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Columbia Ends Sexual Violence By Baking A Cake

If it were only so simple.

Miniature version of the cake: a cupcake.

Bwog reader Chelsea Carrick submitted the following essay to us in what we find to be an incredibly timely response to recent events

New York, NY—Administrators responded to students’ requests for increased transparency and improved policies surrounding sexual violence at Columbia University by baking a cake. The cake, red velvet, was tastefully decorated with fondant roses and writing stating “Sexual Violence Prevention” in elegantly scrawled red cursive letters.

Terry Martinez, Dean of Student Affairs, told students Tuesday upon the presentation of the cake in Ferris Booth Dining Hall, “I think we heard you. I think what this cake is saying is that we heard you. We heard you.”

Students were initially frustrated by the lack of progress being made by administrators, but students and faculty alike seem to think that this cake is a step in the right direction. Carmen Velazquez, a Columbia student, told reporters, “It looks like we can have our cake and eat it, too. I asked for the slice with one of the red roses and my friend asked for the T from the word assault. Not to mention I feel totally safe now.”

We were able to reach President Bollinger for comment while he was out canoodling with the students (as he is known to do) on the steps right outside of his office in Low Library. “I would have made the cake myself if my schedule wasn’t so overburdened. This cake addresses all of the students’ demands. What have they been asking for? Sexual violence prevention. What did we give them? Sexual violence prevention. Written on cake. Excuse me while I go run a quick 5K in the park with some of my undergraduate pals over here.”

A mob of eager young undergraduates trotted after him, sporting “Bollinger’s Fun Run T-Shirts” and carrying plates of red velvet cake. Other students celebrated by making their own miniature versions of the cake, known commonly as cupcakes, modeled after the larger cake in Ferris.

“We didn’t have enough room for ‘sexual violence prevention’ on the cupcakes so we just put the word ‘sex’ on this one. And the word ‘ass’ on this one, which is short for assault. And we put the word ‘sexy’ on this one to remind people how truly hot consent is. Oh see this one is supposed to say ‘consent,’ actually but it just says ‘con.’”

Other students are more skeptical, stating that just because President Bollinger sends out emails and buys cakes doesn’t mean he cares about student safety or well being.

“I mean it would mean something if the cake wasn’t red velvet. How am I supposed to think you’re for transparency when red velvet isn’t even a flavor. It’s a fabric. What does it taste like? Vanilla? Chocolate? Does anybody really know?”

And some just don’t understand why they were dragging their feet in this whole cake-baking process.

“I’m glad they’re finally doing something. But how long does it take to bake a cake? Like twelve minutes?”

When asked why it’s taken so long to finally present a solid conclusion, Dean Valentini, known fondly as Deantini, stated “You try getting a well-crafted cake in this God damn city. Everyone wants cake. We were in line behind Carrie Bradshaw and Batman for Chrissakes. You don’t rush this shit.”

As of press time Columbia has cancelled all plans to incorporate meaningful and long-term consent education and has entirely closed down the Rape Crisis and Anti-Sexual Violence Support Center in favor of more comprehensive culinary tactics.

Cupcake (with shadow) via Shutterstock.

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  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous what the fuck

  • :) says:

    @:) This is funny. Good to have some comic relief!

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous This piece is perhaps the only good thing to come out of the cake reaction.

  • anon says:

    @anon red velvet cake aka food coloring flavored cake

  • Anon says:

    @Anon This is epic. n

  • anon says:

    @anon it seems our admin took the cake scene in Mean Girls too seriously.

    1. Damian says:

      @Damian She doesn’t even go here!

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous I’m going to hell.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous This was A+

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous worthy of the onion

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous seriously, can you guys stop whining about this shit already? every fucking article on this site is rape this, rape that. enough already!!!

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