One of the John Jay elevators is down for maintenance, making those already painfully long and awkward elevator rides that much longer and more crowded. It appears that resident freshpeople are getting a little angsty about the whole situation. Just a little.

 Tipped by Sophie Qian and Alex N

Just in case you needed another reason to hate hipsters.

Dear Bwog,

Before I came to Columbia, I never realized how awkward elevator rides are. I usually just start fake texting to avoid eye contact, but is that bitchy?

~Awkward McAwkward

Dear Awkward McAwkward,

Yeah, elevators are mad awkward; you’re confined to a 20-square-foot box. Still, you don’t want to move your lazy ass up the stairs, right? If only there were some sort of ‘vator vortex to prevent sweaty/mysteriously slimy people from getting all up in your space. But alas, this is the plight of the Hellevator. Worse than the sardine-can-squish is the painful pairing—when you’re stuck in an elevator with only one other person. Even so, that’s no reason to be a Bitch and a half.

In her Senior Wisdom, Sari Ancel, SEAS ’10, presented a fantastic friendship formula: Stop and Chat > Wave Hello > Awkward Ignore. “Awkwardly ignoring someone you know [or recently met] is not only super mean, but also not worth the effort of pretending not to know them.” It’s common decency, folks.

Fake fiddling with your phone is just rude. An elevator isn’t necessarily the ideal location to share your deepest darkest secrets with a stranger. Still, there’s nothing wrong with cracking a sweet smile. Don’t go overboard though; a full toothy grin is creepy. Instead, try for the cute Jim Halpert-esque half-smile. And you never know, maybe you’ll make a friend. Bwog remembers a simple smile exchange evolving into a semi-friendship. After said smiles, Bwog’s elevator-mate extended his hand and introduced himself. How classy.

Remember kids, eye contact is sexy! (more…)

This dude was spotted studying in the Carman service elevator the other day, sitting on his dorm chair stolen lounge chair (that’ll land you in Columbia prison, son) under an unplugged desklamp and with his trusty Nalgene at his side. Bwog gives up.

Bwog tipster Frederick Havemeyer informs us that in John Jay, custom is slowly becoming law:

Good luck lugging Westside bags up five flights of stairs, freshmen — you can start preparing early for that walkup that awaits you after graduation.

It’s a classic situation: you’re in an elevator, jamming the door close button, only to discover the elevator gods are not with us that day, and the doors don’t obey our command. In fact, it seems like we’ve been in this situation so many times that many people even begun to question the legitimacy of the buttons themselves.  So what are we to think? Do the “door close” buttons actually work? 

This question that has plagued Bwog for too long, so, though the elevator expert was trapped at the time (guess where?), we dispatched dumbwaiter expert David Hu to test close door buttons around campus. For each elevator, we let the door close by itself “naturally” without pressing the close button and then again with pressing the close button. For consistency, the tests were conducted when no one walked on or off the elevators, and if possible, we averaged the times for multiple elevators in a building. Was it scientifically rigorous? Of course not, but scientists have far more important subjects to study.

Hit the jump for the (mostly) comprehensive report, which may surprise you. Or not. (more…)

For those of you staying in East Campus or McBain over break, Columbia University Facilities will be using the time to fix your residence. In McBain, elevator repairs will mean that both elevators will be out on Monday, December 29th.

In EC, the story’s slightly less chipper, and quite a bit longer. Facilites “has identified significant deterioration to the plumbing lines for the sink and washing machines in the East Campus laundry room,” and so “the East Campus laundry room will need to close during the upcoming weeks.” The work could take all of Winter Break.

This seems like an appropriate time, then, to remind everyone sticking around in EC over break that there is a tunnel in the basement to Wien, the closest building with a laundry room. Thank us later.

Earlier this evening, and sporadically throughout the day, the East Campus elevators–yes, those shiny new transport cells–stood frozen in place for hours on end, forcing residents moving in to shlep their stuff up dozens of flights of stairs. According to the security guard on duty, a big moving bin had slammed into one of the doors, knocking it out of commission during one of the busiest times of the year. Bwog surmises that it may also have to do with the elongated time the new doors take to close–those waiting may well have kicked them a little too hard (which used to do the trick with the old ones!). 

Unrelatedly, at about 10:20 p.m., Bwog also noticed a very excited security guard shouting into an intercom near the Broadway gates: “We beat Green Bay! In overtime! Overtime! The Giants are going to the Super Bowl!” Having had multiple conversations with other security guards in recent days about the game, and considering the number of Patriot partisans on this campus, it appears we may be in for an exciting Bowl day.

- LBD

Frustrated with the slow progress of the Manhattanville expansion, Columbia instead decided to dedicate its resources towards constructing a magical Bridge to Terebithia, and annex a SUNY that doesn’t exist. Hurrah!

Or maybe somebody has a plaque maker, a sense of humor and a little too much time on his/her hands.

Thanks to Jonathan Bell for noticing.

According to a sign in Bwog’s elevator, the going rate for Commencement tickets is $80. Or, at least, some poor fool thinks it’s $80.

But before you fork over any cash to your orphaned classmates, you should check out this ticket exchange. Why buy the cow when the milk comes for free?

The LLC: always a treasure trove of crazy shit.

First, Bwog ran across boxes begging for the anonymous return of John Jay plates, silverware, and salt and pepper shakers, like those boxes at summer camp where counselors told you to put your drugs when no one was looking, no questions asked. I mean, we all do it.

Then, Bwog noticed a little note scrawled on the corner of a poster calling out an ethnic slur. Surely, the best forum for fighting racism and intolerance in all its forms.

Finally, there is a couch in Hartley’s fast elevator. Said a Bwog tipster at 3:30 AM: “I’m sitting on it right now…The absurd part is that I get wireless internet here, sitting inside this thick-walled metal box, and not in my room.”