Now Low Library is already a bundle of mendacity since it’s not neither a library nor Low, being Prezbo’s little office and one of the tallest buildings on South campus.

But now the sensationalist media is tricking our children into misbelief! We overheard a teacher telling his kids:

“This is a huge deal! This is a real college library!”

It isn’t even that. You and whoever carved the façade of Low, sirs, should be ashamed of yourselves.

Which Columbia dorm is most conducive to sex dungeons? Discuss.

Although nobody seems to know what it’s called, that mysterious lawn in front of Kent is apparently the location for a new kind of romance:

“Do you know how lucky you are to be with me? Do you know how far out of your league I am? Ivy-educated, multilingual, generous, kind, crazy, fun-loving kind of guy, and willing to tie you up?!”

Other tidbits from couples making out on those weird island lawns on college walk or behind you in Butler should be tipped immediately.

Furnald via Shutterstock 

Butter…better…it gets better!

It’s that time of year, when bitches will go crazy, you will end up bringing your therapeutic Christmas Tree to Butler, and you might say something like:

“I cried yesterday because I got the wrong cream cheese in Ferris.”

Paula Deen has never led Bwog astray, so we recommend butter. And tips.

Your new Advising Deen via Wikimedia Commons

Most gross when she sat down.

Tipsters were soaking up the sun yesterday when they saw this baby and overheard these:

“This reminds me of Lena Dunham”

“Maybe she has an appointment with PrezBo.”

“She must feel, like, so free.”

Did the parents just not dress their toddler when they left their home, or did they take off all her clothes once at Columbia? So deliberate either way. Columbia is now ready for Bacchanal.

So impressive

A tipster overheard this charming conversation at a party this weekend:

Bro 1 : I can bite a bra off! For real! I’m just like *RRRRR*!
Bro 2: I’m working on just the flick and drop. One swift motion!
Bro 3: Fuck yeah!

Swoon.

Congratulation squad via Shutterstock

This is a man who doesn’t care about social stigma.

It seems that nowadays, nobody is safe from persecution. Gender, race, weight, and economic groups of all kinds are judged and grouped together as inferior. Now, Bwog has overheard that another group is also being oppressed:

“All men in headphones look the same? Did you just say that? That’s like…racist.”

Men in headphones have to unite against the abuse from clear-eared individuals! They have the same rights! They are equal, and are all unique! Headphone-wearers of the world, unite!

A proud independent headphone user who don’t need no earbuds via Shutterstock

Wait…do drunken break-ups count?

We’ve all said things we wish we could take back after one too many drinks. Some of us, though, take it to a whole new level. We dunno sweetheart — maybe you should start looking for another fish in the sea?

So he doesn’t remember breaking up with you? Like he was just super drunk?

What a totally healthy relationship!

Say it like it is via Shutterstock

A Columbia student working on Homer

As students of Columbia University,  the admissions office selected us for our passion, our talents, our intellect, and our literacy. A tipster overheard the same conclusion being made outside of Butler.

“Do you know how hard college would be if you couldn’t read? I know that sounds obvious, but just think about it. A teacher made me read out loud in class the other day and I just kept thinking: this would be so hard if I couldn’t read.”

Touché.

Butler zombie via Shutterstock

Eat his dust!

While walking through College Walk the other day, Bwog observed two small children riding their bikes:

Child 1: Aren’t you getting tired of this?

Child 2: No! We’ll stop when I say we stop.

Awww… What a cute little future dictator. Welcome to Columbia, kids! You’ll fit right in.

A turning point via Shutterstock

Bwog’s tell

Overheard a few nights ago on the way to Pupin: “Ya, my pupils get all weird and change sizes. It’s like my ‘tell.’”

(A tell for what? Imagine playing poker with this person…)

Overheard at Ferris: “You went to sleep and woke up naturally at 7? You know what that’s called? Cocaine.”

 (We wonder if there is a connection here…)

10 super awesome Bwog points to whoever comes up with the best connection between these two overheards or for anyone who can figure out what the “tell” is referring to!

Outside the LLC:

“You know, the saddest thing about growing up is that you try and go back and watch old cartoons and they’re just not funny anymore.”

We respectfully disagree. I mean, old cartoons are still awesome. Here’s some nautical nonsense (with commentary on the deceitfulness of marketing, the challenges of making money in a capitalist economy, and the health benefits of chocolate) to brighten your Friday.

Spongebob SquarePants – Chocolate with Nuts from J2 Joom Xe on Vimeo.

It even has a tiny pillow for its head!!

We don’t know about you, but thinking about the future makes us want to cry. Getting a real job, being a productive member of society, having to, like, pay for stuff…it’s giving us stress dreams. At this point, we’re super thankful for tipsters who make us feel like “cat-lady” is a valid aspiration:

“We could talk about careers, the future… Nah, let’s talk about your cats.”

Story of my life via Shutterstock

Are we really the only ones who masochistically love late-night lucubration in Butler? The taste of the corn muffins from Butler Café, especially after they’re a bit stale because then they don’t crumble so much? Whizzing by 45 steps on the banister from the third to the second floor? The extremely bright or dim “mood” lighting, depending on your study room of choice? Sadly, maybe so, according to this person overheard during a lecture:

“Which one’s the ref room…?”

 

 

 

She understands

A tipster overheard these two whining speaking about the weather today. You know you were all thinking it.

1: ”Dude, it’s so cold. I’m not going to classes today. I’m just gonna email all my teachers and ask them to send me the syllabus..es.”

2: ”Dude you’re so lazy.”

1: ”It’s so cold they should just cancel school. I’m wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt AND a North Face and it’s still cold.”

Maybe invest in a heavier winter coat?

Future Columbia students via Shutterstock

Get ready, Class of ’17

A tipster overheard this at Ferris:

“Both coffee machines aren’t working. My life is over! I’m going to drop out or something. Let’s burn this place to the ground.”

Keeping your blood coffee content high via Shutterstock