Listen up, seniors: it’s your Class Prez!
Name, Hometown, School: Ryan “_________” Mandelbaum, Cedarhurst, New York, Columbia College
Claim to fame? I’m “the fat one in the Carman video,” “the study guide guy,” “the email guy,” and “the sweater guy.” You may have seen me standing on a canoe in the Delaware River or on the radiator at your EC party. I may be the future recipient of a nobel prize for having no hand in the recent discovery of a new particle.
Where are you going? I’m moving to Madison, WI to work for Epic Systems, which I can hopefully leverage on my resume to get a record deal rapping for Epic Records. In my opinion, Wisconsin happens to be the only state where “Oral sex or cheese?” is a valid, fair question.
Three things you learned at Columbia:
Back in my day… You could get a hot dog from a vending machine in Ferris, watch your friends’ band play in the tunnels, and not only could you get a spicy special at all, but it only cost four bucks. Laypeople people called the Diana the Vag (It’s short for Vagelos) and it was called “Frontiers,” not “Frosci.” “Community” really only referred to the restaurant across the street, and it was perfectly valid and respectable to spend your Thursday nights drunk in JJ’s. You didn’t even need to swipe in and you could buy yourself a lunchables from behind the counter.
Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: Quick back of the envelope: I’ve sent 80 class emails, each with four three-minute YouTube videos. Assuming 400 people watch them all, I’ve wasted 9 months of CC 2013’s time.
Write a CU Admirers post to anyone or anything at Columbia: To the CC Class of ’13: Every class has a “stereotype” about them. Maybe they’re especially hip, nerdy, international or something. The Class of ‘13’s stereotype is “Goes H.A.M.”
Class of ’14 be warned, you have a whooole lot to live up to. We doubled the capacity of the party space at every single Lerner Pub.
Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Imagine the increase in the general physical health of the human population in a world without cheese. Think about how attractive and healthy everyone would be, and how exciting and great the oral sex would be. Now imagine the drastic decrease in the general psychological health of the human population in a world without oral sex, all smelly and out of shape because they have nothing but cheese to fulfill their carnal desires.
Ladies, gentlemen, etc, the answer is obvious.
One thing to do before graduating: Find a way to party with LeBron James and your best friend. You won’t be disappointed (he’s much taller in person), and Jay-Z’s manager might call you “Beastie Boy.”
And maybe something more attainable: Do something fun and crazy without thinking about your schoolwork at all. For example: go see your favorite DJ with your favorite person the night before a 9AM final exam. Pay close attention to how little it affects your grade.
Any regrets? There are some people I wish I had met much earlier in my college career, others I wish I’d have been able to spend more time with while I was here. Other than that, no, none at all.