jokes Archive



Written by

img May 07, 201612:08 pmimg 0 Comments

Barnard Office of Career Development, or, My Personal Hell

Career development has been pretty fishy lately… with weird jobs posted on Nacelink, and the office’s awkward location on Claremont, one of our Staff Writers was pushed past her limit with her most recent experiences, described below. 

I visited the Barnard Office of Career Development for the first time last week, when it suddenly hit me that summer was just two weeks away and I was woefully unemployed. One visit became four that week, and, while Career Development did me some good, it also did me wrong. How do you wrong me? Let me count the ways.

  1. Before I even set foot in their Elliot Hall office, I was wary of Barnard Career Development solely because their email address is Sure, OCD is supposed to stand for the Office of Career Development, but that’s not the first thing anyone’s mind would jump to when they saw the acronym.
  2. Making my first appointment with a career counselor was easy, and the receptionist was nice. I explained I wanted to work on a resumé. My friend made an appointment at the same time and day as me so we could go together. But when we arrived, they had no record of the appointment I had watched her make, forcing her to reschedule for a different day.
  3. The first counselor I saw was completely unhelpful and rather air-headed (I was convinced I knew her from a reality TV show), and after 10 minutes she referred me to a peer career counselor. The peer career counselor turned out to be very friendly, and, upon running into her at Morton Williams the next day, she even remembered me.
  4. I returned several days later with my finished resumé as instructed, having followed the template I had been given exactly. I came during peer career counselor walk-in hours and signed in. Having had a good experience with the peer career counselor previously, I had high hopes. But when I approached, first draft resumé in hand, the three peer career counselors present practically played Nose Goes as to who would have to help me.

Life gets weirder after the jump



Written by

img May 28, 201012:26 pmimg 45 Comments

Look at how we caught your eye with that headline!

Remember that sub-plot in V116 about Dean “Double D” Denburg’s Big Bear/Little Bear initiative? The one where DD matched Barnard first-years and upperclassmen in a binding friendship contract and Jenny couldn’t sneak out and meet Yonatan at 1020? That sucked for both of them, but then (SPOILER ALERT) everything worked out OK in the end.

The 2011 Class Council, is doing something eerily similar in real life, but they didn’t plagiarize anything and we were just making a little nod to current events. The council is launching an initiative: “Senior Pals.” Here’s how it will work: CC 11ers will be paired up with incoming CC 14ers so that our new fresh-friends will have someone to ask questions like “should I buy the grapes at Cafe 212?” (no!) or “EC, Heights, or Campo?” (rap about it!) or “where is the 9 train?” (it doesn’t exist anymore!) What’s in it for you, wizened, tough guy CC senior? Free lunch! There will be a welcome luncheon in the fall for Big Pals and Little Pals.

Pals will be matched according to residence hall (if you lived in John Jay, you’ll be paired with a current JJ resident) and hometown, althouh Udell acknowledged that it will be difficult to get both those matches for all Pals. Udell, who started the initiative, explained its existence to Bwog: “during the campaign I had a lot of people lament the ‘cold’ nature of Columbia, and this seems one way to warm things up a bit.”

Udell and Learned Foote, CCSC President, will send out an email in July to the incoming 14ers saying hi and explaining the project, and they expect that about 500 eager-beaver first-years will sign up to be Little Pals, so that means they need about 500 Big Pals by July. Sign up here, and cross your fingers for those chocolate-chip brownies (and not those grilled veggie wraps) at the Pal Luncheon.

Update, 2 pm: Although it’s a CC initiaitve, SEAS and BC seniors are also eligible/encouraged to become Senior Pals.



Written by

img April 28, 200810:58 amimg 9 Comments

Throughout last night’s CCSC meeting, scavenged foods drove members to use their appetite as a running motif.  Satow Room Bureau Chief Martha Turewicz was there, although not feasting.

There was some in the back of the room left over from the last meeting of the ’08 class council: chicken, biscuits, potatoes and gravy. Before the meeting, a tray of marzipan pieces shaped like fruit was passed around; outgoing President Michelle Diamond warned everyone that it contained nuts and was not actually a fruit.

