You know the old addage: you gotta sanitize before you can litigate! We’re upset we missed Raskolnikov’s speech, but we did catch some recent Law School grads dancing to “Love Shack” after the ceremony.

Update: Then everyone threw their robes into a pile at the Butler security desk.

The moment of truth has finally arrived for New York City: the anticipated H1N1 flu vaccine has officially become more selective than the average community college. In an effort to keep our readers healthy (even if they do happen to be non-pregnant, 24-year-old-or-older baby haters), Bwog presents the latest Health Services update detailing who exactly is eligible for the vaccine. For interested consumers, it will be administered free of charge at designated health clinics throughout the city for the next four weekends; the clinics will be open from 9am-6pm on Saturdays and 9am-5pm on Sundays.

Full email after the jump. Read more…

Oh, you don’t want the vaccine?  We’ll take it.

Choppers landing on Mudd?  It’s just a movie.

Hawkma in Midtown?  If only.

You want space in Lerner?  Your tuition isn’t enough.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle: It’s the Navy way!

Photo via NY Daily News

Ever since the first wave of H1N1 cases and confusion erupted several weeks ago, Bwog’s Eager Epidemic Investigators have been collecting stories of how individual and institution alike are coping with the crisis. Bwog hopes this anthology will help to sooth the minds of all those who fear the unknown.

Rescue Me

A sophomore English and Film Studies major living in Wien relates a particularly dramatic story beginning two weeks ago with what he calls a “sudden and inexplicable fever.” He reports that his initial reaction was, appropriately, “sudden and inexplicable panic.” After a nurse at Health Services failed to relieve his fears with a diagnosis of “that’s not good,” our hero contemplated the possibility that he could “die in his Wien single and no one would find his corpse for a week.”

After St. Luke’s hospital deemed his illness a “highly potential” case of the swine flu, the student’s lonely quarantine lasted mere hours before his “neurotic Jewish mother flew 3,000 miles to nurse him back to health” in a room booked at Teachers College. As he disentangles himself from the pile of missed novels and films, the valiant recovery of our friend demands an occasional cab ride from 124th St. back to campus and long-sleeved attire to cover what appear to be track marks where a St. Luke’s nurse struggled to find a vein. Scars mental and physical aside, this Pig Tale leaves behind the happy burden of a new-found addiction to hand sanitizer and vitamin C cough drops that, given any luck, might soon infect us all.

The Home Isolation Packet

Confirmed sightings of the Home Isolation Packet have been reported as far back as three weeks ago, when a John Jay student reported being diagnosed with “flu-like symptoms” by Health Services. Quarantined to her room until 24 hours after the demise of the fever, she was also given a packet including Purell, Tylenol, disposable thermometers, and a list of symptoms to watch for like dizziness or breathing problems. What she received is as of yet the earliest known ancestor of the now captured creature, formally known as The Home Isolation Kit, seen dissected below. Read more…

 Our porcine problem persists as experts question the vaccine’s use (NY1).

Evangelists may have vanquished Route 66, but Atheists are now converting subway riders (Gothamist).

With Manhattanville secured, Columbia plots to conquer Europe and South Asia (Spec).

The rich and famous enter Purgatorio without Virgil’s help (Gawker). 

Teachers College descends from the ivory tower (Spec).

In the Bronx, capitalists capture the castle (HuffPost).

The Porcine Pathogen remains in force on college campuses across the country (oh, and off campus as well, but who cares about that?). Bwog Bacon Bug Expert Mark “Not Marky Mark” Hay has been procrastinating with some ingenious ways of fighting the flu.

Don’t count on your spry, young immune systems to save you – late nights and stress make one more vulnerable, and heaven knows we don’t have the time to sleep around here (fun note: caffeine will not save you either – actually, as a minor diuretic, it could make your life hell). Nor do we have the time or patience to wait for a swine flu vaccination.

But there are many simple, traditional home remedies to ward against and curtail emerging signs of the flu. Pay attention now as this is the culmination of much wisdom – ancient Chinese secrets, Russian folkways, and Native American fix-its, not to mention the persistent digging of one hypochondriac/staff writer.

First are the herbs, spices, and supplements. Your grandmother’s various tricks do all have some varied medical merit: Hot water and honey is a wonderful expectorant – it breaks up the mucus. A nice mustard paste to the chest and back will really clear out the lungs (but it will burn if left on too long). Chamomile wards off a sore throat, garlic, ginger and leeks act as great anti-hypertensives, and even fried lizard’s tail works apparently wonders. Read more…

Nikhita Mahtani reports.

Monday’s SGA meeting began with pleas for volunteers for Founder’s Day.  Soon after, the new First Year VP, Rachel Ferrari – apparently a “big listener” and “not very shy” — introduced herself.

The meeting continued with updates from Katie Pallilo, Barnard ‘10 and SGA president.  Katie addressed her meeting with Carol Katzman from Information Technologies, who is investing in a 6-month recruiting program to revamp Barnard’s “Academic Technologies” — SmartBoards, anyone?  Commencement is still to be in Levien Gym, but suggestions have been made to look into other venues, such as Baker Field or Lehman.

