Written by Zack Abrams
February 17, 20185:15 pm 0 Comments
The Dastardly Dabber himself.
Paul Ryan recently tweeted (‘n’ deleted) about a whopping $1.50-a-week raise for a high school secretary as a result of the tax bill. In anticipation of the money raining from the sky, I decided to treat myself to a $1.50 shopping spree around MoHi. Here’s how it went.
With a light heart and a heavy wallet, I set out from the Columbia gates with my mind on my $1.50 and my $1.50 on my mind. However, my stomach was empty, so I decided to head to Community for some gourmet food. Except, I took a look at the menu. Forget food, the $1.50 wasn’t even enough for some fresh juice. I would need to wait three weeks to afford a single glass of orange juice, without tip. Ah well, brunch is for people on TV anyway.
Every restaurant I checked was way too expensive for my budget, so I walked south until I hit Panda Express. The average meal would take me ten weeks to save up for, about the same as Chipotle, so that idea died quick. Even Koronet’s and Famiglia were a no-go; I couldn’t even get garlic knots with my $1.50.
At this point, I was feeling really drained, but then I remembered that Walgreens is expecting $200 million dollars in savings from the Republican tax bill this year! Though they haven’t announced any plans to share the savings with its employees, I knew that the wealth would eventually trickle down, so I laid down in the fifth aisle and waited for the sweet, sweet crumbs dribbling from the corners of executives mouths as they feast.
Six hours later, I checked my wallet and I still had the same $1.50. Oh well, I’m sure they’ll get around to trickling down soon anyway. My last stop of the day was Ivy League stationers. After using my student discount and spending a few hours finding loose coins on the sidewalk, I was able to walk away with a shiny new pen. It’s not a ballpoint, but it’s still… functional. It’ll work perfectly when I go to the polls in November.
Tags: no tea no shade, register to vote today, trump loves trickle down... but not the economics, venmo me 1.50 if you liked this
February 09, 20181:30 am 3 Comments
He would probably stop eating Deantini. He also would fit in his Audi.
PrezBo via Bwog Archives
Tags: dinosaur, lnb, prezbo, roar XD
January 31, 20182:51 pm 5 Comments
PrezBo never knew what hit him.
Deputy Editor and frequent FiveThirtyEight reader Zack Abrams has created a site so HTML-heavy that he had to throw the whole Bwog away and host it somewhere else. Go here for the full experience or scroll down for an overview of the site. Note: use Google Chrome to see the preview, but the site itself works on any browser.
Tags: do you know how long it takes to animate a scatterplot when you dont know any html, i was up until 6am on friday working on this, respect my blood sweat and css, this took me so long, well DO YOU
January 31, 20189:37 am 0 Comments
The face you make when you hear about the Bruno sweep.
Happening in the World: Cape Town is about to run out of water. ‘Zero-day,’ the day the taps turn off, is April 16th after drought and overuse have drained the city of its water supply, and citizens have little hope of a way out. (NPR)
Happening in the US: Trump gave his State of the Union address and managed to stay on script the entire time, prompting the usual descriptors of “presidential” and “finally making a change.” (NYT)
Happening in NYC: Mayor De Blasio was prevented from attending the Grammy’s due to “ethics rules,” probably because he would’ve had a duty to report the robbery of awards from Lorde and SZA. (New York Post)
Happening on Campus: Columbia, in an email sent out to the student body today, declined to bargain with Columbia graduate student unions, prompting a strong reaction from the unions, which are planning a protest this Thursday.
Bop of the Day:
Tags: how do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? ask them to pronounce 'unionized', i know my grammy takes are late, jay z was also robbed but beyonce forgave him so how much luck can he have left, kendrick was also robbed, sza and lorde were robbed, unions; get it
January 22, 20182:35 pm 0 Comments
Pianist Simone Dinnerstein returned to the Miller Theatre for a performance of works by Franz Schubert and Philip Glass
Deputy Editor and live music aficionado Zack Abrams attended the Miller Theatre last Thursday for the show ‘Glass + Schubert,’ a solo recital by pianist Simone Dinnerstein who performed music by Franz Schubert and Philip Glass.
After an enjoyable experience at the Miller Theatre last semester, I was once again excited to see Simone Dinnerstein perform classical works by Philip Glass, this time accompanied by works by Franz Schubert as well. The single performer made for a less dynamic performance than last time, but there was still much to be appreciated in the nuance of the pieces, which meshed together far more interestingly than the works of Bach and Glass at the first show.
