Bwog’s Westside Bureau Chief, Diana Clarke, imagines a dialogue between herself and her new Westside tee.
A recent trip downtown took me to the Westside on Fourteenth Street, where I were startled into new appreciation for the market by seeing it out of context (as it happens, you can only get 3 am grapes at the 110th St Westside). In particular, I noticed the now-ubiquitous I Love Westside Market t-shirts for sale. I’d seen them plenty, but never got around to buying one—has anyone? My mother always said staring was rude, though. So after months of staring, I said hello.
It’s great to finally meet you. How long have you been in the States?
I was sent up from Nicaragua with a bunch of buddies about six months ago, but I didn’t get out and see very much of this country until pretty recently. Turns out we’re not as popular as I’d hoped.
What do you mean? I’d have thought t-shirts were one of those things that never went out of style.
For all the black that people in Manhattan wear, it turns out that downtown, t-shirts are only for bridge and tunnel people—and college students. But c’mon, who doesn’t like to be fucking comfortable? I am 100% cotton, baby.
What about uptown—there’s a Westside right by Columbia, but it seems like nobody there is buying the shirts either!
I don’t get it. You all spend $6 over at Mel’s for a pint of beer, and half an hour later you have to buy another one. With us, you buy one and you’re set for life. But most of you still have undeveloped hippocampi, so I won’t fault you for failing to think long-term.
Fair enough. How’d you get out of there?
That’s what’s funny. The girl who bought me goes to Columbia. She just happened to be downtown, on her way to the subway—there’s a Westside right on 14th Street and Seventh Avenue—and she was going to be out of town all summer. I guess she got nostalgic. She almost left without me, but just as the cashier was about to ring her up she asked for a shirt! All the checkout girls kind of looked at her funny. One asked if she wanted to work there or something—what else would she want me for?
That had to be hard to hear.
They even wrapped me up in a bag, so she wouldn’t have to be seen carrying me. I guess it makes sense, though. Nobody wants to be reminded of their job when they’re just trying to live their life.
So what’s life like on the outside?
It’s been great! We’ve been to to D.C., Nashville, and Jackson. I just wish I weren’t so sweaty all the time.
I know, summer’s the worst! Is it you or her?
And will we be seeing you back in New York any time soon?
Absolutely. I’ve got some big plans. A t-shirt can really go places these days.
@the real question is where can i get that shirt
@Anonymous Maximum trolling.
@Anon Still better than Twilight…
@The only way to make this article complete is with this:
Yeah I’m all about romance, fucking taking out a bitch on a Wednesday night behind Amsterdam after study-night and shoving my rolled up physics notes into her cooter.
You know me, I’m all about going deep, like a fucking dentist. My dad’s a fucking dentist. Dr. Alexander Bergman, MBA, CPA, PhD. Operating on your fucking teeth while playing songs from the Jurassic Park movie soundtrack. You like Titantic? Puts a whole new meaning to sticking my dick in her ROSE-petal.
You know what my fucking problem is though? I got friends. But I got this special type of friend. You heard of him? I call him, Flamingo the Fucking Goy. He’s got this non-jewish attitude. Don’t blame him cause shit, he ain’t fuckin jewish! So what’s the problem you say? Can’t we all just get along?
Listen, I love the guy. Met him in Butler back in ’09. Had a great hair cut, good fashion sense, all that shit. I asked him for a cig, not the designer kinds, the straight shit. He said no way Jose, I don’t smoke. …yeah. Fuck you too, gringo. And he ain’t even Mexican!
So I come to love the fuck. HE’s a good kid ya know? Gets good grades, all that good shit. Then one day I look in his phone. He’s got this chick, she’s always textin’ him and shit. Good for him! Gettin’ pussy and shit. Clearly. But wait, the chick sends him a text that was sexual in nature but asked him if he thought she “was JEWCY.”
The fuck is that shit, gringo? Man, I tell ya. I might’ve been an asshole for peepin his phone when he wasn’t at the table but this motherfucker was doing the work of The PLO! I’m sure the PLO terrorists want to fuck jews all day but here he was, fucking a jew all day.
From that day on, I had a new outlook on life. Went home, stepped on a bunch of ants, then called my fuckin fuck buddy. Told her I wanted to be her boyfriend and shit.
I said, “Little Yoko Tran, I wanna be your boyfriend.”
And she starts screaming about some shit like oh she’s all the way over in fuckin’ Vietnam and I had 2 years left at Columbia and my mother would never approve of a non jewish girl and blah fuckin blah. you ge tthe fuckin idea!
I told the bitch to shut the fuck up and cry a bit because we started somethin. Went on FB and switched my status. We been together ever since. 2 fuckin’ years man. 2 fuckin years.
And my buddy? No idea where the fuck he is. Last time I heard, the goy fuck got engaged to ms. jewcy. Maybe he still is. MAybe not. Who the fuck knows. All I know is that I got a tight ass pussy for the rest of my life.
Columbia Alum, over and out bitches. enjoy the school year.
– Joshua Katzenrosen Bergman (not my real fuckin name)
@Anonymous What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
@you realize this is an imitation of what was a popular counter cultural style of literature… it’s not very original, and the context is random, but I don’t think this guy meant it as a bona fide response to this post
@Anonymous Yes but that’s exactly the reason for the reply- the comment was irrelevant, i didn’t want to read it (TLDR), and the OP is retarded for trying to look smart with it.
@Anonymous I hate to break it to you…
You’ll never be a “gentleman:” you haven’t the birthright or the breeding. You’re little more than a boring parvenu dropping what you think are upper-class cultural references in an attempt to hide your roots and status anxiety.
My guess is that you’ll end up in finance as the butt of jokes in the office and known as the guy who turns bright red and awkwardly hits on women who want nothing to do with him at FiDi bars and the occasional charity event.
Please get over yourself.
@Anonymous repost ▼ ▼ ▼
@Anonymous This made me laugh. Thanks
@Jh This is fucking LAME!
@I'm a dog and what is this?
@Anonymous Dafuq did I just read?
@Anonymous ….Bwog is really slowing down during the summer. So slow that they’ve resorted to downright stupidity.
@wait this is so dumb
@Where r the stats Sent from goldman