The life of a second-semester senior is usually pretty relaxed—we’re nearing the time of year when you realize that you’ve wrapped up your major requirements and now are pursuing a concentration in 1020. But alas, these hazy, lazy days will soon come to an end, and there’s no better wake up call than an alarming email from the straight-outta-the-nineties-named Student Affairs Graduation Zone with the all-caps title “ARE YOU PLANNING TO GRADUATE THIS MAY? If so read this!” Yep, they realize that after seven semesters here you only read about 4% of your emails anymore. But there is useful information to be had here, and in order to prevent you from having that awkward conversation with your folks about how you forgot to actually “Apply for the Degree” and can’t leave, we’ve pasted the email below. Hey, it may be useful, and then you can get back to your daydrinking.

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Happy 257th academic year Columbia!

Thanks to YouTube, you can now watch the whole darn thing! Or at least the highlights. Click for the faculty procession, student procession, and PrezBo’s address.

Photography by Hans Hyttinen

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It was breezy, chilly, and wet, but this Monday, the General Studies Class of 2011 diligently filed into the large tents on South Lawn to finally graduate. Dean Peter Awn received a warm welcome and gave the prototypical opening about what it means to be a GS student, followed by remarks from PrezBo, who could scarcely get out the words “Peter Awn” before the crowd burst into applause again for the much-beloved dean. After these speeches came the Class Day speaker, Roger Leeds, GS ’66, who seemed to take the mic just as the elements outside were picking up. At one point during his speech on his experiences with GS (his mother’s disbelief on his attendance) and his life after (his own disbelief at an offer to join Johns Hopkins), a sudden torrential downpour caused him to stop speaking entirely, since no one could hear him. He went on wondering what this meant for the futures of the Class of 2011, but hoped it was a good sign.

Next to speak was the salutatorian, Elliot Shackelford, who praised the diversity of the GS student body and just couldn’t seem to stop smiling. He shared anecdotes about his time at GS and his days as a young pianist: although once he needed to sit on telephone books to reach the keys, through maturation he lost the need (aw)—GS students go through a similar process. The valedictorian this year, Kira Boesch, avoided the snafu surrounding last year’s valedictorian but nonetheless gave a heartwarming speech about her path to GS, her experiences as a professional ballet dancer, and the community spirit.

It also seemed like this year’s GS graduation was particularly popular, perhaps given previous events this year. Earlier in the morning, Fox News showed up to get film for this segment dedicated to graduating GS vets. National media, guys! But no sweat, GS ’11 was lookin’ good in front of the cameras.

And finally, after sitting in a tent for hours and eventually shaking hands with PrezBo himself, the GS Class of 2011 went on their merry ways—although, so we’ve heard, not before first heading to a hidden room full of beer and champagne (aka a “reception,” for those over 21). Most deserved.

Cheers, and congrats, Class of 2011!

Photos by Amital Isaac

The rosy-fingered hand of Morningside Heights.

It’s actually Wednesday afternoon! Which now means that it’s Pizza Wednesday. That’s right, Boringside enthusiasts—Nussbaum’s deal formerly known as “Pizza Sunday/Monday” has become an everyday offer. Morningside heaves a collective sigh of contentment and not-as-broke-ment; weight gains ensue.

Aaaand speaking of eating, a tipster reports seeing a “hilarious number” of graduates, still swathed in gowns, dining with their families at our very own Campo. Which makes each of those graduates just about the most clothed person that has ever been at Campo, ever. Ever.

Last but not least, we have a Squirrel Man sighting for you folks at home! He too donned a robe this week as he walked about campus and used his hands to attract squirrels.

Boringside: because you don’t have anything better to do with your summer freedom.

Girl handwriting on a boy hand via Wikimedia Commons.

Having being directed all around campus yesterday by Public Safety officers and people in ponchos concerned Bwog did not have a press pass, Intrepid Underclassmen Peter Sterne finally found the press section and settled in to watch the commencement of SEAS Class Day. After a procession of old alums, professors, and administrators, KevSho took the stage, asked Prezbo for permission, and kicked off the festivities.

The first to speak was the president of SEAS 2011, Amanda Tan. Both she and valedictorian Norases Vesdapunt drew on their experiences as international students trying to fit in at Columbia. While Tan delivered heartwarming anecdotes, such as her “first immigrant holiday—Thanksgiving—spent with the family of a fellow Columbia engineer,” Vesdapunt spiced up his speech with jokes. Before coming to Columbia, he recalled, he underwent a crash-course in American culture, learning, among other things, the real meaning of “3rd base.” Once he got to Columbia, he fit it just fine, though he did have to explain to some of his peers that his home nation of Thailand is not the same place as Taiwan!

