Alfred Joyce Kilmer Bad Poetry Contest Winners (from left to right: 1st, 2nd, and 3rd places, 5 dishonorable mentions)

Last night was a good night to be bad at poetry. Columbia’s best bad poets shined up their shoes (*not really), did their hair (*ish), and broke out their tuxes (*in one case, yes) for terrible poetry’s biggest night of the year: the Philolexian Society’s 27th annual Alfred Joyce Kilmer Bad Poetry Contest. Bwog’s expert on rhythm and rhyme, Claire Friedman, attended.

As I sat in Havemeyer 309, peeling off multiple coats and cursing the weather gods, I felt that I had stumbled into the world’s strangest, quirkiest family reunion. People were shouting, singing, hugging, calling to their peacock-feather-adorned friends to sign them up to read next, all over the steady sound of last minute entries being scratched into journals. Over the course of the night, I came to two conclusions. The first is that bad poetry takes talent, timing, and an exaggerated sense of rhyme. The second is that I will never be as gutsy as the poets who stood up to read their terrible masterpieces. Although the crowd was receptive and friendly, I discovered that bad poetry readings are like stand-up comedy acts; they’re all or nothing. While I find this concept terrifying, I am so glad that the poets who read last night gave it everything.

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The Internet—it's here

There was once a time when finding free food just meant following your nose. Not so, in this Internet age. We at Bwog make it our mission to post every free food offer that comes our way, and this event is no exception. If you’ve got a craving for unidentified “refreshments,” hop on over to Held Auditorium (304 Barnard) at 7:30 pm to check out ”On the Trail of Dictators: Watchdog Journalism in the Internet Age,” hosted by the Philolexian Society. They’ll be chatting about all the ways investigative reporters, bloggers, plane spotters, WikiLeakers, and citizen journalists promote free food government accountability through the media.

Homemade street sign via Wikimedia Commons

As Bwog knows all too well, there’s nothing a Columbia student hates more than bad grammar. This Bwogger figures a kitten must die with every its vs. it’s error (I mean, why else would these lil’ mistakes always get everyone’s panties in a twist?). In response to the Philolexian Society’s recent grammatical gaffe, one Columbian thought the group might want to change its tagline to this: “Philo: Taking the Literary out of Literary Society since 1802.” It’s okay Philo, we still think you’re swell, even if grammar isn’t always your strong point. Solidarity!

George W. Bush: Livin’ With Shame Since 2001

UPDATE: Bwog received the following e-mail this evening:

subject: Philolexian Response: ComparativeGate.

Dear Bwog,

Since your estimable news organization has recently exposed that a phlier (read: “flyer”) printed under our name contains a marked grammatical error, the Philolexian Society is committed to launching the most serious of internal investigations, most rigorous of soul searchings, and a frisking to put the TSA to shame. We can assure you that we are taking this matter as seriously as is humanly possible: we consider words our children, and to find that we have so misused them we feel can only be compared to a tragic anagnorisis—say, of Seneca’s Thyestes. We have established a Truth and Reconciliation Commission; they have their work cut out for them, as we’ve never been much for reconciling ourselves to the truth. We have also assembled crack teams of experts on the writings of the Marquis de Sade to suggest penalties toeing that fine line between Eighth Amendment violations and a night at a kink club. You might also have expected that the author of this letter—responsible for keeping the Society literary and, on some occasion, literate—to have taken the metaphorical and literal axe for this gaffe on top of whatever sentencing we might hand out to those actually responsible for this gross mishap—but that the Society refused to pass its most recent proposed resolution, “Resolved: It is better to die with dignity than to live in shame.” (Lucky breaks: take them when you can.) We assure Columbians, above all, not to panic: we will soon be back to producing syntactically impeccable, stylistically unparalleled, and thoroughly absurd strings of syntagms for your aural pleasure.

Yours most humbly,

Gavin McGown

Literary Czar, the Philolexian Society of Columbia University.

What a wild and wacky Sunday it has been! This morning, Bollinger Family Biographer Mariela Quintana spotted MrsBo herself, Jean Bollinger, buying a book of poetry at Book Culture. She was wearing Nike sneakers (the couple that jogs together, stays together!) and “seemed very intent” that the cashier run up her store credit correctly. She had $1.50 left on her credit, just enough for a James Joyce postcard!

