Navigating a time-honored Columbia tradition: getting hit on by Anonymous.

First off, congratulations. You’ve just been tagged in the comment section of a Columbia Confessions post that has anointed you with the honorable title: “crush.” Yes, someone perceives you and probably wants to hold your hand. Or do they? Here are some steps to appropriately react to one of CU’s few ego boosting opportunities:

Step 1: Evaluate for Validity

Does someone really have a crush on you, or is a friend showing platonic love anonymously? Things to watch out for: is it vague? Does it use too many heart eyes or water splash emojis? Did other people in your friend group receive confessions at the same time? After you ask yourself these key questions, take to the group chats. For ego’s sake, it’s better to pretend you’re assuming it’s a joke. 

Step 2: Sherlock Holmes That Shit

You’ve worked your way through iMessage and this is looking more legit by the minute. Don’t get too excited, you still have no idea what you’re getting into here! Look for hints to identify your secret admirer. Some confessions give clues about the class they noticed you in or the library you frequent, keep an eye out for these. 

Step 3: Analyze Creep Factor 

Listen… Just because it might be intended as a compliment does not mean you’re obligated to take it as such. If the confession is overtly sexualizing, gives away too much of your personal information (the dorm you live in, for example), or it simply makes you uncomfortable, that is valid. Don’t feel obligated to react a certain way a secret admirer is brought to your attention. 

Step 4: Shoot Your Shot (?)

Let’s say you recieve this confession and it doesn’t freak you out, it didn’t come from a prankster friend, and you can’t figure out who it is (despite your best efforts). It’s time to leave an encouraging comment and hope for the best. A classic “shoot your shot” will probably do the trick, but you can get more creative. Frankly, the Columbia Confessions Facebook Group is gravely lacking in poetic odes to strangers. Get Shakespearean with it, what do you have to lose? 

Step 5: Bask In The Glory

Regardless of the validity or quality of this confession, I can assure you of one thing: you are hot. You are hot, charming, and intelligent — bask in the glow, baby! I’m happy for you and the fact that you’re getting the hype you deserve, but at the end of the day, you deserve a crush that’s willing to make themselves known. You’re worth it!

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