Because Columbia’s administration works so well already, Dean Taylor, the new Chief of Staff, will add yet another layer of bureaucracy to Barnard College by serving as a link between President Spar and the student body.  Katie, the eternal optimist, tempered her criticism of another barrier between you and your tuition money by lavishing great praise on the new Dean.  That’ll be another friendly face you won’t see until Founder’s Day. Read more…

Dying from a heart attack, seizing up, or miscarrying from the swine flu vaccine? The Feds say not to worry, this kind of stuff happens all the time, vaccine or no vaccine. (NYT)

Support or disagree with a University Senate-imposed Smoking ban? Hold your horses! In their first meeting of the year, PrezBo reminded them that the Senate only advises and doesn’t “have the power to implement” these kinds policies. (Spec)

Thinking the 96th Street transfer after hours on the 1 is the worst subway experience in New York? An MTA survey reveals otherwise; the worst station in the system is actually in Queens, where weeds have even sprouted. (NY1)

Happen to be in Brooklyn on Sunday? Don’t worry, you aren’t crazy if you saw 2,000 people walking invisible dogs. (improveverywhere.com)

Would you defend to the grave that Chicken and Rice is the best cart vendor in the city? Sorry, but the 5th annual Vendy Awards give this distinction to a taco stand in Brooklyn. You know, right next to the invisible dogs. (NY1)

 Image via Flickr

 
Bwog extends its heartfelt congratulations to Dr. John D. Clarke, MD, FAAFP, and (evidently) badass MC, whose anti-H1N1 rap beat out over 200 competitors to win Flu.gov’s 2009 Flu Prevention PSA Contest.

Looks like Clarke, who graduated from Columbia’s very own medical school, returned to Alma Mater to earn his MC as well: his swine-bashing video is filmed on the overpass between EC and the rest of the world, with the law school, Amsterdam Avenue, and assorted academic buildings in the background.

In the minute-long PSA, a lab-coat clad Clarke spits lyrics such as “Hand sanitizer I advise ya get it, why?/it makes germs die when you rub and let it dry” over an impressively catchy beat. Check it out- this just may be the best informational music video since back in ’86, when another doctor taught us all to stroke.

Image via Daily Intel

Mark Lilla debates whether conservative ideas are properly studied on college campuses, and adds that, at Columbia “not a single prominent conservative is to be found.” (Chronicle of Higher Education)

HHS Secretary says swine flu vaccines could start early next month, but will that really stop the hysteria? (AP)

The new (and even-more-Twitter-like) Facebook Lite debuts – another new version of Facebook for people to create Facebook groups hating it. (CNET)

Pulitzer-winner Tracy Kidder’s new book is about a “a young medical student who fled the genocidal civil war in Burundi in 1994″ and ended up at Columbia and later medical school and American citizenship. Jeez, we thought it was hard getting out of bed this morning. (Buffalo News)

Finally, our thoughts are with grad student Jonathan Widawsky, as New Haven police continue to look for his missing fiancee. (Daily News)

Even though Blair from Gossip Girl considers them her “holy trinity,” 2/3 of HYP are officially Big Losers now! (WSJ) (Bloomberg)

Columbia, on the other hand, reports smaller losses. (Reuters)

Morgan Stanley’s new CEO made it through the B-School. (WSJ)

New York Fashion Week keeps on strutting its stuff, despite the recession. (NYT)

And in somber swine news: a Cornell student dies of H1N1. (NYT)

Photo via selfhelpdaily.com

Kiss those tapas goodbye: Floridita owner Ramon Diaz loses his lawsuit, Manhattanville finally begins construction, and PrezBo celebrates (Spec).

Remember what happened the last time Columbia tried to expand?  Carle Hovde, CC ’50 and Dean of the College from 1968 to 1972, died last Saturday.  Faculty mourns (Spec).

As if the updated Kindle wasn’t bad enough, bedbugs have infested publishing offices (MediaBistro).

Those bottles of Purell may have been unnecessary — there’s still hope for a cure for H1N1 (NY1).

Fresh off his plea for healthcare reform, on the eighth anniversary of 9/11, Obama declares “every year on this day, we are all New Yorkers” (Daily News).

If you didn’t before retrieving your key, perhaps the subtle message at the Hartley check-in desk will remind you.

Yup, free Purell for all! Hypochondriacs rejoice! Or, you know, not…

- JCD

The announcement Monday that swine flu could hospitalize up to 1.8 million Americans has sparked a new flurry of news hysteria over the virus. Even before the announcement, universities were busy preparing for the virus in the fall. Now it’s Columbia’s turn: in an email to students from Student Life Dean Kevin Shollenberger, GS Interim Dean Scott Halvorson, and Health Services VP Samuel Seward, the school outlines its plans for the virus. 

Like other schools, most of the steps outlined in the email are education-oriented. “Educational fliers are posted throughout campus and in the residence halls,” reads the email, “and alcohol-based hand sanitizer or soap dispensers are provided in public gathering places such as dining areas, computer labs and customer service desks.” As for vaccinations, Health Services plans advertise its free flu shots widely when students return, and promises to share information regarding any H1N1 vaccine “immediately.”

As for anyone who comes down with the disease, “if you have influenza-like illness, such as persistent fever combined with muscle aches or fatigue, please remember it is important for you to avoid attending classes and public activities until you are well again.” Health Services even recommends students who can should commute home. Full email after the jump Read more…

Image via toyrific.co.uk

Stop panicking about lil’ piggy flu.  We’ve found a way to make it politically incorrect.

The only reason we have a potential pandemic is all those corrupt doctors.  Free Viagra be damned, we want our vaccine!

The 2013′s are signing away their souls (on Facebook).  Columbia has the fewest downsides—compared to Cornell.

Hopefully they’ll face better economic times.  One Columbia graduate has found fame in, erm, illicit affairs.

For the rest of us, Yankees’ seats are becoming more affordable (if you were paying thousands of dollars to begin with).

Leave all of that behind.  If you’re stuck at home because the big, bad economy took your job, rest assured that it’s the best for your GPA.