Deputy News Editor Nicki Camberg, Daily Editor Bannon Beall, and Senior Staff Writer Daniel Ortega-Venni analyzed your favorite characters from childhood and placed them all within the CUCU (the Columbia University Cinematic Universe).
If you’ve ever wondered what kind of Columbia students your childhood icons would be, you’re in luck because we’ve got it all figured out — we just haven’t figured out if this constitutes fanfiction or not.
Charlie Brown: You already know that he’s going to be the original Columbia sadboi. This man never gets invited to any parties but still has a decent amount of friends who he’s terrified of losing. Has tried out for the athletic teams, but not placed on them. Somehow he’s still in the Sports program.
Snoopy: Actually doesn’t go to Columbia, but somehow is at all the parties and can be seen hanging around campus, trying to pick up chicks by the water fountains.
Peppermint Patty: She’s a bold Barnard babe who enjoys being head of the women’s rugby and ultimate frisbee teams.
Alice (of Alice in Wonderland): Barnard girl majoring in philosophy. She often wanders into the grass on campus and just lies down, thinking about her adventures in Wonderland. She’s also in debate, where she enthusiastically argues that lessons should lessen each day, otherwise why are they called lessons?
Edna Mode: Does not go to Columbia. She simply showed up demanding a job. Is the head of some department – we don’t know, she switches every day.
Nancy Drew: Barnard student and ex-sorority girl. She liked the idea of ~sisterhood~ and girl power, but ended up snooping and finding some problematic stuff very quickly. She’s also very into being an Athena scholar.
Hermione Granger: SEAS girl who is also taking the full CC core, and is also somehow in like five clubs. She’s not stressed by any of this and is actually doing amazingly in all of the classes. (shh, don’t tell anyone, but she’s using the time turner).
The Man With The Yellow Hat: Goes to GS, majors in anthropology. He’s known throughout campus for his signature outfit and his consequential legend status is similar to the water bottle man of Low Steps.
Samantha the American Girl Doll: Legacy Barnard student, proud member of Saint A’s. She majors in Art History and moved off-campus immediately after freshman year. She has a lot of friends on the fencing team.
Felicity the American Girl Doll: This queen is the token Barnard hetero of the friend group, and an English major who wears a lot of flowery skirts and dresses and likes to talk about going on picnics but she never really follows through.
Wordgirl: Goes to CC, aggressively invested in Spec where she is head of Copy. She corrects people’s grammar in discussion post responses. When she’s not on the upper levels of Riverside, you can find her in Butler 301, where she leaves all of her possessions for hours on end so that she always has a seat.
Binky Barnes: In the Columbia-Juilliard combined program. He prefers to study in Milstein and most of his friends go to Barnard because his friend Molly goes there and she tells him what to do. He hosts a late-night WBAR show performing smooth jazz with his quartet.
Matilda: Actually a grad student getting 3 degrees at once but Columbia lets her live in the dorms because she’s underaged. She’s single-handedly redesigning the core because she heard about it from her roommate and felt compelled to fix it.
Ramona and Beezus: They both go to Barnard, but Beezus is a poli sci-econ major who wears pantsuits and Ramona snuck a pet frog into the dorms and is always a little stoney baloney in discussion sections.
Arnold (from The Magic School Bus): “Please let this be a normal day at college” – is in that one CC section where everyone attacks each other with their opinions and gets really personal. He’d like to major in something that doesn’t involve leaving his room, but got roped into STEM because Ms. Frizzle won’t let him do anything else.
Wallace and Gromit: Wallace is in GS majoring in Mechanical Engineering, except he’s a hot mess. Every other accident in Pupin is because of him. Gromit can often be seen trying to flee the scene of the crime.
Junie B Jones: She is a big ol’ Barnard lesbian, and we love that for her. Wears corduroy overalls and every time you see her haircut you are jealous
Caillou: A sad lil’ SEAS boy, spends all his time in JJ’s or on the top floor of Butler. Rarely sees the sun. Forgets to call his mom and steals his roommate’s socks.
Sleeping Beauty (Aurora): CC girl who is late to all her classes, even on Zoom. You wonder if she’s getting enough sleep – she is, she just can’t ever achieve perfect alertness. Everyone is shocked when they find out she’s not a stoner. Majoring in Psychology.
Sam (of Totally Spies): She’s the cool GS student in your classes who’s had like a whole life of experiences and will randomly raise her hand and be like “oh yeah when I was a paragliding instructor in Iceland I experienced the melding of time and smells into a singular moment” and it’s really deep and after class is over you call your mom to tell her about it.
Charlie Brown Illustration via Lee Goldenberg