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A Power Ranking Of The Ivy League’s Lesser Bwogs

While wandering around Harvard Yard last fall, Events Editor Isabel Sepúlveda found herself wondering: where could Harvard students turn for their daily dose of breaking news, free food, and shitposts? Where could any non-Columbia Ivy League student go? After months of hard-hitting research, she’s come up with a power ranking of the relative Bwoginess of every other Ivy’s Bwog-equivalent, based upon the standard established by the Supreme Court in Jacobellis v Ohio: you know it when you see it. However if you think know of a Bwoggier publication for any of the campuses listed that may have been overlooked, put it in the comments and it will taken into consideration.

8. Harvard: The Harvard Independent The Harvard Lampoon

Harvard, it seems, is 100% lacking in independent news blogs. However, I have come to the conclusion that if you merge the Harvard Independent, which publishes on a range of issues, and The Harvard Lampoon, which is actually funny, you might get something approximating a halfway decent Bwog. I bet this entirely hypothetical news blog would publish some truly awful op-eds though. The #1 (or #2 depending on who you ask) Ivy League school is failing its undergraduates on the most important metric: Bwog.

7. Cornell: CU Nooz Kitsch Magazine

Once more, we have to fuse the DNA of two other Cornell publications, Jurassic-Park-like into the hypothetically perfect publication, that would inevitably devour the campus in attempts to meet its carnivorous needs. Like Kitsch, we too have published “fiction, high-caliber art and photography, features, interviews with local and global figures, reviews of literature, film, and music, cultural criticism, back-handed observations, personal essays, lengthy tirades, loving odes” and so on. Combing CU Nooz would probably bring us something approximating Bwog’s Signature Voice™. Why does this beat out Harvard? 1.) CU Nooz is an objectively Bwoggier name than Harvard Lampoon, 2.) their hypothetical op-eds (you know Cornell would have them too), would be better, 3.) putting Cornell last would be boring.

Honorable Mention: The Cornell Public JournalNot really Bwog, but its mission to publish real-life confessions, poetry, and fiction make the Journal a unique student publication and keeps it connected to the Cornell community in a very intimate way that I’m deeply into.

6. Dartmouth: Dartbeat

There seems to be nothing at Dartmouth that even manages to closely approximate Bwog, which is a damn shame. Dartbeat is essentially the frozen tundra of Hanover’s equivalent of Spectrum, but also the only thing I could find. The only reason it’s included is because I couldn’t find anything better and at least I didn’t have to find two separate websites. They haven’t posted since November but also “The 7 Stages of Grief in Line at the KAF” sounds like something we might write about Peets if we really needed some content, but without the GIFs. We have our dignity.

Honorable Mention: The Dartmouth Jack-o-Lantern: This is Dartmouth’s Fed equivalent, so it was immediately disqualified from regular rankings. However, the relative spookiness of its name (they call themselves the Jacko and I think that’s beautiful) and the fact that Dr. Seuss and Mindy Kaling both wrote for the publication makes it deserving of some sort of mention on this list. Also the line “Why, just last week, for a fun prank, we torched the engineering school to the ground.” spoke to me on some kind of level.

5. Princeton: The Nassau Weekly

Finally, this list is entering the land of some vaguely Bwoggy content! Princeton’s Nassau Weekly covers a variety of topics, some serious, sometimes humorous. But alas, they publish op-eds, which we are decidedly against, unless journalistic circumstances prove impossible to ignore. They’re redeemed not only by the diversity of their content, but also by their Verbatim archive which is delightful and has distracted me for several consecutive minutes.

Honorable Mention: Real Talk Princeton is a Tumblr blog dedicated to the actual questions Princeton students have about their campus. While it’s not much like Bwog at all, we are very into its mission to make sure students know everything they need to in order to be successful during their undergrad years.

4. Penn: Under the Button

Yes, Penn’s “Bwog equivalent” is associated with their student newspaper, which is the exact opposite of what we are. Yes, it’s also basically their equivalent of The Fed. So you may be asking “Why, Isabel, is this even on your list? and why is it #4???” The answer, dear readers, is the mystery. Once upon a time, Under the Button was (and is still described on Wikipedia as) a student-run blog for  “news, gossip and entertainment” which is almost Bwog’s Twitter bio verbatim. Bwog was even listed on their sidebar at some point, among other college blogs.  When did they decide to become UPenn’s The Onion? Why did they decide to make this decision? Inquiring minds want to know.

(If you have answers please email isabel@bwog.com because I literally spent two hours trying to figure it out and got nowhere.)

3. Yale: The Boola

Like Bwog, The Boola has a name that’s a little strange and that I imagine most people don’t quite understand. It also starts with B which is definitely a point in its favor for general Bwogginess. They describe themselves as “an alternative news site for Yalies on the go” which is a mission we can get behind but thenfortunately, Yale’s first social news outlet hasn’t posted since November, leaving us craving a follow-up to hits like “Milkshakes of New Haven: Steel Cage Match” which is a very good name for their version of 2Girls1Snack.

2. Brown: The Blogonian

The moment I looked at The Blogonian, I turned to the friend sitting next to me and shouted, “I found it!” Created by the former staffers of the BlogDailyHerald (Brown’s Spectrum) after the publication posted two racist and offensive posts, The Blogonian provides to Brown University much of what Bwog does for Columbia. They also have an odd name that starts with B. They try their best to care about sports while also not caring about sports. They tell people about events on campus that maybe some students might actually go to. They literally wrote posts titled “What’s Up With the Hole Outside My Dorm” and “How Not to Get Murdered at Brown University” which just feel right. They have a poll!!!! I love them and want them to be our new friend; Blogonian, feel free to slide into our DMs any time.

1. NYC: NYU Local

I know, this is supposed to be a list of Ivy League schools, but we here at Bwog don’t buy into that kind of exclusionary elitism. And there’s no way we could leave Local, our best friend, our running mate, our Valentine off this list. With articles like “How to Ride the Coolest Escalators in Macy’s Herald Square” and “Local Fucks: Which Dating App is For You” they truly are the Bwoggiest non-Bwog. The Ivy League could never.

0. Columbia: Bwog

We appreciate the rest of the Ivy League’s valiant effort, love and support our friends and colleagues, and hope the schools near the bottom of this list step up their game. But at the end of the day, there can only be One True Bwog.

our photoshop skills are too powerful via Bwog Staff

 

 

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1 Comment

  • middle aged alum says:

    @middle aged alum rip ivygate :'(

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