We know you’ve all thought it. Which dorm your current hookup lives in says a lot about his relative sadboy- or fuckboy-ness. Whether he’s a Carman athlete, a Furnald poet, or a Wein loner, the stereotypes hold true more often than not. After all, what’s a stereotype without a little bit of truth? Read on for our definitive spectrum of Columbia dorms.
EDIT, 3/24/17, 12:55 am: The section on Carman has been changed from discussing specifically Sigma Phi Epsilon boys to instead refer to frat boys in general. This section was not intended to trivialize nonconsensual sex, as Bwog recognizes that this is a very serious issue on college campuses nationwide (including at Columbia). Also, SigEp’s leadership would like to make it clear that they do not condone sexual assault of any kind, and that hard alcohol being served at fraternities is against both their national policy and Columbia policy.
Ranking as the most sadboy dorm at Columbia is Wallach. These boys are so sad, actually, that you may not even know a single goddamn person that even lives in Wallach. You can often find a Wallach sadboy alone in his room, listening to classical music and studying for his Latin exam. A Wallach sadboy only ever ventures outside his dorm to go to class or get dinner at John Jay. You always forget his name even though he’s been in your lit hum for almost a full year, and he’s most definitely a virgin.
Next on the spectrum is Furnald. This boy, while most definitely sad, also has the faintest aura of asshole about him. He’ll invite you over to his dimly lit single, turn on some Bon Iver circa For Emma, Forever Ago, and read you the original poetry he wrote on the plane over from LA. You’ll start to make out and he’ll tenderly request you go down on him, but then he’ll refuse to return the favor and promptly fall asleep. This is the kind of sadboy Tumblr warned you about.
Right in the middle of the spectrum you have John Jay hall. The boys of John Jay are neither sadboy nor fuckboy; they are actually good guys. John Jay is packed full of sweet, funny, kind boys who were nerdy in high school but have since gotten pretty hot. They’re always clean and—better yet—always down for a JJ’s run. John Jay boys can most definitely be sad or fucky from time to time, but for the most party, they’re reliable and easy to get along with. Keep up the good work, gentlemen.
Ah, Ruggles boys. The lowkey fuckboys who try to deny it. If this Ruggles boy is in Fiji, you can guarantee he’s always smoking and always sweaty. If this Ruggles boy isn’t in Fiji… you can still guarantee he’s always smoking and always sweaty. A Ruggles boy will invite you back to his room after a mediocre night at Mel’s only for you to have to face his smelly, shirtless suitemate on your way out the next morning. Oh, and he’s absolutely tried to recreate that infamous Ezra Koenig pic on the Ruggles doorstep numerous times (but he’s never quite gotten it right).
I mean, what did you expect? Of course Carman is home to the most fuckboy of them all. Here lies troves of freshman athletes, from rowing stoners to basketball boys to football jocks. These boys all think that every single girl on campus is in love with them—or, at least wants to sleep with them. However, this could not be further from the truth. Carman fuckboys are notorious for inviting you to their frat mixer, filling you with Everclear punch, and bringing you back to their suite for messy, inexperienced, drunk freshman sex that you’ll most definitely regret the next morning. And, one final word of warning: if you find yourself waking up next to a Carman fuckboy and you’re not a freshman, ABORT. I repeat, ABORT IMMEDIATELY. C’mon, friend. You’re better than that.
Photos on graphic via Columbia Housing.