The stage was set to amplify the presence of the single grand piano; a row of fake candles lined the edge of the stage, flickering in their electronic regularity. Soon after I sat down, the lights dimmed and Dinnerstein entered wearing flowing red silk over a sequined dress. Her dramatic solitude, as there was no sheet music and therefore no need for a page-turner, enhanced the melancholy tone of many of the pieces.
Click here to hear about the music!
Tags: back at it again with the music analysis, classical music, miller theatre, pitchfork @ me please, simone dinnerstein
January 16, 20184:25 pm 5 Comments
Mmm whatcha say
If you’ve been living under a rock (or inside a concrete bunker) for the last few days, you may not have heard about the fake missile threat that was accidentally activated in Hawaii, prompting a notification on everyone’s phone. That got me thinking about how I would have no idea what to do in that scenario if I was on campus. Here’s what I came up with:
Burn your LitHum books on Low Beach
In the last few minutes of existence as a body and not as a dust of microscopic particles, it’s always best to give in to the most animalistic of human urges. A good ol’ fashioned book burning is always fun, so show the cisheteronormative patriarchal core how you really feel about its bullshit. Leave Sappho out of it, though.
Get lit with your professor in office hours
Societal structure always breaks down in apocalyptic scenarios; therefore, there’s nothing stopping you from partying away your last few minutes with your favorite professor or your favorite TA. Choose your playlist wisely, you don’t want to spend your last time on earth listening to Ed Sheeran.
Actually find shelter, if you want to fight off radioactive zombies
Look, I just don’t have the work ethic to survive in a post-apocalyptic environment; some days I’m too lazy to literally take an elevator downstairs and eat food that’s just waiting out on a table. But, if you think you have a shot, maybe try prying open some of the doors to the hidden tunnels or figuring out how to get to the Manhattan Project levels beneath Pupin. Athletes, beautiful people, Walking Dead fans: I suggest this option.
Binge-watch Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix at 863x speeds
There’s 301 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, with each being around 43 minutes long. Therefore, in order to watch them all in 15 minutes, you’d have to speed each of them up to 863 times their normal speed. So experience love, loss, grief, and… doctor stuff, I guess, in the time you have left. (Author’s note: I have never seen an episode of Grey’s Anatomy)
Grab the nearest person and head to the Butler stacks
You gotta. Enough said.
Tags: hope you read bwog's enticing live-tweet of the apocalypse, ill probably be on twitter shitposting while the world ends, nuclear annihilation is prime shitposting material
January 16, 20181:39 pm 0 Comments
Now that’s one hot TA.
In the beginning, there was class. Out of the chaos, professors materialized and said ridiculous things in order to keep your attention. Like the Greek myths of old, a professor’s opening lecture is meant to enthrall you and make you believe in something larger than yourself. However, unlike those Greek myths, these opening remarks were probably contemplated over a Panda Express tray rather than delicately crafted through centuries of oral tradition.
Bwog wants to know all the delightfully weird remarks that professors throw out during syllabus week, from red flags to random anecdotes. Send them in to email@example.com, or carve them into the would-be marble of the comments section below.
Tags: are interesting professors the greatest myth of all?, opening remarks, the only time where ill be looking forward to reading bwog comments
January 16, 20189:52 am 1 Comments
It’s the spring semester! Remember this image when your ears are frozen and you’re praying for sun.
Happening Around The World: Danish inventor Peter Madsen has been charged with the murder of Kim Wall, a journalist and Columbia Journalism School alumnus. (CNN)
Happening In The US: Two of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s children spoke out against President Trump, who has claimed to be “the least racist person you have ever interviewed.” (New York Times)
Happening In NYC: If you’ve been craving the taste of forearm-salt, you’re in luck because beloved Internet meme Salt Bae, real name Nusret Gokce, has opened a steakhouse in NYC. (NBC)
Happening At Columbia: Good luck to everyone on their first day of spring semester classes today!
Bop of the Day:
Tags: add my snap lens from buy/sell, bwoglines, I need a break from my break, I'm still trying to thaw from freezing over this break
December 20, 20175:24 pm 3 Comments
Pictured: The Perfect Specimen (See? Jenny isn’t the only Shitty Photoshopper on Bwog!)
I’ve been through a lot with my laptop: endless Netflix binges and college applications, unfortunate spills and learning new skills. The laptop is the extension of the self, and your choice in decoration says more about you than your search history. Here’s what your laptop stickers say about you.