The keynote speaker, Ralph Izzo, MS ’79 PhD ’81, and current head of a company involved in green energy tech, spoke about the importance of engineering knowledge in the world. He recalled his fondest memories of Columbia, “sitting with friends around an old coffee table solving the world’s problems.” Unfortunately, he admitted, he never actually succeeded in fixing the world, which means there are still plenty of problems—chief among them the development of clean and sustainable energy—left for the Class of 2011 to solve.

Dean Feniosky Peña-Mora started his speech by making the newly minted engineers stand up and thank their families and professors, including two visiting professors from Italy nicknamed “the fancy ones” in honor of their eccentric (to American eyes, at least) graduation robes. He then moved on to advice, telling the grads they should strive to use their specialized knowledge to contribute to their communities, no matter how small their contributions may seem. Alluding to chaos theory and the idea that a butterfly flapping its wings can lead to a hurricane on the other side of the world, Peña-Mora told the Class of 2011 to “go forth, flap your wings, and make us proud!”

PrezBo, the only non-engineer to speak, began by thanking “Dean Feni” and lamenting that “I wish I knew what you know.” He went on to explain that most of the world’s problems require technological solutions, and hence engineers. But he cautioned that these “problems are not just technical problems; they’re also human problems.” If only there was an educational program that combined the technical knowledge of engineering with the humanism of the liberal arts—oh, right.

Perhaps the most interesting speech came from Joshua Gaspard, the designated “grad student speaker” who is receiving his second MA at Columbia after getting an undergrad degree at West Point. Gaspard said Columbians would change the world, and predicted that the Class of 2011 includes someone who will cure cancer, someone who will develop a clean and sustainable form of energy, and someone who will develop a financial program and make billions of dollars. “But all joking aside,” he argued, “99% of you will have no global impact on the world.” Unexpectedly, the graduates erupted in uproarious, and perhaps nervous, laughter. Taken aback, Gaspard explained that while most graduates will not make world-changing discoveries, they will have real impacts on the thousands of individuals in their neighborhoods who will rely on them to better their lives. It was a nuanced point, and one that the audience seemed to appreciate.

Finally, it was time to read off the names of the graduating undergrad and grad students, which Bwog estimates numbered about 1,200 and took a half-hour. Afterward, it was time for “Stand, Columbia,” “Roar Lion Roar,” and snacks on Hamilton Lawn. Unfortunately, Bwog did not see any Jell-O shots this year, but we did spot some adorable Blue-and-White cookies.

Congrats to the Class of 2011!

Photos by Hans Hyttinen

Topless Old Man Bwog

In this rapidly changing world, we sometimes feels a little behind the times. Old Man Bwog aims to address the eternal gripe: “What’s up With That?”

Dear Parents of the Scooting Youth,

How would you feel if I walked into your backyards, set up three foot-tall hurdles all over the place, and watched your frustrated efforts to avoid my traps? How about if I put wheels on those hurdles and built them out of the flesh of toddlers? Well that’s what I feel like every time I narrowly avoid one of your children hurtling across campus on some newfangled scooter. As the collective elderly consciousness of Columbia students, I walk across campus constantly, quickly, and without any peripheral vision. For all you math-types, let me put it this way: Your little bundle of joy + my trajectory = big mess. Kids don’t have any respect these days, and if you want to teach your kids any rules, you better start by teaching them to respect the laws of physics. That means no cheating friction!

Yours Grumbly,

Bwog

Curmudgeon via wikimedia.

Creed (left) during her college days, courtesy of Columbia College Today

Speaking of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming!

Creed, CC ’88, is the executive producer of NBC Nightly News and the Vice President of NBC News. There has only been one female Class Day speaker since Columbia went co-ed in 1983: Claire Shipman, CC ’86, also a TV journalist, spoke in 1999. Creed was profiled in Columbia College Today in December 2007. Brian Williams (also 30 Rock’s best guest star, we think) calls Creed a “hustler”, but in a good way. Wallace was an English major and she played on the tennis team.

A note: Class Day and Commencement are not the same thing. Commencement is the University-wide graduation. The POTUS Project is the initiative for President Obama to speak at Commencement, not Columbia College Class Day.

