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#rushbwog and you can play with this cute dog!!
Rush season can bring out the worst in us, and here we remind you of the University of Maryland Delta Gamma email scandal of 2013. We were recently tipped a similarly shocking email sent from Bwog’s rush chair. You can read it below (and remember to #rushbwog!!!).
If you just opened this email like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you that have your heads under a mattress, which is apparently the majority of this school, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of open forums and general social interactions. I’ve been getting comments on comments about people LITERALLY being so fucking APOLOGETIC and so fucking UNAPOLOGETIC. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself, “But oh em gee [first name redacted and then un-redacted and then un-un-redacted], I’ve been having so much fun writing think-pieces about my unstimulated intellect and subsequent ennui but also about gossip and squirrels and poop nuggets!” then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you in the SGO and do it myself.
I do not give a flying fuck, and Columbia does not give a flying fuck about anything, about how much you fucking love to talk about yourself. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk about yourself, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about salvaging relationships with the administration and Greek life and activists and ourselves, and that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to sit around and talk to Beta and not to the people who’s dicks really deserve to be flayed—CUMB. Newsflash you stupid cocks: COLUMBIA DOESN’T LIKE SUCKY BWOG. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: COLUMBIA IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO READ US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it written out for you on a bathroom wall, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.
This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about writing for Bwog IN FRONT OF SPEC. Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure to send you to Spec.
If you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease with flu-like symptoms and blood-in-stool where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE FOR THIS PUBLICATION. I would rather have 1 editor-in-chief that is fun, talks to boys, and not fucking awkward than 20 that are fucking bitches.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a fuck. Go cunt punt yourself.
-[Last name redacted]
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8 Comments
@That dog IS AN ASSHOLE
@Anonymous Anyone who has ever worn clothes near the dog can attest to that. Stop biting my sleeves, Yaniv! Cut that shit out!
@Hingle McCringleberry That’s why I never wear clothes around him ;)
@Anonymous Okay, I see what you’re doing there.
But you’ve got to remember, you’re parodying something that was on the internet. From Gawker. From _two years ago_.
Two years is about a geologic era in internet meme-time. Mayflies live longer than most memes. Goldfish look at the Gawkersphere and are like “Dude, you forgot that _already_?”
@I swear this is the last time I read bwog
@24 things that could've been done in the time it took to write this article 1. Dust around your room
2. Change out your welcome mat
3. Make your bed
4. Clean off your counters
5. De-clutter your desk
7. Trim your eyebrow hair
8. Fold everything in your room
9. Hang everything in your coat closet neatly
10. Replace a light bulb
11. Clean your toilet
11. Drop off your prescription for Valtrex
12. Drop off your prescription for Xanax
12. Turn your lights on and off and pretend there’s a ghost
13. Hunt down the goblin who poisoned the blacksmith
14. Roll 4-5 joints
15. Put fresh towels inside your underpants
16. Pick up that bottle of pee you keep behind your desk
17. Wipe off your sister’s dildo before you give it back to your aunt
18. Drill a hole into the earth so deep you see through into darkness
19. Eat someone’s pussy and fry them an egg
20. Print out a bunch of pictures of snakes
21. Finally email your professor about going out on that date
22. Hang a string of Christmas lights along your wall, pointlessly
23. Try to come up with a reason why human existence even matters
24. Shake out your rugs
@That puppy Is probably a really good boy.
@Important follow-up questions Who’s a good boy? Who’s a gooood boyyy?