Another semester has finished at Columbia, and although our board has aged around twelve years from the stress of running Bwogsteros, we’re ready to burn it all down– I mean, recap the semester for you! Have a wonderful Summer!

JANUARY

A snow-day-less winter began like any other, COLD, but Bwog debúted a new look just in time for our campaign for President. Hey, we’re up to 22 candidates, most of them boring old men, so why not a blog? On our platform: turning Avery into a farm.

We made fun of people already burying themselves in work as the eatery formerly known as Artopolis stole our idea to rebrand. Our very own Egg Correspondent ranked the eggs of each dining hall, as another weirdo paid homage to the Best Movie Of All Time. For once, CCSC had no good ideas for how to spend $10,000

Don’t say Bwog never did nothin’ for ya! We taught you how to finesse the good version of Microsoft Word, extort meal swipes from your freshman friends or foes, came up with easier ways to exercise than plugging your nose and descending to Dodge (both literally and figuratively), and taught you about occult science!

 

FEBRUARY

In February, we wondered aloud what would happen if Columbia’s doors stopped working like in your Sims world, ****ed some **** to get you to come to meeting, and rushed an *inclusive* frat.

Apparently, all of that was for naught as someone stole our writer’s earring while she was wearing it???? At least she didn’t have to relaunch her Presidential campaign, unlike a certain someone who we saw speak. Also here: celebrity chef and Barnard alum Alex Guarnaschelli came to speak (but didn’t bring any food). We also taught you how to pronounce “Schermerhorn” correctly (hint: you’re saying it wrong). It’ll be useful in case you get lost in there.

Ever wonder why the U.S. doesn’t negotiate with terrorists? Maybe it’s because it’s very complicated. How to get free Chegg access is less complicated though. In case you forgot how we’re all going to die, we went to a panel on climate change. If you’re feeling hopeless, might we suggest a Columbia-themed knuc tat to make your short time on this Earth more exciting? At the very least you can upcycle all those club flyers slipped underneath your door by insidious forces (cough fuck spec). After all, we are the Bwoggiest Bwog in the Ivy League. If humanity goes out in a more exciting way, at least you’ll know where to hide on campus during a Zombie apocalypse. It’d still be better than living in EC this semester.

We celebrated Dean Valentini’s day by showing you how to throw a perfect movie date with a special someone in your dorm room (or go out to a theater instead), expressed our love for JJ’s fried mac and cheese, and got over our sad loneliness by reviewing a ton of new muffins!

Some sad news came in February, with Dean Awn’s passing. A legend among the GS student and faculty bodies, his presence was sorely missed on campus this semester.

Spec’s rogue sports team came back with a vengeance by launching their own competitor site, but do they provide essential information, like where to grab tissues on campus? No. Do they discuss affirmative action in a thoughtful and well-informed way? Uh, maybe? Idk, I don’t read them. But they definitely also puke in cups. Don’t @ me.

To close out the month, Bwog discussed all the ways we’ve been murdered, PeopleHopped a LitHum professor with grand political ambitions, and revealed that Columbia will soon run on Dunkin’. We also covered a fascinating event about Polish-Jewish relations, talked about gun control, and had a little too much fun with sorority recruitment. It happens.

 

MARCH

Oh, the ides of March! We kicked off the month by getting WILD at the John Jay Awards. We also got cultured and reviewed Revolt. She Said. Revolt Again., As You Like It, Godspell, Hadrian and Antinous, Imperson All, and the Athena Film Festival. We also reviewed the new Italian spot on the block, Fumo. And we told you where to get tattoos.

People got into college, yay! Specifically, Barnard released their RD decisions and then CC and SEAS hopped on the bandwagon.

We taught you how to write good and get involved in lab research. We also showed you where to poop.

Housing season started, so we explained the Barnard housing lottery and its Columbia counterpart.

After much controversy, CCSC rejected the apartheid divest referendum. Students received notice that someone was nonconsensually filmed in a Broadway women’s bathroom.

We got mad at people for boning in the Milstein bathrooms and making a mess in John Jay.

We announced that SOPHIE would be headlining Bacchanal, despite the Bacchanal Committee’s antics.

We explained how JJ’s killed Hamdel’s.

We also had some serious moments. We talked about journalism and hate speech. We learned about the Sunrise Movement and climate change. We interviewed the first-year student running Mike Gravel’s presidential campaign. We stopped by PrezBo’s Fireside Chat.

Also, Zack stepped on a rat.

 

APRIL

April kicked off our favorite holiday season here at Bwog – housing coverage season, complete with deluxe Cow Tales, corny photo booths, drama, and a popcorn bucket in tow.

Barnard made several large announcements early in the month: Viola Davis as Commencement speaker, a new Dean of the College, and a new dining provider after years of controversy surrounding previous provider Aramark.

It wasn’t just Barnard Dining that made moves this month. The store formerly known as Nussbaum & Wu rebranded as Wu+Nussbaum. We showed some love to Columbia Dining, and some not-so-love to New York umbrella culture. Hungover from a very mediocre Bacchanal, we Bwoggers then endorsed some candidates for CCSC/ESC elections.

Barnard Public Safety assaulted a Black student on campus; closer examination proved a pattern of racial profiling.

The weather finally became warm. We took this opportunity to celebrate (and later, meme) our favorite campus spaces, places, and events. CUBE performed Don Quixote, Surf and Turf gave us bang for our dining dollar buck, and we covered the tastiest meals both outside and inside the classroom. Anne Carson also came to speak!

As registration drew near, students turned an eye towards classes: classes in the Core Curriculum, class council drama, class registration, and the class of 2023 (surprise! they’re just as weird as us!). CCSC, ESC, and SGA results came out. Dorm-related material came knocking, as residents called out elevator etiquette, woke up to find scaffolding everywhere, and classified Killing Eve assassinations as dorms (then dorms in D&D alignment).

After asking many important questions, Bwog answered the biggest question of all: what does a herpetology trip recounted in haiku format look like? CC announced their PBK Inductees, and Barnard made like Oprah and gave us free laundry! Finally, we wrapped up the end of April with a shitton of senior wisdoms, including wisdom from an actual senior.

 

MAY

In May, student orgs got up to all kinds of funny business. Ratrock committed the 8th deadly sin of plagiarism. KCST wowed us, while the 125th Varsity Show addressed hot-button issues like….milk. USenate’s Student Affairs Committee opened a brand-spankin’-new alumni directory, and at Bwog, we weighed in on albums and unveiled our Sephora-worthy logo glow-up. The CUMB rang in the (actual) 69th Orgo Night outside Butler. We also made some new traditions, before exposing the safety hazard of the Diana skylights and laughing at our own Slack throughout the years.

 

With that, we’re done! From here at Bwog, we’d like to thank our readers for such a weird, weird, but truly amazing semester, y’all. Goodbye to all of our seniors – we love you more than you could ever know. Our board (Jenny Zhu as Editor in Chief, Zack Abrams as Managing Editor Hand of the Queen, Zoe Sottile as Internal Editor, Matt Wayland and Andrew Penn as Pubbies) have somehow not resigned/been kicked off/started a physical altercation with each other yet, so they will be continuing in their same positions in the fall. See you all soon!

S U M M E R W A V E via Finn Klauber