An excerpt from CC 2011 President Sean Udell’s email announcing Creed:

We are writing to you today about Class Day, a tradition specifically for Columbia College where we welcome a beloved alumnus to deliver the College’s official farewell to CC seniors. Columbia College is unique in its requirement that the Class Day speaker be a Columbia affiliate, and we personally celebrate this tradition, as it helps to ensure that our speaker be particularly able to speak to the experiences of Columbia College graduates. When determining who to invite to speak at Class Day, your senior class council was particularly interested in the following qualities for a speaker: 1) passion for Columbia College, 2) success in personal and professional life, and 3) positive spirit and attitude capable for the inspiration of students. Moreover, in consideration of the comments that you contributed as we moved through this selection process, we agreed that it was additionally important to chose a speaker who reflected the relatively new gender balance that Columbia College has finally attained since this school became open to women in 1983. Since then, only the 1999 Class Day speaker has been a woman: Claire Shipman, CC ’86.

Therefore, I am absolutely thrilled to announce that our first choice for Class Day speaker has agreed to join us on May 17, 2011. ALEXANDRA WALLACE CREED, CC ’88, executive producer of the NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams and vice president of NBC News, will be this year’s Class Day Speaker. A renegade in her field, she is part of a small group of women who have shattered the glass ceiling of television network news in order to serve as the chief executive for the United States’ largest nightly network news broadcast. Moreover, she has been honored with six News and Documentary Emmy awards and a John Jay Award for distinguished professional achievement. We were particularly impressed that in addition to this incredible professional responsibility, Ms. Wallace is also the mother of young children and an extraordinarily active alumnae who hosts several Columbia College events every year and serves on the Columbia College Board of Visitors.

Class Day is a time for Columbia College seniors to celebrate their incredible achievement and to be inspired by the distinguished Columbians who have come before them. Alexandra Wallace Creed is someone that all Columbians can be proud of and admire as a role model, and we look forward to welcoming her to campus next semester as our Class Day speaker.

Update, 2:40 PM: The University has just issued its official press release announcing Creed, including a quote from Dean Mi-Moo: “Ms. Wallace’s accomplishments affirm our conviction that a strong liberal arts education inspires possibilities and opens doors to leadership opportunities in myriad industries and professions,” said Dean of Columbia College Michele M. Moody-Adams. “We are honored that Ms. Wallace has accepted our invitation to return to campus to address the Columbia College Class of 2011 on this most important occasion.” Creed won a John Jay award in 2008 and is member of the Council on Foreign Relations. Full press release after the jump. Read more…

Everyone had a good time at GS Class Day. There was a brass band, there was a Korean pop star, and there was a Valedictorian named Brian Corman who made a speech. This was not an unusual thing for a Valedictorian to do, but Mr. Corman did something out of the ordinary: he stole a joke, just about word for word, from comedian Patton Oswalt. Corman inserted it into his speech as if that very anecdote had happened to him. Whoops!

Bwog really wishes we could relay the joke to you, but as soon as we signed on YouTube to find the video of GS Commencement, we found that the video had become private. We hear from the lucky few who got a look at the video before it was taken down that the joke centered around a scene in a Physics for Poets class, in which a GS student challenged a question on the exam, showing that GS students always think they’re right because they are always right. Watch Oswalt’s original version of the joke here.

A scan of Oswalt’s Facebook page reveals he is none-too-pleased. “Jesus fucking CHRIST,” he writes in response to a link showing Corman’s bit, “Again?” Oswalt is now figuring out how to get the snippet of video with Corman’s joke back so he can send it to the “several big media outlets” that are asking him for it. You read it here first, folks!

A final piece of advice for our readers: if you’re going to steal comedy bits, don’t steal from living comedians who use the Internet a lot. Steal from Milton Berle, he never tweets! A few pieces of evidence below, we’ll update you as events unfold.

Update, 1:30: And Columbia has put the video back up on YouTube! Scroll to 33:56 for Corman’s speech, and indulge in the barrage of comments. Columbia has added a meaty disclaimer to the video:
It has come to our attention that a portion of our Valedictorians address at this years Columbia University School of General Studies Class Day was taken from a comedy routine by Patton Oswalt. Until today we were unaware of this conflict, and as an institution of higher learning that upholds the highest standards of respect for the works of others, we are deeply distressed that this has occurred. Columbia University and the School of General Studies do not condone the use of someone elses work without proper attribution. Mr. Corman has issued an apology to Patton Oswalt. — School of General Studies, May 25, 2010

Update, 4 PM: Dean of GS and Bwog Hero Peter Awn has issued the following statement about the debacle:

It has come to our attention that a portion of our Valedictorian’s remarks at this year’s School of General Studies Class Day was taken from a comedy routine by Patton Oswalt. As an institution of higher learning that places a core value on respect for the works of others, we were surprised and disappointed to have learned of this matter today. Columbia University and the School of General Studies do not condone or permit the use of someone else’s work without proper citation. The student speaker has appropriately issued an apology to his classmates and to Mr. Oswalt for failing to provide such attribution.

