Um…apparently Minority Leader of the United States Senate Addison Mitchell McConnell III is becoming the new President of Columbia? 

After a short tenure as Columbia President, Minouche Shafik will be stepping down to make way for Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. This news follows Shafik’s unprecedented position as President, being the first woman in the role. McConnell, alternatively, is an 81-year-old Republican white bag of skin. 

Bwog was able to secure an interview with a senior Columbia administrator who wished not to be named. Below is a transcript of a discussion held about reasons for the sudden change. 

Bwog: Thank you for meeting with us. We’re here to talk about the elephant in the room—the turnover from Minouche Shafik to Mitch McConnell as President of Columbia. 

Columbia Administration: Yes, something we take much pride in here. 

Bwog: Firstly, what are the reasons for Minouche Shafik’s departure from Columbia? 

Columbia Administration: Mitch McConnell’s arrival, of course. We had no qualms about Shafik as President. She’s the most capable leader Columbia’s had. However, after lengthy discussion with groups of Columbia admin, prestigious tenured professors, and 18-year-old incels of Columbia Republicans, we’ve decided it’s the right time for turnover. Despite the academic year already starting, we believe now is a better time than ever to bring in a fresh perspective. 

Bwog: Fresh perspective? Isn’t Mitch McConnell 81 years old? 

Columbia Administration: Yes. But McConnell has never run a university, while Shafik was the former Director of the London School of Economics. 

Bwog: Isn’t that good? 

Columbia Administration: For most people, yes. But we’re thinking fresh. We want to be progressive, we want to be changemakers. So that’s why Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell will be our next president. Think Trump’s 2016 campaign—that bitch had never been in politics! Yet he still won. What Columbia needs is someone who has zero experience leading an academic institution, let alone being affiliated with one at all. 

Mitch McConnell is at a turning point in his young life. He’s at a crossroads—leave his almost sixty decades in politics to rot in Kentucky with top-notch end-of-life care, or leave his almost sixty decades in politics to run Columbia University, an extremely stressful and highly-publicized position. He’s made it clear that his time as Senator is coming to a close. So what better than to take on a job just as intensive, if not more? He’s worked hard in his career, stubbornly pushing for radical changes, ranging from a ban on same-sex marriage to a hatred of abortion. At Columbia, we’re all about the radical, world-changing perspectives students bring. So McConnell deserves acknowledgement. 

Bwog: What about Mitch McConnell makes you think he’s what this school needs? As an 81-year-old, what does he have to offer? 

Columbia Administration: Silence. And you see, that’s the main reason why we hired him to begin with. Everyone knows that Columbia has done a lot of shitty things. Lying to U.S. News, threatening to shut down the Red Balloon preschool, skimping out on RA and TA pay. We’re kinda known for it, to be honest. If we haven’t fucked a student over yet, you can be sure we will. So we need someone to shut up about it, to cultivate an atmosphere of denial and repression. McConnell is the man for the job. 

When shit goes down here, the community looks to the Columbia President for a statement. They’re put under immense pressure to diffuse the situation, to handle it with as much tact as possible. So, why not pick a president who’s physically incapable of responding to requests for statements? 

McConnell has impressed us. Recently, when asked to answer questions about the state of this country, he’s gone silent, freezing like a deer in headlights. That’s what Columbia needs—a weak puny little thing that’ll go into fight-flight-freeze when faced with adversity. We have too much faith in Shafik to do an actual good job. McConnell’s 81. Can he do anything right? Absolutely not. Which is perfect. Next time Columbia’s in deep shit (and trust me, there will be many next times), McConnell will be the scapegoat. He’s utterly incapable. He probably can’t even stand up on his own without a system of intricate ropes and pulleys tugging at him like a puppet. 

So, next time Columbia goes on and kills babies or whatever, McConnell will be our guy. First off, he’ll freeze. We won’t ever have to worry about issuing a statement or diffusing a situation again, because we can count on him to choose to be silent about it. Secondly, he’ll be our fall guy for everything. JJ’s machines not working? Blame McConnell. Too hot outside? Blame McConnell. Got screwed over for classes or housing? Blame McConnell. This is a new era of Columbia history. We’re headed places. Students can rest assured that with McConnell as the next president, administration will be more passive than ever. He’s the guy for the job—we’re sure of it. 

Mitch McConnell via Getty Images