For a true joke too late for April Fools and a horror story too early for Halloween, read below.

Please put me out of my misery.

All this could be solved if the gates were re-opened…

Why can't we just call them something else if they are not in the MIDDLE of the semester???

Why would a man be there?

Is it wrong to wish my English professors would teach ’til death do us part?

Undeniably the worst elevator on campus…

Staff Writer Caylie is fed up with Columbia’s Security Awareness emails. Or so they thought.

Someone living in River Hall this year doesn’t seem to understand that taking people’s kitchenware and not giving it back is THEFT.

Coil stovetops are ugly. They are dirty and they just suck.

Brooks residents live in the oldest building, have a mouse problem, and have no AC. Please, Sulz residents, why must you have it all? 

I swear I didn’t press anything.

I don’t understand why it’s not acceptable for me to wear my slutty Freddy Fazbear outfit to class. 

A list of things, via letter, that I associate with those who find it okay to eat whole fruit outside of the home.

Time has no meaning, especially after a dissociative fall break. Here’s a list of things that may calibrate your life a little bit.