If you’re in GS, send along that apology right quick using our tip form.

Corman has also apologized directly to Oswalt, which the comedian related in a blog post on his website that he titled “Sloppy and Desperate.” Still, Oswalt writes that Corman “owned it all.”

Update, 5/26 2PM: Corman’s email to his GS ’10 classmates:

Dear Seniors,

I would like to apologize to the Senior Class for my actions on Class Day. As many of you know, I used one of Patton Oswalt’s jokes in my speech (the one about the Physics for Poets class). I sent an apology to Mr. Oswalt yesterday, and he has responded on his website. My intention was to have a funny story amidst the more serious parts of the speech to get a few laughs, and I was completely in the wrong for thinking that it was OK for me to take his story and make it my own. I am extremely sorry to the GS Senior Class for betraying their trust and embarrassing the school, and please know that I never meant to harm anyone by this.

My sincerest apologies,

Brian Corman

Every single member of the Columbia Class of 2010- that’s CC, SEAS, GS, BC, JSchool, BSchool, Law School is officially graduating right now. They are joined by approximately ten million family members and friends braving the truly nasty weather. At last, a justification for the tents. Photos to come, but in the meantime, in case you haven’t heard this enough recently:

And don’t forget to look for the Empire State Building lit up in Columbia blue tonight at dusk!

Eliza Shapiro woke up so early for CC Class Day. Liz Naiden was late but she is forgiven, just this once. Their report follows. If you have pictures, video or overheards from this Class Day or any other, send em in using our tips form.

Bwog guesstimates that it took 3.66 rounds of “Pomp and Circumstance” to seat the entire CC Class of 2010 and faculty in their cushier chairs. At last, our fearless leader took the stage greeted by an exceedingly shrill cry of “PREZBOOOO” from one young woman and then a larger chant of “PrezBo”, which made Mr. Bo look intensely uncomfortable, and we were off.

Salutatorian and generally high-achieving person Jeff Spear delivered the first speech, complete with a Nietzsche reference: slave morality will hunt you down on your graduation day. Dean Kevin “Kev” Shollenberger, looking especially spiffy in baby blue (it’s those eyes) took the podium to introduce Class Day Speaker Ben Jealous, President of the NAACP. Jealous got a preemptive round of applause when Shollenberger noted that he’d been suspended from Columbia College.

Jealous delivered a rousing speech, prompting CC 2010 President Cliff Massey to tell his classmates, “I told you he’d be good,” probably because of this. Jealous, who eventually graduated in 1994 (read more about his CC days here), described the current state of the universe as one of “Dickensian contradiction.” He noted that Sarah Palin and her acolytes want to “party like it’s 1776,” (i.e take the country back several large steps) which was met with boos and cheers from the crowd, presumably unclear on what the boo or cheer supported or condemned. Jealous went on to relate fascinating anecdotes from his post-CC-suspension time in Mississippi, including a dramatic encounter with a man Jealous thought was going to kill him (but ended up offering help) in a Waffle House and an actual death threat from the KKK’s press office. The speech was well-received, and, yeah, more biased than most of your run-of-the-mill graduation speeches, but Bwog thinks that was kind of the point of having someone like Jealous speak in the first place. Jealous finished with the following pieces of advice: go with your gut, and “let’s party like it’s 2010!” EC, Heights or Campo? Or is everyone in Bushwick already?

After many, many awards were given- notably to the Valedictorian Arianne Richard and another to Mr. Spear, the President of the Alumni Association to the podium ask everyone to donate money (the Senior Fund raised $18,626, a CC record!) and made fun of the seniors for “giving the Deans a new definition of the term ‘pregame.’” During his speech, muffled chants and shouts from Beyond the Gates made everyone turn to each other to ask “hey, what’s that shouting?” Bwog ran as fast as our little feet could carry us across College Walk, and found a scene not unlike the storming of the Bastille. As we reported a few hours ago, over 30 construction workers, hard hats and all, holding signs and protesting the Community Benefits Agreement (“hey, ho, CBA has got to go!”). According to the entire CBA (read it all here) agreed upon by Columbia and the West Harlem Local Development Corporation (WHLDC), CU will pay $76 million to the Benefits Fund controlled by the WHLDC. It has been argued, and was certainly argued loudly outside the Gates today, that this amount is insufficient (or worse, according to the semi-reliable NYPost) for Columbia/West Harlem residents and workers. Public Safety shut the Gates, then opened them to let in tourists, the protesters moved across the street, and everyone simmered down. Update: The NYT caught on!