Then, on our morning walk through the Greenmarket, Bwog watched Columbia Formula SAE rolling their racecar into Lerner, as argula-toting patrons gaped.

Finally, Megan Shannon sent along a photo of the Philolexian Society wearing silly hats and playing croquet on Lewisohn Lawn. What a day!

Just in case you needed an excuse to go outside today, the Philolexian Society is playing a game of human chess complete with costumes on the Low Steps right now:

Bwog presents the winners of the Philolexian Society’s 24th Annual Alfred Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest. We hear it was positively painful to your ears.

Winner: “Balloon Boy by Philip Glass” by Edward Rueda (CC’05), with Everett Patterson (CC’06), 2009 Kilmer Laureate

1st Runner-Up: “Ballad of the Frozen Heart” by Laura Baur-Jaronowski (CC’06)

2nd Runner-Up: “Hamilton and Madison” by Alec Webley (SAS’11, UPenn)

Dishonorable Mention: “Stalker, a Love Poem” by Marley Weiner (BC’10)

Dishonorable Mention: “Tubular” by Samantha Kuperberg (BC’10)

Dishonorable Mention: “Chinese Teashop Rap” and “Crime and Punishment Rap” by Dexter Thompson-Pomeroy (CC’12)

Dishonorable Mention: Untitled math sonnets by Adam Levine (GSAS)

Dishonorable Mention: “If God, Then: Newark, New Jersey. Or: Up, Up, Down, Right, Left, Dog Poop. Or: God/Jay Michaelson: The Antichrist?” by Michal Richardson (BC’06)

The texts, audio clips, pictures, and even a video of the winner, will all be posted on Phlog in the next couple days. Check regularly for updates!

The Hapa Club will be hosting their grandly named “Fusion Party” tonight at 7:00 PM in Lerner C555.  For only $5, you’ll have the chance to sample a variety of ethnic foods prepared by the Culinary Society and cheer on Dhoom and Orisha as they perform.

Afterward, head to Lehman Auditorium in Altschul at 8:00 PM to appreciate poetry that would make your high school newspaper cringe.  It’s the 24th annual Bad Poetry Contest, brought to you by the Philolexian Society.

Nothing will ever be as romantic as a True Columbia Date, but you might be able to get away with it, just this once.

The Philolexian Society has put out its 2009 literary magazine, Surgam (Latin: “I shall rise”) and boy, does that student poetry go down smooth! The whole thing is available as a PDF on Philo’s website, but as always, you can find the highlights below.

Confirmed: Manhattan is just as romantic and mysterious as your high school senior self thought it would be. (page 6)

Either a diatribe against history class or a diatribe against cod. (page 9)

Keep your recycling and your composting separate, dammit! (page 13)

If this poem is at one end of the Tender Descriptions of Sex Spectrum, Poker Face is at the other. (page 15)

“Impulse then psychotic adieu.” No comment. (page 4)

Second breakfast, charcoal, and quaintness – it’s yours on Sunday morning.

It’s all thanks to a school spirit organization, a women’s college, and an outdated, ye-olde-style philosophical debate group.

First on the agenda this morning, WBAR has their annual WBAR-B-Q on Lehman Lawn at 11:00 AM.  It’s free, several bands are playing, and there are probably hamburgers.  It’s a wonderfully carnivorous lunch.

At the same time, the Philolexian Society will be hosting their croquet and tea party on the steps.  They promise “a small spread of victuals” whilst you piddle the morning away hitting wooden balls in a circle and making delightful exclamations.

That should only last an hour because Bacchanal will be taking over at noon for their Bagels and Beanbags.  They’ll have your post-lunch breakfast and hackysacks, moving from the 1950′s into the 1960′s.