If your laptop isn’t decorated at all, it can mean a few things. Maybe you’re waiting to settle down with the right sticker. Maybe you’re just a fan of brutalism (hopefully not). Maybe you just see a laptop as a cold, austere machine not deserving of human love. In any case, you probably need to spend less time on schoolwork and get out more. The world is waiting for you to paint it with your own colors, just as your laptop is waiting for you to decorate it. Also, this isn’t your laptop. You took the wrong one when you left Butler at 4 am last night.
Stickers From Startups/Corporations
What up, my blockchain! It’s been so long since I’ve gotten to synergy with you. Free markets. Anyway, if you’ve got a lot of Y-Combinastic stickers on your laptop, it probably means you’re a tech- or business-oriented youngster waiting to take out your Tesla and take on the world. The humanities are garbage. VC you on the flippity-flop!
Body-Wide Cover, Especially The Ones With A Marble Or Wood Texture
Ugh, sorry you had to read that STEM part. As a distinguished scholar of the humanities, you balk at the idea of gaudy decorations like the ones on Achilleus’s shield and instead go for a more refined, yet unique look, the kind that makes other people say “I’ll have a Venti Macchiato, please.” Keep working on your novel!
Body-Wide Cover With Stickers Underneath
Barista in the streets, freak in the sheets.
Because it’s not enough that you mention [Hillary Clinton/Bernie Sanders/Donald Trump/Your Local Congressperson Or State Representative] to your friends both online and off every five seconds during election season, you deserve to immortalize your devotion and broadcast it to the world. You didn’t phonebank as much as you could’ve, but I’m sure the $5 from that sticker purchase went much further in the hands of those Russian agents. Every vote counts!
Woah, you watch The Office too? It’s like my favorite show! Prison Mike, am I right? Haha. Just a Jim looking for my Pam. Central Perk! I’m such an April but I wish I was a Leslie when it came to schoolwork! This choice of decoration is legen…wait for it… dary! These are all substitutes for a personality! Save me! Please save me! Note: We do not want to read your fanfic.
Fuck Spec Sticker
You are the epitome of desirability. You downloaded Tinder once but your phone literally overheated from the number of matches rolling in. You never have to search for a seat in Butler, people nearly trip over themselves giving you prime real estate. Whenever you walk by the farmers’ market on Broadway, free samples are literally hurled at your head. Does it take a lot of effort being that effortlessly perfect?
Tags: fuck spec, if i saw this laptop on tinder id super like before you even knew it, if youve seen my laptop you already know a lot about me, looks totally real, take that jenny
December 15, 20179:07 pm 1 Comments
I guess these turtles are getting all the way down.
Ah, 2017. It’s been an amazing twelve years since the start of 2016, so to celebrate this impossibly long year, we at Bwog decided to give out awards every Friday until the new year. Our first installment, which you should totally check out, was the Top Ten Best Worst Comments. This time, we’re taking a look back at the best titles for the best daily post everyone loves to ignore, Bwoglines!
Is Bobsled Short For Robertsled Edition
There Is No Essence, Just A Bunch Of Turtles Edition
Trump Fiddled While New York Burned Edition
Hey Man, Rush Beta Edition
Our Brains Are Fried But We’re Happy To Be Here Edition
Taxes, Easter, And Homosexual Tendencies Edition
Everything Is Shit, But We Know That Already Edition
Comme Des Hell Down Edition
Power, Pantsuits And Puerto Rico Edition
Let’s Just Make It To The End Edition
Tags: about to go see the last jedi, bwog top ten, comme des hell down is an unproblematic fave, does anyone actually read bwoglines, the goat
December 15, 20175:14 pm 2 Comments
Let us know which album defined your semester in the comments!
The Bwog Staff discusses the albums that defined their semester. For some of us, it was our first semester on campus adjusting to the frantic pace of city life. For others, they were celebrating some of their last time on campus. We hope you enjoy our selections.
Lorde’s Melodrama. Do I even need to explain??? Pure pop perfection. Lorde has this magical quality that makes the album colorful, witty, and youthful at the same time.
Broods, Conscious. I saw them at the meadows this year and I really liked their set. I listened to them more as semester continued. They’re really good for a chill night in your dorm, or if you’re wanting to feel a lot of emotions.
More albums after the jump!
Tags: all of these are such great choices *cough* except reputation *cough*, im basically a seas student, look at all those embeds, melodrama obviously the right answer, the goat
December 15, 201710:10 am 0 Comments
Wheee large corporate mergers can be fun!
