felt somewhat unsatisfied; much like Artopolis itself, the perfection of the croissant seemed a little alien, unnatural. Meanwhile, Silver Moon Bakery produces a croissant ($2.10) that is golden and glistening with egg wash. Someone must spend a long time making those, we noted, as we tore into one. Smaller than the others, it looked, smelled, and tasted rich and buttery, and its richness was offset by notes of caramel in the flaky the top. A bite sent shards crackling to the napkin, and left us with moist, dense, delicious mouthfuls.

Two Girls’ Rating: Three Stars