#college walk
College Walk Archetypes: High School Tour Groups

It’s midterm time so Bwog is continuing one of our favorite types of series: archetypes, specifically College Walk Archetypes. We all recognize certain people/groups of people as we sprint from Ferris to Havemeyer in the morning. Mind you, our idea of “College Walk” is really anything from Butler to Low, so be prepared for some real nut jobs interesting individuals. First up, we have the beloved and naive ‘High School Tour Groups’ as narrated by a reminiscent Tatini Mal-Sarkar with illustration by Taylor Grasdalen.


It’s a pleasantly brisk day and you’re comfortably strolling to class, and for once you’ve actually left a semi-decent margin for a leisurely ramble instead of the usual manic power walk/strut. It’s starting to get nice outside again. This morning you even got an iced latte instead of the regular black coffee. Something about this weather just makes you go crazy.

But all of a sudden, a horde of Hunter-wearing, “casual” blazer-adorned young’uns descend into your path, much like a swarm of determined, go-getter, type-A insects, or Odysseus’s man falling into Circe’s way. There are pamphlets (fancy) and, it seems, embossed folders. What fresh hell is this? Very, very young B-schoolers? B-schoolers and their children? PrezBo’s family?

Then it strikes you: prospies! The high school tour groups have arrived. Just as the realization hits you, one of them pipes up, “OMG, so like thirteen AP’s should be fine, right? My friend Johnny was telling me that Sarah told him that according to Rebecca, as long as you’re doing about seven clubs and two sports (varsity level, obviously), you’ll be fine. Is that actually, like, a thing?”

You, interested and at this point already late for intro psych, perk up your ears. The tour guide, disgruntled and either hungover, exhausted, or merely confused, tries to rally. “Uh… I… um… now to your left, you’ll see Lerner, the big glass building that’s totally convenient and not even slightly bizarrely constructed and slippery in winter.” He’s got a way with words, this one. You’ll have to ask him for life advice if you ever run into him again.

Satisfying answer given, the poor guy probably thinks he’s done for the day, but just like Miley, the group can’t be tamed.

“What did you say your SAT score was?” a well-highlighted, pearl-adorned, Lululemon-wearing WASP mother asks. Her kid cringes but is too busy taking selfies with Dodge to actually do anything. Wait. Is that Axe you smell? Good god. The kid’s genuinely not even in high school yet. He looks nine. This can’t be happening.

The tour guide opens his mouth, but much to his chagrin nothing comes out. He gapes for a couple moments, chokes out a terrified “2390,” and turns around to avoid the inevitable looks of disappointment and murmurs of “dammit honey, we got a dud.”

Though ordinarily you’d love to stick around and watch this disaster unfold, today you have to go. You shake your head and try to skitter around the three-inch margin the group’s left on the walkway. Some people. You don’t know what’s wrong with these kids. It’s not like you were ever like that.

College Walk Archetypes: Chain-Smoking Intellectual

Remember the glory of Butler Archetypes? We missed them on Bwog so we’re bringing them back with an eye for College Walk (and being incredibly liberal in our definition of “College Walk” such that it basically constitutes anything between Butler and Low). First up, we asked Features Editor Alexander Pines to give us the chain-smoking intellectual (because he’s taking U.S. Intellectual History so #expert), with illustrative help by Leila Mgaloblishvili.

chainsmokerIt’s cold, it’s grey, you’re a little terrified of sliding halfway across campus on your face courtesy of the aesthetics-at-the-expense-of-walkability granite and brick surface covering most of our cosy Ivy Bubble, and all of a sudden you can’t see a thing.

Don’t worry, it’s just a chain-smoking intellectual.

Who is this character, you ask?

Tree Lights Going Up On College Walk

If you’re returning to campus after a fall break filled with family, hometown friends, and studying lazing around in bed, you’ll notice that Facilities has started to install lights on the College Walk trees. Stay tuned for an announcement for the tree-lighting ceremony in a week or so.

hallelujah glory on high

The lights are actually lit before the ceremony to test them. Shh, don’t tell anyone.

Deantini’s Brain-Buster

During the tree-lighting ceremony last Thursday on College Walk, our darn-diddley Dean added to the College’s finals-burden by announcing a little extra-curricular pop quiz. Though the quiz is merely a pesky distraction for our more SEAS-minded peers, Bwog is skittish (and uncomfortably reminded of consulting interviews). The Dean, however, says it’s something technical yet accessible.

The Dean’s Office wants submissions by December 14th, which you can leave in the comments of this post. The winner, or winners, get a free lunch with the dean.

The quiz:

How would you count the number of lights on the trees lining College Walk? Suggest a method for estimating them (not an estimate) that does NOT involve actually counting the lights.

imposter Dean via screencrave

Commotion on College Walk

College walk has been taken over by Israeli and Palestinian supporters.

The Israeli group is standing on the Butler side, wielding Israeli flags and signs.