PrezBo took the stage next (after having crushed the protesters with his bare hands; just another Monday morning) and made a joke about Glee that was justified by his claim that “someone told me that one would work as a joke.” He congratulated the graduates and reminded them that, “Facilities has asked me to remind you that the red flag [on South Lawn] is up today.” His PSA was greeted with a round of boos, to which PrezBo, responded, “life is tough, I know.” Oh Lee C, just tell us you love us back!

At last, it was time to graduate. The Advising Deans took turns calling everyone’s name, a difficult task that they looked tremendously relieved to have survived by the time that “Kev” yelled “The Class of 2010!” and, just like magic, the Clefhangers showed up! We all sang “Roar, Lion, Roar” with them and went to Hamilton Lawn for snacks.

CC 2010, we are very proud of you, and we’ll miss you. Congratulations!

Hans Hyttinen gives you the highlights of the SEAS ’10 Class Day.

This year’s SEAS Class Day was marked, as is the norm, by a number of speeches, both funny and inspiring.

Seth Davidovits and Rodney Chang delivered the valedictory and salutatory addresses, respectively. Met with general approval, their speeches were interesting and humorous—especially Seth’s, as he mentioned feeling sorry for the Class of 2013 since the world would end before their Commencement, or at least according to the Discovery and History channels.

Paul Brandt-Rauf, Columbia professor and holder of six (!) Columbia degrees, gave the Class Day Address. Surely aided by his extensive Columbia graduation experience, Brandt-Rauf’s speech, though a tad long, appeared well received. Evidently aware of his audience’s decreased attention span, he admitted, “I can drone on endlessly and say things that nobody will ever recall.”

ESC 2010 President Heather Lee, recipient of her first Columbia degree, also made a fine speech. Most notably, she gave her heartfelt thanks to the parents and professors who had helped SEAS 2010 achieve their goals, especially honoring the professors: “…and thank you for the problem sets, helping keep the ‘C’ in ‘SEAS.’”

The Clefhangers, a student a cappella group, closed the ceremonies with “Stand, Columbia” and “Roar, Lion, Roar.” SEAS 2010, Columbia salutes you!

Jon Edelman reports from GS Class Day this morning.

In true GS style, guests were greeted by Howard Fishman and the Biting Fish Brass Band, who marched the graduates in to “Down By the Riverside,” rather than your typical 10-minute rendition of “Pomp and Circumstance.”

The ceremony continued with a rendition of the national anthem by Lena Park (GS ’10), who earned her bachelor’s degree from Columbia after achieving R&B stardom in Korea.

Another, marginally more famous GSer, Jacques Pépin (GS ’70), took the podium after Park to deliver the Class Day Address. Pépin came to Columbia for language classes within a week of his immigration from France. His speech focused mainly on his bio and some follow-your-dream-type lines, it was generally well-received, even “inspirational” according to several graduates.

GS students are crazy!

Valedictorian Brian Corman’s speech was also widely praised. Corman focused on GS students’ non-traditional and often more difficult paths. He illustrated with student examples, including that of Timothy Goebel, who became the first person to land three quadruple-jumps in a figure skating program after falling on the first one that he attempted.

Bwog dubs the ceremony a delight: a beautiful morning, a brass band, a Korean pop star and a famous chef. Congratulations GS ’10!

Do you hear that, Columbia? That’s the sound of 2013 rolling their blue bins (don’t forget to donate) towards the family car, stopping along the way to embrace their floormates like it’s the last day of sleepaway camp and the buses just rolled up. Most of you should be finishing up exams right about now, making important choices, and preparing to move back to Montclair or, jeez, to graduate. Class of 2010: Columbia has put out the chairs and assembled the mini-jumbotrons. You know, that way they’ll just be there for five days for no reason.

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Remember how Bill Clinton was going to maybe speak at CC Class Day? Well, he isn’t, but he will be speaking at the Public Health School’s Graduation at New Balance Track & Field Arena on 168th Street. Hubba hubba!

The complete Graduation/Class Day/Commencement hullabaloo calendar has just been released for CC, GS and the School of Mines. Other notable speakers include chef Jacques Pepin for GS, Gail Collins for JSchool, our old friend Eric Holder for Law School, and Meryl Streep for BC.

See the full schedule and speaker list after the jump. Read more…

As you wake up on your last real weekend of college, look toward the very near future.

Cartoon by Abigail Santner