Let the Bwadness commence!
Welcome to the first annual Bwarch Bwadness, where 16 of the fiercest competitors at Barnumbia (all written about by Bwog sometime in the last year) will square off to take home the University’s most coveted prize—Bwog’s 2023 Bwarch Bwadness Bwampion. Each week, readers will send in their picks to decide who will advance to the next round. That’s right, you decide! Vote down below via the Google Form!
Contestants who are victorious will advance to next week’s Bwelite Eight!
Here’s this year’s Bwacket:
Let’s meet the contestants vying for this year’s trophy:
As the new kid on the block, President-Designate Minouche Shafik comes into this tournament with a lot to prove. But she is a heavy hitter; you’ve all read her CV! We expect her to make waves in this tournament unless an early-round upset takes her out of the competition. Does the Global Core Approved List have what it takes to pull off a Cinderella story? Of course, we all know the Global Core Approved List is never there when you need it. It’s a long shot for sure, but this is Bwarch, who knows what could happen?
Both of these contestants elicit strong feelings from the Barnumbia student body. Or maybe not. One was overwhelmingly denounced by the student body via survey; the other is mid sushi. I have nothing but love for John Jay Sushi, but going up against an opponent as formidable as Undergraduate Expansion… Let’s just say I’m less than confident.
Big Sub is a lot of sub. 750 feet of it, to be exact. I’m sure if you lined up all the loose Chef Don’s Cannolis it wouldn’t be nearly that long, hence the ranking. But they’re both kinda just… out there, festering. This is a classic matchup of food-you-wish-was-individually-wrapped. I personally enjoy both, and I experienced no ill effects after consuming either the tuna sub at this year’s Big Sub event or any of Chef Don’s delicious cannolis. I understand the concern, though.
When Max Caffé closed, Barnumbia changed for the worse. Now there are no good cafés near campus, at least not where you can actually get work done (sorry, Hungarian). It is an absence I feel daily. The Futter Field Dirt Patch is similar in that one cannot look at it without remembering what once was. That is not to say that anyone was fond of the tent, but the giant mud slick isn’t great either. Who will win? The ghost of my most beloved restaurant? Or the sad remains of a nuisance tent? These are the high-stakes matchups that make Bwarch Bwadness such an exciting affair!
Chef Robert Irvine has become a recurring character of sorts. He was here for last year’s Surf, Turf, and Earth, and he reappeared just yesterday for the Battle of the Dining Halls. Apparently, his history at Barnumbia goes back even further, and for some reason, we at Bwog have written about him a shocking number of times. I can proudly say that I’ve laid eyes on Chef Irvine more times than I’ve ever seen PrezBo (Robert leads 2–1 in this category). Of course, he faces quite a tall task if he is to take down the Columbia US News Saga, which is still being discussed on campus. No need to rehash that all here; everyone knows the story. In any case, one can only hope that this matchup will be just as thrilling as Columbia’s plummet in the US News college rankings! If we learned anything, it’s that no lead is ever safe.
This is a highly anticipated contest. One of the best bargains in Morningside Heights will throw down against the best condiment to be found in the basement of a Columbia building. Recently, JJ’s has been labeling the honey mustard as just “mustard,” which is really confusing. One is a delicious addition to any meal, the other is boring old mustard. But, as the Book Culture Sales Table taught me, you should never judge a book by its cover! Just as I took a chance on a compiled edition of psychoanalytic essays about Shakespeare, so too did I take a chance on the mysterious “mustard” in JJ’s Place. And I was right, it was honey mustard all along! I love both of these contestants equally, so whoever wins, I will go home smiling.
Another crushing absence in our lives takes on something that crushes you with its presence! The Dorm Radiator with all its scary noises will have its work cut out if it wants to defeat The Hole Where The JJ’s Milkshake Machine Should Be. Everyone wants the yummy milkshakes back, and everyone is hoping the Dorm Radiator disappears.
Vote here via Google Form! Polls close Tuesday, March 7 at 11:59 pm!
Bwarch Bwadness Header via Elijah Knodell