Juggle JJ’s Jungle Juice jugs jeering jubilated jests!
Have you ever walked into JJ’s and thought to yourself: Wow, there are so many options here! If only I could try them all. If only I could try them all…at once? I know I have. Well, Bwog has collaborated with Columbia Dining to bring you a new seasonal drink: JJ’s signature Jungle Juice.
- Mango smoothie
- Cherry/pineapple dole whip swirl
- Hot black coffee
- Orange juice
- Apple juice
- Iced coffee
- Iced tea
- Skim milk
- Orange Ginger Ale
- Grape Powerade
- Peach Fanta Zero
- Enter JJ’s with a deep sense of looming regret and unoriginated emptiness.
- Find a cup.
- Make your way to the ice cream and milkshake machines. They will be empty. That is okay. That is necessary.
- Try to pour a splash of mango smoothie. The mango smoothie must instead fill up the cup halfway.
- Get a ping-pong-ball-sized dollop of cherry/pineapple dole whip swirl.
- Immediately pour hot coffee on the soft serve to melt it. The soft serve will not budge.
- Add small amounts of the rest of the ingredients. Make eye contact with everybody you pass.
- Stir with the bottom of a spoon.
- Garnish with salt.
This signature drink has quite the unique taste. The diverse appearance of the drink inspires creativity. Why are the colors changing unprovoked? Why is it bubbling? It forms striated, coagulated layers that burst into sand-like particles when you stir. When did solids form? Why is it caving in?
I took a sip. How can something taste so much like coffee and orange Fanta at the same time, yet have the consistency of a milkshake? I felt like Remy in the food tasting scene of Ratatouille except instead of enjoying the drink, I contemplated whether or not my eleventh grade psychological testing was completely inclusive or not. I’m afraid I’ve come to the realization that I am in fact Benjamin Button, due to the indisputable evidence that I have regressed into a twelve-year-old boy. There is no other conclusion than this.
I’m afraid, my dear friends, that my illness has become contagious. My comrades, my brothers-in-arms, my old chaps…I’ve hurt them. I was weak. I’ve succumbed to my mortal hubris. I…let them try the drink. Unfortunately, one has lived to tell the tale.
“My sister and I, we were at my grandmother’s house, and there was a drawer in a cabinet and inside that drawer was a candle called Victorian Christmas. And somehow that candle had turned into some sort of jelly. I’m not quite sure if it was originally a jelly or if it turned into that but it was a jelly. So whenever my sister and I got bored we would dip our fingers into this Victorian Christmas candle jelly and threaten to wipe it on each other. And that drink tastes the way that that Victorian Christmas candle jelly smelled.” -Grace
Let us have a moment of silence for Grace. Her soul is gone, leaving nothing but the shell of a Barnard student infested by the twisted culinary desires of a twelve-year-old boy. May her loved ones find peace.
By the Grace of God, His Heavenly Monarch, one of my dear companions was spared. Her wisdom outlasts any mortal soul. Claire, dear, dear Claire…has been saved. Lashing out against the depths of my fiery soul, Claire exclaimed five extraordinarily potent words: “I would rather be shot.” And then, somehow, six more: “That is not a homogenous mixture.”
How eloquent! How formidable! Claire’s steadfast refusal to be benjamin-buttoned had saved us all. We looked at the drink. Suddenly, it was no longer appetizing. We let our straws sink into the murky, enigmatic depths of the jungle juice. It had worked. This exorcism, this unbenjaminbuttonment, released the twelve-year-old boys holding us captive. But, my friends, do not be soothed. You must not let this fear go. These demons can take hold of you at any moment. Lest you walk into JJ’s, you are safe. But the moment you set foot in that place, the Devil’s cellar, the staircase of Hades, your flesh will bend at the will of the JJ’s Jungle Juice.
JJ’s Jungle Juice via Bwog Staff