This past week, the Class of 2014 had several opportunities to get their official senior portrait taken. Awkward, unphotogenic Alexandra Svokos tried desperately to redeem herself from her ridiculously horrible high school yearbook portrait. Here’s her internal monologue.
You are not going to fuck this up again. Just get in there, do what they say, and smile. Oh my god did they seriously set us up in a Lerner ramp room? They couldn’t even block the windows so we’re not exposed to the world while getting this picture taken? Whatever, calm down, let’s go.
The dude at the desk tells me to relax–do I look nervous? Maybe I shouldn’t have had that coffee…OK fill out these forms. Am I supposed to put “Columbia University” or “Columbia College”? DID I SPELL “ECONOMICS” RIGHT???? Alright well now the guy’s laughing at me because I signed my name where I was supposed to print it. Great.
They’re playing music! Ooh I love this song. Should I tell the photog that? Yeah, then we’ll become BFFs and he’ll make sure my pictures are good. Sweet, he’s a Passion Pit fan too, this plan is totally working. Sit down, pivot to the left. One centimeter back right. Half a centimeter back left. Turn your chin. Look up. Not that far up!! Photog’s bringing over a mirror—is my eyeliner even? Crap I forgot to curl my lashes. Shouldn’t’ve bothered with blush, my cheeks are pink enough with nerves.
My new BFF the photographer is fixing my hair. Am I OK with that? What if I was married and Orthodox or something? I wonder what Malala’s doing on campus… That’d be so cool if she went to Barnard. She’s awesome. Wait focus, there’s flash going off. I should try a no-teeth smile. LOL photog just gave the biggest grimace and told me to smile with teeth NEVER MIND. Ooh I love this song too. Maybe I should’ve worn a dress. What movie is this song in? Alright pivot to the right. SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK!
Time to bring out the cap and gown. Jesus these are so gross. I really hope no one has lice, this is literally disgusting. BFF is asking what my major is–I have two. What’s my “primary major”? Let’s go with creative writing. Ohhhh he was asking so I had the right shoulder sash thing on my gown. Wait I’m getting a BA, right? How did I get into this school. Fan-fucking-tastic, he’s asking what I want to do after I graduate. Yeah great, ask the creative writing major if she has her life figured out.
Is this how I normally smile? Is my mouth open weirdly wide? A few shots awkwardly holding the cap on my shoulder and now I have to put it on my head. Ew. Ew. Ew ew ew. Ew. And apparently I have to put my hand on my belly. Didn’t realize I was taking my “I’m preggo!” pics today, but alright. Oh, it’s to keep the gown unwrinkled. Fair enough.
BFF once again brings over the mirror so I can check myself out before we go into this final round of pictures. Holy shit. I’m wearing a cap and gown. I’m graduating. This is really happening. Fuck.
Would it be weird if I asked to take a selfie?
Awkward family photos via Shutterstock