Yesterday, the Philolexian Society announced the winner and runners-up of its 23rd annual Alfred Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest, named after journalist, poet, Philo member, and Spec editor Alfred Joyce Kilmer, CC class of 1908. Held every November, the contest selects the “best” (i.e. worst) poetry submissions, and there were some good (bad?) ones this year. The awards go to:

• Winner: Stephen Blair, CC ’11 – “Anatomy”
  
• 1st Runner Up: Edward A. Rueda, CC ’05 – “Trees 2008″ (sung to the tune of Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl”)
  
• 2nd Runner Up: Jacob Rice, CC ’12 – “Hamlet”
  
• 3rd Runner Up: Peter Day, CC ’12 – “Choices”
  
• “Dishonorable Mentions”: Adam Katz, CC ’08, Robyn Schneider, BC ’08.5, Amitai Schlair, GS ’09

Stephen’s poem is after jump, and for the rest of the poems, hop on over to the Phlog. Bwog congratulates the “winners.” (more…)

Here’s a quick round-up of all the goings-on of Columbia and its environs, happening right now:

A notably dapper member of the Philolexian Society is currently standing atop the Sundial. He and others  advertising for the Joyce Kilmer Bad Poetry Contest, which is happening on the 13th.

A few yards over, on the Steps, Amnesty International: International Refugee Day is going on until 5 PM.  Then, at 7:30 PM,  there will be a panel of Refugees Scholars in the Trustee Room in Low, who will be talking about their experiences.

And finally, for reasons unknown, Postcrypt is celebrating suggestive portraiture on College Walk.

Busy afternoon, no? Enjoy these outdoors activities while you can. Maybe it’ll soon be winter, which we vaguely remember as being cold. 

According to Wikipedia, a phlog is a “type of daybook, similar to a blog, but run off a Gopher protocol server,” although  the word may also refer to a photoblog. According to Columbia’s Philolexian Society, the phlog  is a “blog of awesometude” on which various philolexians post poems, essays, and random thoughts. It’s run through Blogspot  rather than Gopher, and it doesn’t have many photos, but we’ll forgive them. Welcome to the bwogroll, Phlog!

A motley band representing Philolexian Society cell CRUSHP (a one-syllable shortening of the Committee for Rectifying the Unphilolexian Sneaky Hipster Problem) has gathered on the Sundial and is hurling insults at passing hipsters. Hipsters, thus far, have not been too affected, because the catcalls are still quieter than the Norwegian middle school-themed songs blasting on their iPods.

For all the hipster-haters out there seeking oneliners, CRUSHP’s finer slogans include “no label, no talent!” and “their new album is better than their first!” Manhattanville expansion opponents might appropriate the chant, “What do we want? Sincerity! When do we want it? Now!” And they would surely ask CRUSHP’s permission before taking it for themselves.

In the interest of honest journalism, Bwog has been debating among itself all morning whether it has been infiltrated by too many hipsters to cover this story without bias. Indeed, Bwog may have been the target of a CRUSHPer hollering “skinny jeans reduce your sperm count.” Bwog was only semi-hurt, as this correspondent would prefer to keep her sperm count low.

More photos after the jump

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Once upon a Thursday dreary, into Hillel I wandered weak and weary and heard many a piece of dreadful lore…

The 22nd Annual Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest had many moments, ranging from hilarity to mediocrity to…is that Umbrella in Latin? Whether it was Columbia Blue balls from the window to the wall or a scientific explanation of Paradiso or a dissertation of the lovability of your cat rendered in fourth grade, readings were intense and poetry was by all means bad.

The night was kicked off by Thomas Vinciguerra, the very same Columbian that, 21 years before, kicked off the original Bad Poetry Contest in John Jay lounge and helped revive the Philolexian Society after years of dormancy. A consequence of the contest’s popularity has been to attract not only geezers (Philo alums) back to Morningside Heights but also several members of University of Pennsylvania’s Philomathean Society. (more…)

It’s that time of year – when the members of Philo quit jabbering and actually write something down. Surgam, the result of their efforts, gets the (very) quick treatment, below (all links head to the same PDF).

Best of the Bad Poetry Contest (pp. 4 – 12)

Half of a Story Called “Hooke’s Law”: The Only New Thing in the Magazine (p. 12)

UPDATE: You can find the first half of the aforementioned story in an earlier issue of Philo’s magazine.