Imagine Caesar Flickerman swiping you into Faculty House.

Does anyone else feel like we’re going through a late 2000s/early 2010s renaissance at the moment? A Hunger Games sequel is on the way, twee style is making a comeback, and Matty Healy is back in the headlines. Like it or not, the culture of many of our childhoods is relevant once more, and Bwog is here to capitalize on it. In true Buzzfeed-sorting-hat-quiz fashion, here are each of the Barnumbia dining halls categorized into their Hogwarts houses, Divergent factions, Panem districts, and Camp Half-Blood cabins.

John Jay

  • Gryffindor—John Jay is brave. Courageous, even. It would’ve taken care of Voldemort in book one.
  • Amity—But it’s also so chill! All-you-can-eat pasta is so Amity vibes. Share the love.
  • District 1 (Luxury)—It is absolutely one of the careers. If I were a tribute and saw John Jay across the cornucopia, I’d give up then and there.
  • Zeus—Big “Do you know who my father is?” energy.

JJ’s Place

  • Gryffindor—I sorta view JJ’s as the scrappy child of John Jay. Like parent, like child. Also, JJ’s gives maximum Gryffindor common room vibes.
  • Factionless—JJ’s is the go-to struggle meal of many. Plus it’s underground.
  • District 13 (Nuclear)—Again. Underground.
  • Ares—Based on its sports TVs and blasting music, I feel like JJ’s would love the thrill of battle.

Ferris Booth Commons

  • Ravenclaw—The FBC is located in Lerner, a hub of student clubs and arts. Thus, I believe it belongs in the house of creativity and intellect.
  • Dauntless—The two-floor setup of Ferris could be used for some sick Dauntless parkour.
  • District 4 (Fishing)—Fish tacos!
  • Hermes—The lines in Ferris always confuse me, so I feel like the trickster god is apt.

Chef Mike’s Sub Shop

  • Hufflepuff—Chef Mike’s is loyal, reliable, and true.
  • Abnegation—And never showy! This dining hall is humble, without many fancy events or promotions.
  • District 9 (Grain)—Chef Mike’s subs are served on bread.
  • Apollo—This god is associated with medicine, music, poetry, the sun, and even truth itself—very similar to the sub, soup, side, dessert, and drink that comes with a swipe at Chef Mike’s!

Chef Don’s Pizza Pi

  • Hufflepuff—Just like Chef Mike’s, a pi from Don’s is consistent and trustworthy.
  • Erudite—The engineering lounge literally looks like Erudite HQ.
  • District 10 (Livestock)—Chef Don needs high-quality, fresh dairy to make all that mozzarella.
  • Demeter—The loose cannolis are ripe for harvesting!

Faculty House

  • Slytherin—Not to uphold damaging stereotypes, but Fac House would totally become a Death Eater. Its fanciness gives it a certain Malfoy vibe.
  • Erudite—This is based solely on the fancy sparkling water machines. I could see evil, Erudite leader Kate Winslet having one of these in her office.
  • The Capitol—The bougiest dining hall for sure, Fac House would watch and laugh at the others duking it out in the arena.
  • Hades—Is it clear yet that I think Faculty House is kinda evil?


  • Muggle—No words. Just vibes.
  • Abnegation—Hewitt isn’t showy. It’s there for your modest survival.
  • District 12 (Mining)—I want you to go to the “Pure Eats” counter and tell me that that isn’t something that would be in the tesserae. It absolutely would.
  • Hephaestus—Children of Hephaestus have pyrokinesis. That would be very helpful at the grill counter, I think.


  • Ravenclaw—Diana is wise. Diana is an it girl. At any given moment, there is a Barnard student in Diana who could easily be mistaken for Luna Lovegood.
  • Erudite—Although it’s small and there are never enough seats, Diana could easily rule the world.
  • District 5 (Power)—Those damn pizzas are the power source for everyone at Barnard.
  • Artemis—Goddess of the hunt and also goddess of the making and consumption of tofu.

Images via Columbia Dining and Wikimedia Commons