Then Neda Navab mentioned the swim test party coming up in Dodge, at which pizza will be served: “Hopefully they’ll eat the pizza after the swim test.”

Mark Johnson brought up the anti-Manhattanville protestors who showed up during the Arts Fair. Thankfully, since the students at said fair were grilling hamburgers, the protest was diffused as the gatecrashers eventually lined up to buy them.




Written by

img April 11, 20074:35 pmimg 13 Comments

Someone who must truly adore the sculpture Tight Rope Walker (on the bridge over Amsterdam) has placed a mattress spraypainted with the words “Just in Case” beneath (thanks to Noam Harary for the photo). Bwog guesses that, after thirty years without a spotter, the spindly statuettes can finally relax.

Unless they fall in, um, any other direction…


Tags: , ,



Written by

img February 25, 20079:29 pmimg 84 Comments

Last night, Bwog reporter Karen Leung went to the Chinese Student Club’s annual culture show, and returned both entertained and bemused. Her dispatch follows.

kjhGive people an excuse to talk about mass, and it’s only a matter of time before the fat jokes come. At last night’s Lunar Gala, the Chinese Students Club’s annual culture show, the theme was Momentum, in honor of the Year of the Boar and that noble animal’s “persistence to motivate himself as well as those around him.” The theme invited physics jokes – for the uninformed, emcee Kenny Liu declared that momentum is the product of the mass and velocity of an object. His partner, Monnica Chan, asked whether she looked nice in her dress. The collision of physics and the female body prompted a fat joke. It was the beginning of a beautiful evening.

It was hard for most of the acts to fail. People are fascinated by men balancing wooden bobbles on a piece of string, and they laugh when people in lion suits throw lettuce (and rightly so). The hip hop group was cool, of course; Radiance, the classical Chinese dance troupe, was beautiful, of course; the vocal performances were uneven but ultimately successful, of course. The only exception was an interminable performance by Hsu-nami, an Asian rock fusion group which the program told me has the sensibility of “the osmosis of oriental pastime + the tenacity of modern rock.”   (more…)



Written by

img January 29, 200712:16 pmimg 21 Comments

Live from Weapons of Mass Destruction, where Professor Paul Richards, wearing a moss-green jacket and flowered tie, cracked the following joke:

richardsA sodium atom walks into a bar, looking dejected.

Barkeep: What’s wrong?

Sodium atom: I’ve lost an electron.

Barkeep: Are you sure?

Sodium atom: Yes, I’m positive!

OK, maybe you had to be there.



Written by

img May 05, 20061:57 amimg 24 Comments

orgo night!

Gautam Hans

The scent of anxiety oozing from Butler dissipated for about 30 minutes as the Columbia University Marching Band carried out its annual tradition of making chem majors’ lives miserable. Even though most of the orgo exams are next week. This semester, the band largely avoided campus personalities, but hit SHOCC, PrezBo, PrezBush, the West End, and Harvard with a sledgehammer. Some highlights:

– Bollinger put an embargo on Havana Central at the West End, forcing bar hoppers to take inflatable rafts out of Mexican waters from Nacho’s.

– In accordance with the Bush Administration’s “culture of losing,” Dianne Murphy was brought to replace Secretary Rumsfeld. And Scott McClellan was replaced by the Fox news ticker.

– Joe Anzalone is the Butler Masturbator (shhh!).

– Songs titled “I want to fuck you like a privileged majority” and “I hear you knocking, but you can’t get in to my Core Curriculum.”

– When Bollinger transfers to Harvard from his safety school to replace the Chauvinator, he’ll be thinking: “I’m sick of being yelled at by the Concerned Coalition of Students Concerned About Me Not Stopping Some Stupid Shit. Thank god these Harvard dipshits don’t have souls!”

By the end, people were dancing so hard that Bwog feared for the tables they stood on. Orgo Night is remarkable for two reasons: it’s one of two times all year that CUMB gets to feel cool, and one of the equally rare occasions where Bwog wipes away a tear at the ball of CU pride that swells in its chest. Could Columbia solve its much-ballyhooed spirit problem by having a round man in a blue and white polo loudly insult its consituent groups? Bwog ponders.

© 2006-2015 Blue and White Publishing Inc.