The Palestinian side is standing in front of Low, holding up flags, signs, and yelling names of civilian casualties.

Both groups are standing their ground and handing out flyers. The commotion has caught the attention of many tourists who are standing between the groups and taking pictures.

College Talks: The Presidential Election

In Bwog’s super high-tech new feature College Talks, we find out what your classmates/randos frolicking on Low Steps have to say about stuff. Check out our inaugural installment below:

Send suggestions of questions you’d like to see us ask to video@bwog.com.

On College Walk: Outreach, Rain

If you’re wondering why you woke up today to Beyonce and LMFAO, it’s ’cause CCO was getting ready to fix New York City. They’re at it now!

Even rain cannot dampen the powerful thumping of Nicki Minaj

The Trucks Stop Here

The trucks may stop here, but the buck stops with this guy

For the second day in a row, famed NYC food trucks will continue their occupation of College Walk, courtesy of Columbia Cheatsheet and Bacchanal. Today’s on-the-go menu will feature drool-worthy offerings from the GO Burger Truck and the Treats Truck (we hear their Mexican chocolate is pretty delicious). They’ll be stationed there from 12 to 4 pm, so scurry on over and indulge in some gourmet goodness. You deserve it!

Prez 33.0 via Wikimedia Commons

Is Your JJ Single Looking Sparse?

And you just don’t have that creative spark to turn nothing into something? No biggie. Stop by the flea market currently taking place on Low Steps. It looks like they have a variety of cheesy dorm room posters and small potted plants. There are even two food trucks for your lunching pleasure.

For everyone else, watch out: there is a forest of tents filled with people trying to sell overpriced goods on Low Steps. Adjust your commute accordingly.

Maybe buy a few presents for family back home—you can always say you got them in Brooklyn.

Arrest on Campus

An unidentified person was arrested minutes ago on College Walk. According to a tipster, the cab on the right is actually an undercover cop car (just like the movies!), and another tipster informed us that the person arrested was a man wearing a backpack shouting, “What did I do?” Apparently around a dozen cops surrounded him in an “intense” arrest.

We will update as we have more information.

Incident on College Walk

At around 11:45pm tonight, we received word of an incident on College Walk near the 116th St. gates. Tipsters informed us of a man screaming and being arrested by NYPD with Public Safety on the scene. NYPD told us the person of interest was “emotionally disturbed.” Public Safety had no comment but said they were “currently investigating” the situation. Photos are below, we will update with details as we hear more.

Update (Sunday 9:15): We still haven’t heard back from Public Safety, but DNAinfo reports the following:

The attack happened during a fight between about 20 people at 116th Street and Broadway, police said …

The victim was heard yelling, “Get him off me!” as the attack took place. It took four university security guards to wrestle him to the ground. They held him until police arrived.

DNAinfo were not able to reach Public Safety either. We’re hoping to speak to someone tomorrow morning.
In Lieu of the Lights

The lights were removed from College Walk, which is kind of exciting! Here’s why: Columbia doesn’t feel the need to distract us from terrible weather with pretty non-denominational holiday decorations for the rest of the semester. So, maybe the weather won’t be terrible from here on out. Q.E.D. See the newly bare trees below:

Photo credit: JD

Photo credit: JZ

Alleged Attempted Robbery Results in Arrests

Last night, Bwog received a tip that there appeared to be some people who were arrested on College Walk. Spec now reports that two children attempted to rob a 19-year-old student outside Butler a little after 8:30 p.m., and these children were then arrested by NYPD.

When asked for a statement last night, Public Safety informed Bwog that there was “activity on College Walk, but we have no comment on the situation.”

Stay tuned for updates. If you have any pertinent information, please let us know at tips@bwog.com.

While You Were Out: It Snowed

Crazy snow of apocalyptic proportions (“thundersnow“?) hit New York yesterday. Assuming your family is already getting on your nerves, here are a few glimpses of Columbiana to help you forget the hell of finals and idealize school again. Bwog woke to the sound of sleds scraping along the sidewalk. Hot cocoa in hand, we’re heading to the Hill.

Night photo by Patrick Stahl, others by DH

As Smelled on College Walk…

UPDATED (12:45):

  • Chicken and Rice is coming to College Walk this evening, courtesy of CU-GEAS. Order here by noon for a 9$ platter to be served next to tonight’s Chewbacchanal event.
  • From 11am to 6pm, Students for  Sensible Drug Policy and the Columbia Iranian Students Association are hosting a joint bake sale featuring brownies and Persian music, plus free hookah with any purchase.
  • DG is also hosting a bake-sale on college walk until 5, featuring a variety of decorated baked goods, should any munchies remain.
  • Next to their stand, LionPAC is handing out free cake in honor of Israel’s birthday
  • Along Hamilton lawn in front of Wallach a long line of take out stands has a wide array of foods including vegetarian, asian and BBQ options, costing $5 for any three items.