Bwogline: With all the drama of the vote to repeal net neutrality protections yesterday, you may have missed the news that Disney bought most of 21st Century Fox for a cool $52.4 billion in stock. Hopefully, antitrust regulators aren’t distracted by the fact that Anastasia is now a Disney Princess and stop the deal that many see as Hollywood becoming too much under the control of a few giants.
Study Tip: If you’re having trouble concentrating for long periods at a time, I’m a fan of this chrome extension which uses the Pomodoro technique of scheduling short breaks and long breaks to maximize your productivity.
Procrastination Tip: If you’re a fan of flash games and absurdist humor, try out Frog Fractions. If you need a hint on how to progress, swim down. Enjoy!
Just like wet concrete, only colder and more ephemeral.
Tags: check out our orgo night review coming later today, don't wanna fall in love off of subtweets, i should be studying but im doing this so yall better appreciate me, send nudes? really? that the best you got?
December 13, 20175:35 pm 0 Comments
Rare photo of Carman residents on their way to Butler, 2017 (colorized).
It’s finals week, which means four things: Eat, Sleep, Study, Repeat. However, there are a few key ways to free up time during your few moments of leisure and/or personal hygiene. Here are our top ideas.
1. Use bathroom hand dryers to dry your hair.
Hey, no shame. While the precise angle can be tough to nail (trust me, I know from personal experience,) those precious few seconds that the high-intensity blasts of air buy you can make the difference between remembering that crucial formula or flunking completely.
2. Why watch Khan Academy or listen to a podcast instead of studying… when you can do all three?
Knowledge is power. Therefore, three times as much knowledge at once equals three times as much power! Maximize your studying potential by utilizing different modes of studying, such as watching videos on Orgo while listening to an audiobook of The Aeneid and reading about high-order differential equations! For a fun challenge, do all three while on the treadmill at Butler. That’ll get those brain cells sweating!
3. Rappel down the side of your dorm.
I live in John Jay. The elevators are fine… unless it’s the one time you need them. Save time instead of waiting for the elevators or rushing down the staircase: just whip out the Columbia Housing carabiners and high-tensile rope that they handed out during Welcome Week and shimmy down the side of your dorm. That Latin vocabulary isn’t going to study itself!
4. Smuggle your textbook into a different final.
Look, I know you want to maximize your time during your calc final checking your sequences for convergence, but that doesn’t mean that you should take time off of studying the effects of quantitative easing for Intermediate Macro! A good tip is to wear enough coats so that the added bulk of your Econ textbook is hidden beneath the folds and study while taking the math final! You have no time to waste!
5. Disrupt the fabric of time and space itself.
You can do it, as long as you went to every single FroSci lecture.
Tags: bust out the carabiners, bwog retains no responsibility if these actions are followed, reader discretion is advised, someone repost this on buy sell memes
December 08, 20177:37 pm 1 Comments
Ah, 2017. It’s been an amazing twelve years since the start of 2016, so to celebrate this impossibly long year, we at Bwog decided to give out awards every Friday until the new year. Our first installment: Top Ten Best Worst Comments. These are the comments which were the actual worst, but never failed to make us smile. Ranking these would be as useless as these comments, so just enjoy the gallery.
Tags: our commenters love us too i hope, top 10 2k17, we love our commenters, why is there so much shit-related content, wwwait don't answer that question
December 08, 20179:55 am 0 Comments
California is literally on fire but it doesn’t matter because we’re all about to be overrun by drunk Santas.
Happening Around The World: Same-sex marriage has been officially legalized in Australia! The online registry form also includes an ‘x’ option for gender, for “indeterminate, intersex or unspecified.” (NY Daily News)
Happening In The US: Minnesota Senator Al Franken announced in a speech on the Senate floor that he would be retiring after allegations of groping and improper advances. He took parting shots at Roy Moore and Donald Trump, both of whom have the near-complete backing of their party despite worse allegations. (NYT)
Happening In NYC: If you at all have the option of taking refuge outside Manhattan, preferably in a local bomb shelter, you should because this Saturday is SantaCon. Herds of drunken Santas will be roaming the bars and streets of the city in a nightmare which I’m sure Stephen King thought up, but decided against writing about because it’d be too scary. (Curbed)
Happening At Columbia: Orchesis is presenting their show, “Love is an Open DoORCHESIS” tonight in Roone Auditorium at 8:30 and 10:30. Check out our reviews of prior Orchesis events here, and we hope to see you there.
Tags: bitches is a lowkey highkey banger, good on franken for stepping down. now time for moore and trump to do the same, i guess frozen is still relevant with the coco short, i hate santacon, i told my roommate about santacon and now he wants to go, jesus what have i done
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