Class of ’17, enjoy your lazy days

Dear Admitted Students,

We’re so excited for you! We know you can’t wait to be here, and we can’t wait to induct you into our secret society welcome you. It may seem like college is too far away. In the meantime here are some tips to feel like a Columbia student regardless of where you will go to school.

1. Stop eating food your parents give you. Only eat cheese samples, pizza, and sandwiches. Then be confused when you run out of money.

2. Bitch about something called UWriting and Frontiers. A lot.

3. Find a middle school cafeteria’s max occupancy level, put twice that many kids in there, and call it “Ferris.”

4. Complain about how many classes you have that day and go to 70 percent of them. Just kidding. Go to 40 percent of them.

5. Say “heteronormative,” “phallic,” and “social construct” when you don’t need to.

6. Tell people you go to Williamsburg often.

7. Work out twice per semester. When you do, text everyone you know and say “Sorry I missed you, I was working out.”

8. Whine quietly when you have to walk to somewhere 100 yards away (Butler) and whine really loudly to people you don’t know when you have to walk somewhere 400+ yards away (“Why did they have to build Pupin there? Really?”).

9. Tell everyone you live in “Manhattan.” Not New York. “Manhattan“–specifically, the UWS.  That means Upper West Side, duh.

10. Make NYU jokes and then get dodgy when people ask you about the last time you went south of 92nd street.

11. Mention in casual conversation that the chandelier on the Vampire Weekend debut album is from St. A’s. Like that society at your school. Basically your school is just really important in all facets of life.

12. Do the same thing for Obama and Alexander Hamilton.  Also for Kerouac and Ginsberg, except do it in a coffee shop in Williamsburg.

13. Have dinner at seven and then buy yourself chicken wings and Jamba Juice at ten-thirty.

14. Stay at your public library for 52 hours straight.  Leave notes to make sure nobody takes your spot.  Get lucky.  Don’t get lucky.

15. Complain that your school has no sense of community or tradition.

Enjoy the rest of your year. Succumb to senioritis.  YOLO.



LOOSE SEAL!!! via Shutterstock.